One year ago today, the Toddler Toolkit Podcast aired its very first episode! It has been a year filled with great tips and insights, stories of parenting twins and toddlers close in age, and mindset shifts as we are all growing and learning in our parenting journeys. In honor of that first episode, here is a version of it for the blog! Heather sheds light on what is going on in our toddlers’ brains as they develop in these early years, describes three key needs that we can meet with our toddlers, and shares her top ten meltdown tips.

**Listen to the full episode here, or read on for the tips!

Toddler Brain Development

After birth and throughout early childhood, our children experience rapid growth in the connections formed between the neurons in their brain. These connections are called synapses. The number of synapses in the brain actually peaks around the time a child is 2 to 3 years old, reaching numbers twice as high as most adults.

As our children get older, the active synapses (neural pathways that get used most often) become stronger and the inactive synapses (the pathways used the least) fade away. This process is called pruning. During this time, our children’s unique personality begins to take shape—how they interact with the world, what actions they tend to take, what things they like or dislike.

Knowing what is going on inside out toddlers brains helps us see how much they are growing and learning in these few short years. How we show up for our toddlers—the connections, the experiences, and the opportunities we give them to learn and play—matters and is foundational to how they will interact with the world as they grow.

The Three Needs Buckets and How to Fill Them

Heather has identified three different needs that are like buckets that we can fill for our toddlers. When these buckets are full, we often see less behavioral issues and less meltdowns than when they are empty.

#1. Learning Bucket

Toddlers are wired to learn best through play. Like little scientists they gather data, make observations, and test their understanding as they grow.

How To Fill:

• Because they are natural learners, our toddlers will be internalizing lessons about the world around them whether we are intentionally teaching them or not, so we want to make sure we are helping them learn the right lessons as well as developing life skills, such as problem-solving, self-regulation, communication, and social skills.
• Because they learn best through play and simple observation, we should model the values and behavior we want to see and guide them when they need help during independent play and play with others.

#2. Independence Bucket

Toddlers are learning that they have opinions about the world around them and want to make their voices heard. Though parents still make most of the decisions, we can give our toddlers some age appropriate control to meet their growing need for independence.

How To Fill:

• When appropriate, give your toddler choices over small things, like which shoes to wear, what color cup to use, or which snack to eat. It is usually a good idea to give only two or three options until they are used to making choices often, so they are not overwhelmed.
• The more small choices toddlers make, the more they grow in confidence as they see that they can influence the world around them and that their voices matter.

#3. Attention Bucket

Being connected emotionally and physically to parents and caregivers is crucial at this stage in a child’s development. Though toddlers are beginning to understand themselves as separate from their parents, growing in their independence, they still need a lot of attention and care.

How To Fill:

• We can give our toddlers the attention they need by being their place of safety and comfort, offering soothing words and touch when they need it.
• We can also connect with our toddlers by supporting them in their learning processes, encouraging them through words and actions and offering a helping hand when they need.

Top 10 Meltdown Tips

Toddler Meltdowns can be challenging and confusing to navigate. Whether you can see the meltdown coming from a mile away or one takes you completely by surprise, here are tips and strategies to try.

Tip #1: Be calm and non-reactive.

Our toddlers are reading our body language and our tone of voice. If we have excitement in our voice, our toddlers can feed off of that energy and it may fuel their behavior instead of stop it. We want to stay calm in the face of meltdowns and unwanted behavior, sharing our calm, instead of our frustration.

• EXAMPLE: If it’s not a safety issue, we should practice responding to our toddlers from a place of calm instead of reacting and blowing up.
  • If your toddlers are engaging in a frustrating behavior, like running away from you at the grocery store, and you give them a big, energetic reaction, they might actually double down on the behavior, ramping up their energy in the same way that we did when we reacted. We want our calm to conquer their chaos.

Tip #2: Use redirection.

We can try to distract our toddlers from the pull of a meltdown or unwanted behavior by directing their attention to elsewhere, presenting an alternative toy, task, or action.

• EXAMPLE
  • If there are two children and one wants a toy that the other one has, you can try redirecting that child to play with another toy while she waits for the other child to be done. This is a great way to build sharing and waiting skills as well.

Tip #3: Tell your toddler what you want them to do, instead of what you don’t want them to do.

Phrase instructions positively instead of negatively.

• EXAMPLE: Instead of saying, “Don’t throw the car,” you can say, “Zoom the car.” Telling them what to do instead is much clearer and easier for them to follow.
  • Another reason why this works is that toddlers often remember the last few words of a sentence. If we say “stop” and “don’t” in the beginning of our directions, like “stop hitting,” all they may remember is “hitting.” Saying “gentle hands” can help the right behavior stick instead.

Tip #4: Use proactive praise.

