Do your toddlers throw food? Does it feel like most of their food ends of up on the floor? If mealtime is a constant struggle, there is hope! The key is to look for the root cause so that you can figure out what to do that can actually help.

**Listen to the podcast episode here or keep reading for some practical tips!

Behavior is Communication

When our toddlers throw food, there is usually either a developmental reason or an underlying need that they are trying to communicate. Because their verbal skills and impulse control are still developing, toddlers try to tell us what they need through their actions. Their behavior is communication. Behaviors are often the symptoms and we want to find the root cause so that we can teach our toddlers the skills they need to bridge the gap. In order to do this, we need to connect with them.

Step 1: Observe and identify the underlying need.

• When you see your toddler throwing food, ask yourself some questions. Below are a few examples, but there are many more questions you can ask depending on the temperament of your toddler and their unique needs.
  • Are they throwing because they love seeing the cause and effect?
  • Are they throwing for attention?
  • Are they throwing because they love to help clean with the vacuum?
  • Are they done eating and bored?
  • Are they upset?

Once you have an idea of what your toddler is trying to accomplish by throwing their food, you will be able to tailor your responses to actually meet the needs they are expressing.

At this point, many in the mainstream parenting world put forth the validation/boundary method as the solution.

Step 2: Validate the child’s experience and state the boundary.

EXAMPLE

• Toddler throws his spaghetti on the floor because he wanted pizza instead.
  • Validate: When your toddler is upset by something, first acknowledge their experience so they feel seen and understood: “I see you are upset about not having pizza for dinner. It’s okay to be upset.”
  • Boundary: Then state the boundary, which helps children know where the limits are so they feel safe to learn and grow within them. “It is not okay to throw your food. Food stays at the table.”

Where the Validation/Boundary Method Falls Short

While it is important to acknowledge our toddlers feelings and hold boundaries, when we rely on this alone it can burn us out. Sometimes we can get stuck in a cycle with our toddler, especially if the toddler continues doing the undesirable behavior to get attention.

By validating and stating the boundary repeatedly, we might actually be reinforcing the behavior which can lead to them doing it more. This is what Heather calls The Toddler Reactivity Loop. When we get sucked into this cycle, the cycle itself can become a game.

Building Skills

When we get stuck in this negative loop with our toddlers, we need to think about the validation/boundary method more as a stepping stone instead of the ending point. We want to focus less on just the rules themselves and more on teaching missing skills. Having this focus helps break out of the endless toddler reactivity loop.

EXAMPLE

• When a toddler demands food by yelling, “I WANT MORE! MORE CHIPS!” we recognize that they need to practice manners to better communicate with those around them. So we teach them how to ask, “More food, please?”

These same manners skills can actually transfer to throwing food as well! Just as it is poor manners to demand food, it is also poor manners to throw food on the floor.

So what are some replacement manners skills we can give our toddler when they are throwing food?

Step 3: Teach your toddler a replacement behavior or give them something to say instead. This is what Heather calls an Empowered Toddler Communication Script

EXAMPLE

If your toddler is throwing because they are done, you can teach them to say:

• “I’m all done.”
• “Take it.”
• “I don’t want it.”

EXAMPLE

If your toddler is throwing because a sibling upset them, you can teach them to say:

• “I need space.”
• “That’s mine.”

The goal here is to collaborate with our toddlers to give them something to say that would help them communicate their need verbally instead of physically. This is part of what Heather calls the Intentional Toddler Collaboration Method where we are trying to connect with our toddlers to help them get their needs met in an appropriate way.

Heather’s Story: The Reluctant Helper

When Heather’s twins were young toddlers, they would throw food to test boundaries and learn cause and effect. As her twins got older, she noticed one of her sons struggled with throwing his food more than the other.

The Skill of Following Directions

Her toddler who did not struggle as much with this behavior was better at following directions when it came to mealtime. When he was done eating, he was able to take his plate and clear it into the trash and then put his plate in the sink.

