Bedtime battles are a parent’s worst nightmare.

We are all at the end of the day, longing for a relaxing evening where the littles get tucked in and the parents get some well-deserved time alone. But instead we often spend hours locked in a battle of wills, soothing bedtime fears, or answering request after request, and we end up exhausted, frustrated, and defeated.

We have all been there.

If you are there right now, here are a few tips that help stop the fight in its tracks so you can reclaim bedtime peace!

**Listen to the full podcast episode here, or watch the podcast video here.

Transitions and Struggles

To set the stage for these tips, Heather’s twins were going through a few struggles and transitions related to sleep:

• Dropping their nap: The boys had transitioned to quiet time instead, but without that extra daytime sleep, they were much more prone to becoming overtired. As toddlers adjust to staying awake all day, their bodies can be flooded with stress hormones that affect their behavior as well as fuel major sleep resistance.
• Clinginess: One of Heather’s toddlers had become clingier during the day, requesting to be held and cuddled more than usual.
• Toddler Bed Transition: After her twins turned three, Heather transitioned them to toddler beds because they were both so tall that they were starting to fall out of their cribs. This is a big transition and can lead to new bedtime struggles.
• Fighting Sleep: Heather’s more emotional and clingy toddler had been fighting sleep before transitioning to a toddler bed, but the added newness and increased freedom was adding new challenges to the already challenging struggle.

All of these factors piled on top of each made bedtime stressful to say the least.

The Problem: A Risky Pattern

Endless Requests

Heather’s toddler who was struggling the most at bedtime had been coming up with everything he could think of to get out of having to stay in his bed at night. He would request to go down stairs, to cuddle on the couch, ask for a snack, or want to be in Mama’s bed.

At first, Heather wondered if he was actually hungry or needing something, so she responded to some of his requests. But after trying a few things to meet possible needs, she realized that the requests were becoming a pattern, and that pattern was becoming a problem. Bedtime was being pushed later and later and the requests kept on coming.

Bedtime Boundaries

So Heather switched gears and decided to help him stay in his room and in his bed, holding that bedtime boundary. But now she was stuck in his room for hours, sitting by his bed, holding him, soothing him, and trying everything to get him to sleep.

Separation Anxiety

After all this, Heather felt that what was really at the root of all her toddler’s bedtime battles was separation anxiety. This made sense, especially with how clingy and affectionate he was being during the day.

The Solution: Peace of Mind

So, finally, the one tip that helped her toddler start falling asleep in his own bed, putting an end to both the constant requests and the hours of struggle:

• Telling her toddler what she was doing after she left the room
  • Saying something as simple as, “Alright, Mama is going to the potty and then going to bed,” was soothing his separation anxiety, helping him feel safe and settle into sleep.

Before, she had been using phrases like, “It is night, the stars are out, everyone is going to sleep,” focusing on what he should be doing–going to sleep. But what he really needed in that moment was actually the peace of mind of knowing where Mama was and what she was doing.

Why it Worked: A Familiar Pattern

Part of why this works is because Heather does this all day with her toddlers. If she needs to leave the room for a moment, she tells them where she is going, what she is doing, and that she will be back. And she always comes back.

Knowing both where their mama is and that they will see her again soon helps her toddlers feel safe and secure. She was not just disappearing into the night.

Bonus Tip

Heather mentioned one more tip she had also started implementing with both her toddlers at bedtime:

• Explaining why it’s important to get sleep for the next day ahead
  • This can sound like saying, “Okay, tomorrow we are going to the beach! If we don’t get good sleep we will be cranky and tired and not have as much fun. So it’s important we get good sleep so we can have more fun at the beach!”

This makes the reason for sleep more concrete.

It also helps toddlers see cause and effect and understand the natural consequences of not getting enough sleep. As they start to understand the importance of sleep, they are able to choose it for themselves, ending many bedtime battles before they begin.

My Experience

Both of these tips have also helped one of my toddlers through tough times of bedtime battles.

My oldest has always had a harder time with sleep. He dropped his naps early, often cried and fought bedtime, and would not be soothed. And as a toddler who started climbing out of his crib on his second birthday, he was caught in a cycle of crying at the door and requesting endless “one mores”–one more book, one more song, and one more hug.

I would reminded him when it was the last book, the last song, and the last hug, but that didn’t always help. Sometimes he would spiral even more after he knew no “mores” were being answered.

So one night, when he was just over two and a half, I tucked him into bed and tried something new.

Tip #1, With a Twist

• I told him what I was going to do, AND that I would check on him when I was done.
  • I said something like, “Mommy is going to do a few dishes, but I will be back in a few minutes to check on you.“

Lo and behold, I heard no crying at the door after I left, and when I went back in he was still in his bed waiting for me. I made sure he was all tucked in and told him I would check on him one last time.

When I peeked into his room for the last check, he was already asleep.

I couldn’t even remember the last time he had gone to bed without a fight so this felt like a miracle. From that point on our bedtime patterns changed and battles became the exception rather than the rule.

Bonus Tip: My Experience

• Telling a bedtime story about the next day to show the importance of good sleep
  • At the end of the story I say something like, “Okay, it’s important to get lots of good sleep so you have lots of energy to play tomorrow!”

Around the time my oldest was three, I would tell him stories about what had happened that day and what was going to happen the next day. I would end with a reminder about getting good sleep. This was a great way for me to both prep him for the next day and motivate him to choose sleep so he could do all the fun things he wanted to do.

As Heather said in the podcast, these tips may not solve every toddler’s bedtime battles, but they are definitely worth trying, especially if your toddler struggles with separation anxiety at night like our toddlers did!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast videos on YouTube while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world seemed to address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, a twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her most recent Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting more tools along the way.

Sign up for the next Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop here!