It’s easy as parents to get stuck focusing on all our toddler’s negative behaviors, constantly correcting them worrying about their struggles. We want to train our brains to look for moments where we can praise and encourage our toddlers in the behavior that we want to see, because what we water grows.

• EXAMPLE: When you see your toddler doing something positive, even if it’s small, take a moment to give them praise and encouragement. If they listened to your directions, if they successfully put the cup on the table without spilling, if they asked for your help instead of screaming, these are all wins, great and small, that we can praise.

Tip #5: Utilize your child’s strengths as a replacement behavior.

Every child has unique strengths or interests that we can take notice of and encourage them in when they are struggling.

• EXAMPLE: Maybe your toddler is really good at cleaning up and he enjoys helping. If he is throwing toys, you can encourage him to clean up the toys instead of throwing them. You toddler then gets praise and attention from you for something good, not for the negative behavior. Find your child’s strengths and reinforce them.
  • This strategy is sometimes used by teachers in a classroom. If a teacher gives a disruptive student the role of classroom helper, that student’s behavior often changes because he has a new focus.

Tip #6: Give your child boundaries and consequences and stick to them.

It is important that we have a system of clear boundaries and logical consequences in place and that we are consistent with that system. When we don’t have a plan or don’t follow through, we can train our toddlers not to trust us or listen to us.

• EXAMPLE: If your child is throwing toys and you have tried redirecting them, but they are still throwing, you may need to hold the boundary of no throwing and follow through with a related consequence, removing the toys that are being thrown.

Tip #7: Make a routine out of something that is difficult for your toddler.

If our toddlers struggle with something, we want to help them learn to cope and overcome the difficulty by building small exposures into their normal day and making those experiences as positive as we can.

• EXAMPLE: If two siblings are struggling to share, we can find an interactive toy or game that they both can take turns with, like putting coins in a piggy bank. When we spend five minutes a few times a day helping them through the turn taking process, we give them many small opportunities for positive sharing experiences. The more mini exposure and practice moments they have the less likely they are to have meltdowns every time they need to share.

Tip #8: Recognize attention seeking behavior; your reaction may fuel that behavior.

Our toddlers engage in attention seeking behavior when they act in certain ways just to get our attention, even if that attention is negative. It is important to recognize when our toddlers are acting out in this way because many common in-the-moment strategies won’t be effective. We often need to change our approach and make sure we are shifting our attention, and theirs, to a positive interaction.  

• EXAMPLE: Your toddler is playing roughly with his sibling and you have repeatedly stopped doing dishes to go over and correct him, but he continues to play rough. You realize that he seems to be continuing just for you to stop doing dishes and give him attention. You pull up a stool and offer for him to do dishes with you instead. Your toddler now has the opportunity to get attention in a positive way.

Tip #9: Find teachable moments when your child is calm and not upset.

Trying to teach or lecture a child in the middle of a meltdown is not effective because they are not in a place to process anything we are saying. Their brain is offline and their emotions have taken control. We are here to support our toddlers through their meltdowns, and teaching either happens before or after.

• EXAMPLES:
  • Before: We can prepare our toddlers for a tricky situation ahead of time. Before you go into a store, you can remind your toddler of what you are going in to get so that they know what to expect.
  • After: If your toddler had a meltdown while leaving the store because they wanted something that you weren’t going to get, you can explain the situation and go over expectations for next time after you are home and they are calm again.

Tip #10: Use proactive strategies.

When we are planning ahead for our toddlers and evaluating their needs, we can proactively set them and their environment up for success. We can look at their schedules, build things into their routines, keep a look out for common triggers, and assess their mood to help avoid meltdowns before they happen.

• EXAMPLES: Making sure their needs are met.
  • When toddlers are hungry, tired, and overstimulated, they are prone to more meltdowns. If you are out and about, have easy snacks on hand and find a quiet moment with your toddler if they need to rest or recharge.
  • Filling their learning, independence, and attention buckets are great ways to make sure your toddlers emotional and developmental needs are also being met to avoid meltdowns.

It is important to remember that despite our best efforts to avoid them, toddler meltdowns are going to happen. They are part of their normal development, as are other difficult toddler behaviors such as difficulty sharing, running away from us at the store, or hitting, throwing, kicking, and biting. Understanding this can help us have developmentally appropriate expectations for our toddlers so that we can support them when they struggle.

We want to give attention to, teach, and practice the behaviors we want to see in our toddlers and give them grace through the process. Learning is hard! And our toddlers are learning so much. Our job is to show up as a loving teacher and guide, encouraging them and helping them as they grow.

If you find yourself needing more parenting tools and support, sign up for the free Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Guide and Workshop here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, a twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her most recent Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting more tools along the way!