Why do toddlers sometimes have a meltdown after you give them something that they just asked for? Or why do they get stuck in a frustrating “yes, no” loop, where they want something then don’t, then do again? And what can we do when our toddlers have meltdowns when they want something that they can’t have?

Heather offers answers to these questions and great insights and tips to help parents navigate these tough toddler moments with compassion and calm.

**Listen to the full podcast episode here, or read on for the tips!

#1. When toddlers ask for something, but don’t want it when you give it to them

This behavior can be so confusing and frustrating for parents.

EXAMPLES

• Your toddler asks for a snack, but then says “no” to the snack when you give it to him, maybe even pushing it away or throwing it on the ground.
• Your toddler really wants a certain toy and gets upset. But when you do go get it and give it to your toddler, he is still upset and doesn’t want it anymore.

This behavior often is the beginning of what Heather calls the “yes, no” loop. These two behaviors are closely related so we will look at them both and their solutions together.

#2. When toddlers get stuck in a “yes, no” loop

The difference between a toddler who doesn’t want what they requested and one who gets stuck in a “yes, no” loop is how the toddler responds when you remove the item. If they are upset when you give them what they wanted, but then upset when you take it away again, then they might be stuck in a “yes, no” loop.

EXAMPLE

• A toddler asks for a cup of milk, but when her parent gives her the cup she starts crying and won’t take it. So the parent, not wanting the child to be upset, goes to set the cup up on the counter. But as the parent is pulling the cup away, the toddler cries harder and grabs for it back. The parent then lets the child have the cup, but when she finally has it she throws the cup, milk spills everywhere, and she cries even more, now in total meltdown mode.

The Real Problem

The real problem here is likely not the cup of milk. There is something else going on underneath the surface, something deeper that our toddlers are struggling with.

• Either, our toddlers know what they want but not how to communicate that to us.

• Or our toddlers don’t know exactly what they want and are struggling with underlying emotions.

The Solutions

1. Teaching Communication Skills

When our toddlers get frustrated, they are trying to tell us something, but because their verbal skills and understanding are limited, they tell us in the form of a meltdown. It can be so exhausting to try and figure out what our toddlers are trying to tell us when we are so busy with taking care of them, the house, work, and all the other things we have on our plates. But if we can take a step back, understand what they are trying to say, and give them those words, then they can practice better communication skills and we won’t be left guessing.

EXAMPLE

If your toddler screams when she doesn’t want what you just gave her, teach targeted replacement words such as

• “No thank you.”
• “Don’t want it.”
• “Take it.”

2. Giving Choices and Encouraging Independence

Toddlers have a strong developmental desire for independence. As their language starts to grow, “I do it” becomes their favorite phrase. Maybe your toddler wants to pour their own milk, open the snack themselves, or take off their socks by themselves. Some of those things may be within their abilities, and others may be just beyond them. That’s when we can come in offering them simple choices tailored to their ability or set up their environment for successful independence.

EXAMPLES

• Simple choices: You can have your toddler chose between two different colored cups or between two snack options you picked out.
• Self-help skills: You can encourage your toddler to put on or take off their own clothes or wash their own hands, showing them how and letting them practice. Be sure to plan out extra time in your routines for them to work on these skills so you aren’t running late and frustrated.
• Safe and accessible environment: You can set up baskets by the front door for easy access to shoes and socks, or have hooks low on the wall for kid’s coats and backpacks. If your toddler loves to help out in the kitchen, you can pull up a stool or toddler tower and have a child-safe knife for him. Consider ways for your toddler to have safe access to their things. You know your child best!

3. Underlying Emotions

When our toddlers realize that what they asked for was not what they actually wanted or needed, they may be struggling with underlying emotions that they do not know how to navigate. Sometimes the request for water is not just about thirst. The request may be a way for our toddlers to ask for comfort or attention. Once the immediate need is addressed, the underlying emotion that was not met comes to the surface and bubbles over, resulting in a meltdown.

So what can we do when our toddlers are struggling with underlying emotions but are not communicating their true needs?

