Having toddlers close in age means double the laughter and sometimes double the tantrums.

Whether they are twins, Irish twins, or siblings close in age, parenting multiple children in the toddler stage is a challenging balancing act as we are recognizing shared milestones while also trying to value each child’s unique journey. While siblings might look for each other in their cribs at night or try a new food because the other one tried it, they are also discovering their own unique personalities and preferences as well as their power to say no and step on each others’ tiny toes.

How do we navigate these tough moments while meeting each toddler’s individual needs and trying to foster positive sibling relationships? Heather has some great insights and tips to help us walk this tightrope of toddlerhood so that we can find those individual moments with our toddlers, tailor their routines to fit them, and build a home where individual needs are met.

**Listen to the full podcast episode here, or keep reading for the tips!

Individual Moments

When life is already so busy, carving out one-on-one time with our toddlers is challenging. These individual moments, however, do not have to take up a lot of our time. Even just fifteen minutes of reading, listening, or interacting with our toddlers without distractions can make a huge impact.

Here are a few tips on how to build individual moments into your families routines:

Tip #1: Staggered Activities

When you have more than one child with you, one way to still build in individual time with each is by staggering and rotating activities where one of your toddlers is engaging in independent play while the other is engaging with you.

EXAMPLES

• You set out a bin of blocks for one of your toddlers to play with independently while you read a book to your other toddler. After you finish reading, your toddlers can switch activities so they both get that individual time with you.
• If you have more than one child, but one is an infant or younger toddler that naps when the older toddler is awake, you can use that nap time to pull out an activity that not usually available when the other is awake, such as play-dough, markers, sensory bins, or Legos.

Tip #2: “Mom and Me” Dates

When you have extra hands to help, you can take one child out for special one-on-one time with you while the other is with Daddy, at school, or with Grandma. This outing can be as adventurous as going to a playground and ice cream or as simple as running an errand. Getting that one-on-one time with you is what makes it special!

EXAMPLE

• Heather discovered her toddler’s need for special one-on-one time in an unexpected way. One of her twins was throwing toys at her and nothing she was doing to get him to stop seemed to be helping. She began to realize that her other toddler was receiving most of her attention. When her one toddler threw the toys, he got his mom’s attention, even if it was negative attention. This is known as attention seeking behavior.
• When a toddler exhibits aggressive attention seeking behavior such as hitting, kicking, or throwing, the last thing we tend to think is that our toddler needs more one-on-one time with us. Since our toddlers often don’t know how to communicate their needs in positive ways, they use their limited experience to get our attention through negative behaviors.
• Once Heather realized that she needed to fill her toddler’s attention bucket, she started building special one-on-one outings with him into their weekly routine. Her toddler soaked up every minute of their time together and loved having her undivided attention. When his attention bucket started to fill up from these positive moments, his negative attention seeking behavior stopped.

Tip #3: Active Listening

Amidst the chaos and the chatter of our lives, it can be easy to miss the small babbling voices of our toddlers, but we need to make sure we are tuned into their words and are trying to understand them. Whether your toddlers know a lot of words and communicate clearly or babble in their own language, they are trying to tell you about the world they are exploring and discovering.

In addition to helping our toddlers feel seen and heard, active listening supports their language development. When toddlers see that their words have meaning and evoke a response from us, they are encouraged to communicate more. When we listen actively, we show them that we value their experience which builds their trust in us.

EXAMPLE

• One way to practice active listening is to repeat the words that your toddlers say. This gives you the opportunity to show them that you understood them and gives your toddler both the benefit of hearing words said again as well as the opportunity to let you know if you heard them correctly. If your toddler says something that sounds like “juice” and you repeat them in a questing tone saying, “Juice?” they can say, “Yes! Juice!” or, “No . . . Fruit!”

Tailored Toddler Routines

Toddlers thrive on routines. They often find comfort in the predictability of going through the same set of actions over and over again. But because every toddler is unique, the way we go about our normal routines and what we include in them may look very different. So how can we tailor our toddlers’ routines to meet their unique needs?

Tip #1: Use Choice and Voice

The easiest way for us to keep each of our toddlers’ personalities in mind is by letting them make simple preference choices inside our routines. This lets them feel heard within rhythms we have already established.

EXAMPLES

• Bedtime routine: Our toddlers can pick which pajamas to wear, what book to read, or what song we sing. We can give our toddlers two or three options, but some may be able to handle more options, knowing exactly which book they want to read out of a giant stack.
• Snack time: Would they like to have, yogurt bites or a piece of cheese?
• Outdoor play: Do they want to go down the slides or swing?
• Turn taking: Who gets to go first down the slide? Who will have the toy first?

