Parenting with Family Values in Mind

Discipline is confusing, especially when it comes to our toddlers.

Discipline often brings to mind harsh authoritarian parenting methods and many want to throw discipline out all altogether. But for others, discipline is a key aspect of parenting as they strive to embody kind and compassionate leadership.

When we look into the root of the word discipline and what it actually means, we can clear up some of this confusion and better understand how to parent positively from a place of grace and confidence.

**Listen to the full podcast episode here, or read on for a deep dive into discipline and how to use it positively in parenting.

The Origin of the Word Discipline

Discipline has its roots in two Latin words:

1. Disciplina: instructions, teaching, learning, knowledge
2. Discipulus: pupil
   • This is also where we get our English word disciple, meaning follower and learner.

Both of these words derive from the Latin verb discere, meaning “to learn.”

Negative Connotations

Though the origin of the word has education in mind, in English discipline is often used to refer to punishment in the context of parenting. When we think of discipline we tend to think of time-outs, yelling, or spanking. These means of discipline are more negative, authoritarian, and aggressive.

But when we go back to the root of this word, we can see that discipline does not have to be negative. At the heart of discipline is teaching, and a good teacher imparts knowledge, skills, and understanding with grace and confidence.

Toddler Development

Part of why framing discipline as teaching and guiding is crucial, especially when we are talking about disciplining toddlers, is because their brains are not fully developed. Toddlers are just learning how to form words and communicate their wants and needs. Their brains do not have the same capacity for reasoning and emotional regulation as fully developed brains do.

So when toddlers are met with more authoritarian aggressive parenting practices, such as yelling, spanking, and threats, they enter fight or flight states and their brain goes offline. The part of their brain controlling logic and reasoning completely shuts down.

In this triggered state, our toddlers are not going to be able to comprehend or follow through with anything that we are saying. This is why the middle of a meltdown is not the time for lectures. True teaching can only happen when both we and our toddlers are calm and our brains are thinking clearly.

The Goal of Discipline

Going back to the root of discipline, if our goal as parents is to teach, to instruct, and to guide our children, then we need to get out of this negative reactive cycle which hinders our children’s ability to learn from us in the moments where we feel like they should be.

Instead of only focusing our attention and energy on telling our toddlers what not to do, we should be looking for calm opportunities to foster skills, values, and virtues–to teach and practice positive behavior that will contribute to the child’s overall character and social development. In order to do this, we need to meet our toddlers where they are developmentally, instead of fighting the stage they are in.

Positive Discipline is Proactive

So how can we shift our parenting from negative discipline to positive discipline? It starts with being proactive. Proactive parenting looks like:

• Understanding where our toddler is developmentally
• Being conscious of our own frustrations and negative reactions to their behaviors
• Making a plan for managing our own needs
  • Seeking out support when we need it
  • Setting up our environment for success
• Identifying the skills our toddler is missing and making a plan to teach those skills
• Teaching our children positive behavior
  • We can lead by example and teach through play, books, and more.

Through all of this, we need to remind ourselves that even if we strive to be proactive and positive in our parenting, we will never be a perfect parent, and that is O.K. Our toddler needs us to model how apologize and repair relationships too.

Parenting with Values in Mind

In my own parenting, I have come to realize that while rules and boundaries are important, teaching values is more important. While rules tend to be a list of what “not to do,” values are a list of what “to do“. A family’s values are what give the rules their context. They are the “why” behind them.

Here’s an EXAMPLE from my own home:

• Rule: No fighting and hurting others over toys
• Boundary: The toy gets removed until a peaceful solution is found
• Value: People are more important than things

Other values behind this rule:

1. Respect
2. Love
3. Sharing

How to Teach Values

• Modeling: One of the best ways to teach values is by practicing them and naming them when you do. When we share with our toddler we can highlight that value by saying something like, “I would love to share with you!” Your toddler will likely start saying the same thing when they share simply because you do.
• Books: Find children’s books that show values and virtues in the story.
• Ask “How” Questions: When I was explaining our family value of love to my boys, I asked them how they could show love to others. They came up with many examples like giving hugs, sharing, and helping.
• Family Motto: Creating a family motto is also a fun way to remind the family of key values you want to be known by.

As we parent, we are like a shepherd, guiding our children. We are like a teacher, instructing them and imparting knowledge. We are like a coach, giving them skills and helping them practice. And we can discipline in a way that meets them right where they are and help guide them as they grow.

If you find that you are in a season of needing more proactive parenting tools and support sign up for the next Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast videos on YouTube while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world seemed to address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, a twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her most recent Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting more tools along the way.