Heather’s other twin was struggling with this and instead throwing his food on the floor when he was done and then refusing to help clean up. He is also the twin more likely to engage in attention seeking, button pushing behavior.

Heather noticed that the skill he needed help with was following through with the after meal cleanup routine, either by communicating that he needed help with his plate when he was done or by helping to clean up if the food ended up on the floor.

When Collaboration Doesn’t Seem to Work

If our toddlers tend toward attention seeking and button pushing behavior, they may really push back on your attempts to collaborate and problem solve and it might seem like helping them to communicate with you is not working at all.

EXAMPLE

Heather’s toddler was throwing food and refusing to help clean up the floor.

• Step 1: Heather noticed that after he would run away and run around the room a few times, he would often come back and help clean up. Maybe he reacted negatively to the pressure of the moment or was just on his own time.
• Step 2: Because she recognized this tendency, Heather stopped repeating the instructions endlessly (getting out of the toddler reactivity loop) and started giving him the space to get his wiggles out.
• Step 3: After he had space, he would come back much more willing to help and Heather was there to guide him.

My Story: Power Struggles and Triggers

In my own parenting journey I’ve struggled to overcome my reactions to food throwing power struggles.

Taking Behavior Personally

With my firstborn, throwing at the table was a major power struggle. He would come to the table and immediately start tossing or dropping his food. He would fling his water cup and fork and ask for them back over and over. This was a huge trigger for me.

I started to realize that I was taking food struggles personally because I felt like all my efforts to prepare a meal were being wasted, and on top of that it left a big mess. As a first time mom, I did not have much tolerance for big messes. I often got frustrated and snapped when he threw, dropped, or refused his food. When I would get upset, he would do it more. This threw me for a loop at first, but then I realized that my harsh reactions were feeding his actions. It was a vicious cycle. And I knew I had to be the one to break it.

Taking the Pressure Off

I realized that I had unrealistically high expectations for my toddler to eat everything on his plate and for my floors to stay clean. I started to come to terms with this when my second son started solids. I was able to be much more relaxed about the mess with him, expecting things to be dropped and tossed sometimes.

I started applying the same grace to my toddler, expecting the mess and reigning in my reactions. I began to take a step back and put less pressure on him as well. If he started tossing his food at the beginning of the meal, I would not force dinner at that moment and let him continue playing. I knew that he would eat when he was ready. When I would invite him to the table a second time he would usually be hungry and ready to eat without throwing.

A Special Placemat

Another thing that helped as I began to teach my toddler the skills surrounding mealtimes was using a place-setting placemat that had designated spaces for his plate, fork, spoon, and cup. I could remind him that he had a special place to put his fork and cup down after he was done using it. When he had that visual aid he was much less likely to throw.

A No-Thank-You Spot

With my second-born food never became as big of a power struggle, but I did notice that he would drop food that he either didn’t like or was done with.

I started offering him a “no-thank you” spot to put unwanted food. At first it was a spot on his high chair, which became a bowl, napkin, or spot on his place mat (or even my plate as I will often eat what he doesn’t anyways). Offering that alternative has helped a lot less food end up on the ground.

The Messy Reality

I have come to accept that toddlers are messy eaters and won’t be perfect at remembering the alternatives you give them. Even if they keep their food at the table most of the time, many a crust or unwanted veggie and plenty crumbs end up on the floor.

None of us are guaranteed a spotless floor, but we can help reduce power struggles at the table and bring more peace to mealtime. When we take a step back and try to find the reason behind the throwing, the refusal, or the power struggle, we will be able to better problem solve, teach a skill, or curb our own reactions.

Every toddler is different. Maybe our toddlers needs to be given choices so they can exercise some autonomy. Maybe we can plan for the pushback and give them more time to make the right choice. Maybe we can give them words to better express what they need so that we can better understand them. As we problem solve, we approach our toddlers not from a place of control, but from a place of connection.

If you are looking for more support on your own parenting journey, sign up for the next free Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast videos on YouTube while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, a twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her most recent Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting more tools along the way!