Tip #2: 15 Minutes to Milestones

When Heather’s twins needed to make progress towards certain milestones, she created an activity for their weekly routine called “15 minutes to milestones.” It involves a bin filled with toys and household items related to the milestone your toddler is working on. Once a week, you spend 15 minutes with your toddler exploring the bin and interacting with the theme. This activity helps them learn through play, develop needed skills, and enjoy one-on-one time with you!

EXAMPLE

• If your toddler needs help learning their colors, counting, or animal sounds, find toys, puzzles, books, and random household items that fit the theme. When you show your toddler the bin, you can even let him pick which item to explore first.

Tip #3: Know Your Child’s Learning Lane

Each of our toddlers has a unique learning lane made up of their personal interests and strengths. One toddler loves learning about sea animals while another loves rockets and outer space. One toddler is skilled at doing puzzles while another creates with playdough. To know where our toddlers’ interests and strengths lie, we can offer a variety of activities and learning opportunities and let them choose what they want to pursue.

Knowing where our toddlers excel can also help us know how best to teach them self-regulation skills. When it comes to helping a child calm down, one strategy may work for one child but not for another. We want to model and teach them self regulations skills that will work for them and that they will want to use.

EXAMPLE

• If you have a toddler who likes to count to 10, then counting to 10 might be a great calming technique to use with that toddler. But if you have another toddler who doesn’t like counting, having that toddler try to count to 10 might be frustrating instead of calming. Find what clicks with your toddler.

Meeting Individual Needs

It is amazing how different our toddlers can be from each other. Even identical twins, though they share so much, have their own individual personalities. Heather sees these differences in her own twin boys. Where one eats slowly, the other eats quickly. One loves blueberries while the other prefers strawberries. Offering choices and exposure to different things tells her a lot about how each of her twins is a unique individual.

Tip #1: Recognize Unique Milestones

With twins especially, we can more easily fall into assuming that they will be exactly alike and pressure them to reach the same milestones at the same time. In reality, they are their own people on their own unique journeys. Even when our toddlers are not twins and are just close in age, it is easy to compare them and expect one to have the same developmental path as the other.

We want to avoid the comparison trap as much as possible. Comparing siblings to each other can lead us to push our children too hard and can increase rivalry, jealousy, and bitterness in the sibling relationship. We need to remember that children progress at their own pace. Our job is to meet each of our children where they are and give them personalized guidance and support. We are here to nurture their unique gifts, foster positive relationships, and create a supportive environment.

EXAMPLE

• One or your toddlers is an early talker and can say more words more clearly than the other. But the other toddler has mastered gross and fine motor skills earlier than the other. You can celebrate the individual strengths and achievements of both while continuing to praise their efforts in the areas that are challenging for them, focusing on personal growth, hard work, and persistence.

Tip #2: Advocate for Your Toddlers Unique Needs

Many meltdowns and tough behaviors come from toddlers navigating sibling relationships. Toddlers get frustrated when things don’t go their way and they have to share toys and attention. But having a sibling also gives our toddlers many opportunities to learn important social skills and life lessons right at home. If we can give our toddlers the skills they need to advocate for themselves, they will be less prone to meltdowns and physical behavior because they will have words to say or actions to take instead.

EXAMPLES

• If one of your toddlers does not like being touched and another child is in their personal space, you can teach that toddler to say, “Space please,” or to move away.
• When one toddler is being hit by another, it is important to not only help the child who is hitting to find a better behavior, but also give the child who was hit something to do, like saying, “Stop, I don’t like that,” or running away and asking an adult for help.
• When siblings need help turn taking or sharing and one is an infant or a toddler with less communication skills than the other, we can step in and model asking for a turn and waiting for the sibling to be done.
• We can help our toddlers develop problem solving skills by asking questions when there is a conflict: “What can we do to figure this out?”

Parenting toddlers close in age is full of chaos and challenges, but it can also be full of just as much love and laughter. As we focus on meeting our children’s individual needs, spending time with them, listening to them, and valuing them for who they are, we are creating an environment for them to thrive, paving the way for more confident, kind toddlers and a more joy-filled home.

If you find yourself needing more parenting tools and support, sign up for the free Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Guide and Workshop here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her most recent Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting more tools along the way!