1. Give emotional support: Acknowledge their frustration and overwhelm, offering a hug or a chance to calm down and talk it through.
2. Model self-regulation skills: Take some deep breaths yourself and encourage your toddlers to do the same. You can hold up your fingers and tell them to blow out the candles to help them.
3. Reduce difficult tasks: When our toddlers are struggling emotionally, they are in a dysregulated state and not able to access the skills that they usually have. We may need to support them more than normal. If your toddler is refusing to put on his shoes and you need to go, this is the time to simply help him or get to the car and put the shoes on there.

Giving our Toddlers Grace

When we have bad days or go through high stress situations, we do what we can to take difficult things off our plates. For example, we might stay in comfy clothes, put our hair up in a messy mom-bun, rest as much as we can, and make an easy dinner or even get take out.

Just like us, our toddlers have hard days, emotional moods, and go through stressful situations. Sometimes we don’t recognize those underlying reasons because our toddlers do not have the communication skills to tell us or the problem solving skills to ask for more help than usual. Instead, we just see the difficult behavior these underlying emotions can cause.

When we can shift our attention to what our toddlers need from us emotionally as well as physically, looking for what is beneath the surface and not just seeing the frustrating behavior, we will be able to give them the compassion and grace that they need, the same grace and compassion we so often give ourselves.

#3. When toddlers want something they can’t have

When things don’t go our toddler’s way, they get upset. We usually can see these meltdowns coming from a mile away. Maybe our toddlers want something they can’t have, like an unsafe object, or a snack we do not have in the house. Sometimes our toddlers expected something to happen one way but those expectations go unmet.

Here are a few ways to respond and guide our toddlers through these meltdowns:

• Hold the boundary: We should be clear and consistent when we hold boundaries with something they want but can’t have and should not give in just because of a meltdown. We need to make the hard call sometimes, especially if there is a safety concern.
• Encourage emotional expression: It is okay for our toddlers to feel upset about the boundaries we hold. As their vocabularies and understanding grows, we want to teach them to name their emotions. For example they can say “sad,” or “mad” instead of screaming when they can’t play with scissors.
• Teach flexibility: We can teach our toddlers valuable life lessons about disappointment, delayed gratification, patience, and how to move on. We can say, “Sometimes we can’t have exactly what we want. And that’s okay. Let’s see what else we can do to have fun.” It is important to talk about these truths outside of the meltdown moments and practice these skills during play when our toddlers are calm.
• Encouraging problem solving skills: Sometimes we can show our toddlers how to come up with other solutions by asking questions like “what can we do now?” or “what can we do instead?”
• Help them cope with the frustration: Sometimes our toddlers just need our emotional and physical support in these moments. Offering a simple hug can make all the difference.
• Model calm: We can show our toddlers how to handle their moments of frustration by narrating how we cope with our own disappointments. You might say, “I was really hoping that it would be a sunny day today. I really wanted to take you to the park to play, but we can still have fun inside. Let’s pick out something special to do together.” As you model a calm and matter of fact tone, you may hear your toddler begin to do the same.
• Distraction: Sometimes problem solving and shifting to the positives of the situation will be distraction enough, but other times you may need an unrelated distraction to get you’re your toddler’s mind off the upsetting topic. Sometimes we can shift their attention to the next thing we are doing in our day, we can give them a simple choice, or even sing a favorite song or play an “eye-spy” game. For some toddlers at certain stages distractions really help. Other times offering the distraction might seem to make them more upset and overwhelmed, in which case your toddler might just need a break or some space.
• Change of scene: When nothing else seems to help, sometimes just moving your toddler to a new room and out of the area they were upset in can help. Even better than another room might be going outside where the fresh air and the nature sounds are naturally calming.

EXAMPLE

When your toddler prefers one parent to do things with them over the other, it can be hard to navigate the meltdown that then comes when they realize that their expectation is not going to be met.

How to help:

• Prepare them ahead of time so they can adjust their expectations and envision what will actually happen instead of what they would have preferred.
• Set up fun routines with each parent like fun pancake breakfasts with daddy or special outings with mommy.
• Have both parents be in charge of parts of normal routines, such as daddy doing bath time and mommy helping to brush teeth. You can switch off or keep things consistent, whatever works best for your family!

Navigating these expected and unexpected meltdowns is a challenge, but when we have the right tools and find out what works best for our families, we can bring peace to our homes and find peace, even in the midst of the chaos.

And if you find yourself needing more support, sign up for the Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Guide and Workshop here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, a twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her most recent Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting more tools along the way!