7 Milestones You Need to Know!

From 2 ½ to 3 ½ years, our toddlers are growing and changing as they move closer to being school age. Heather has identified seven toddler milestones that parents should be aware of as they guide their toddlers in this stage of their development. Though every toddler is unique and develops at their own pace, these seven milestones capture the common themes that Heather had seen in her own toddlers and in the toddlers of the parents she supports.

**Listen to the full podcast episode here, or read on for the insights!

#1: Independence and Autonomy

The Toddler Roller Coaster

Heather describes this part of toddler development like the drop on a rollercoaster. You may be on the roller coaster climbing the hill, approaching the age of two and expecting that drop of the “terrible twos,” but maybe you passed your child’s birthday and you haven’t seen signs of that drop yet. You are still going up and you think you might not hit the drop after all. The age of two seems more like the “terrific twos,” but then, closer to 2 ½ or even almost 3, something shifts and all of a sudden your toddler’s behavior hits that drop and you are left wondering, “What happened?”

Part of that shift has to do with toddlers seeking more independence which can lead to frustration and power struggles. They might want to get in and out of their car seats, zip and unzip their jackets and take off their shoes by themselves. These are great skills that we want our toddlers to master, but the struggles come when they either cannot do these tasks easily and get frustrated, resulting in a meltdown, or we are in a hurry to get somewhere so we need to do it for them, resulting in a meltdown.

Though the power struggles and frustrations are challenging, because of this increase in independence and autonomy, we really get to see more of our toddler’s unique personality. As they assert themselves more, we learn their preferences, their favorite things, the areas they struggle or what they are good at, and so much more.

Boundaries and Consequences

At this age, toddlers are also beginning to understand rules and boundaries more, but that does not always mean they understand the consequences of their actions. This is why it is important that we check for understanding before we enforce rules and dole out consequences. When we focus on sharing with our toddlers the understanding they lack and giving them the opportunity to exercise some autonomy by choosing how to make the situation right, we connect with our toddlers and guide them positively.

EXAMPLE

• One of Heather’s twins was testing boundaries and threw a cup of milk on the floor which splattered everywhere. When she paused and took a moment to connect with her toddler and ask him how he was going to clean up the mess, she realized that he didn’t fully understand the consequences of spilling the milk everywhere and thought he could simply sweep the milk away. After Heather explained how he needed paper towels to clean up the milk and he helped in that process, she showed him to put his milk cup in the fridge instead to avoid the huge mess and cleanup, giving him the tools to be proactive and independent next time.

#2: Critical Thinking is Developing

As our toddlers continue to grow, they start to think for themselves and use logic and reasoning to try and solve their problems. As toddlers try to express themselves, their thoughts can sound like back-talking or trying to outsmart others. Parents have a tenancy to want to shut this type of questioning, reasoning behavior down so that the toddler accepts a parent’s decisions without question.

However, this is an area where we want our toddler to continue to grow and develop, not an area we want to shut down. We want our toddlers to be critical thinkers and problem solvers. Even though our toddler’s logic and reasoning might be simple and centered on themselves at first, if we can guide them, their skills will continue to grow and develop into mature critical thinking that will benefit them for the rest of their lives.

EXAMPLE

• Heather was setting limits for what was acceptable for one of her toddlers to play on at the playground, as there were structures that were too high or dangerous for him. Heather explained her boundary by saying that those parts of the playground were for big kids. He responded to her saying, “I want this to be for small kids. It’s for small kids. It’s for me.” He was trying to use logic to change the reality of the situation so that he could be included in play.

#3: Increase in Push Back

Around this age, toddlers begin to push back more often, asserting their autonomy and testing limits and boundaries as we saw above. They may say things like, “No,” “I don’t want to,” “I’m not going to do that,” and demand things be done their way.

At younger stages of toddlerhood, using redirection and distraction might have worked to diffuse these kinds of power struggles and push back, but because of their increase in mental skills, these tactics may not work anymore. Instead we can focus on guiding our toddlers and giving them more appropriate ways to disagree with us and make their opinions known.

EXAMPLE

• When our toddlers demand something we can show them how to ask calmly, instead of demanding. If we cannot give them what they have asked for, we can give them two alternate options instead, still giving them the opportunity to choose, but within our boundaries.

We can still maintain our authority AND give our toddlers choices. We want to see them and connect with them, understanding what motivates them and what they care, filling both their independence and attention buckets.

#4: Big Emotions

Tantrums and big emotions are hallmarks of this age. Depending on each toddler’s unique temperament traits and personality, their outbursts may be minimal or they be more intense. This can look like yelling, demanding, crying, thrashing, flopping, throwing objects, or kicking. Common triggers for these outburst are disappointment, not getting their way, frustration, having to wait, or having to share.

When faced with these intense toddler emotions, it is important that we remember that our job as parents is to guide our toddlers, teaching them how to handle their emotions appropriately and helping them regain calm. There are a things we can do even in the moment to help our toddlers regulate.

• Understanding and identifying emotions: We want to give our toddlers the space to express their emotions, name them, and understand what caused them. We can prompt them with a simple question or statement to help them in this process, like “It looks like you are frustrated. What happened?”
• Positive redirection: If our toddlers are expressing their emotions in aggressive ways like hitting, kicking, or screaming, we can redirect their energy to a positive outlet instead, teaching them how to blow off steam and cool down their emotions in a more appropriate way. We could show them how to kick a ball outside, clap their hands, or count to ten and breathe deeply.

Even though this is a tough time, it’s important not to shut down our toddler’s emotions. Children who are taught to suppress negative emotions can grow into adults who struggle to understand and manage their emotional life, affecting their social skills and relationships. We want to help our toddlers identify and express their emotions, releasing them in healthy ways instead of stuffing them down.

#5: The Toddler Reactivity Loop

When our toddlers don’t get their way or become frustrated, they can get stuck and in a repeated meltdown cycle that Heather calls the Toddler Reactivity Loop. Toddlers stuck in this loop are in an emotional rut and it can be very difficult to get them out. But often these reactivity loop meltdowns have triggers that are predictable if we can find the pattern. Whenever we notice our toddler getting stuck, we can make note of what happened to cause it.

Maybe our toddlers get stuck in this loop when we need them to get in their car seat. Or maybe our toddler screams every time we are on the phone. Whatever the trigger, once we can identify the pattern and see the circumstances around it, we can figure out how our own responses might be contributing and figure out how to get out of it.

#6: Big Changes

At this age, toddlers go through some big transitions and changes in their routine and environment as they continue to grow.

• Dropping the nap: Around the age of 3, and sometimes before, toddlers start to drop their nap. Sometimes this change in routine seems to come out of nowhere. One day they are napping for two to three hours and the next they have decided to give it up. During this transition, there will still be days where they do still take the nap and days where they skip it, so continuing to offer a rest time or quiet play time is important. During this transition, they may be more overtired which can lead to more night wakings and early mornings, but as their bodies adjust, these overtired symptoms will fade.
• Starting daycare or pre-school: Many toddlers start daycare or preschool at this age which is a big adjustment for both the parent and the child. The added excitement, fears, and stimulations of this big change in routine can lead to an increase in challenging behaviors such as tantrums, screaming, throwing, hitting, and having a harder time self-regulating. It can also throw naptime off leading to more tiredness, crankiness, and overwhelm.
• Potty training: Since birth toddlers they have always had a diaper, so saying goodbye to it and having to learn new bodily skills can be hard for them. Some toddlers embrace the process and the freedom and run with it while others take more time to adjust. Encourage the skills but try not to force them. Every child is different, showing readiness at different times and going at their own pace.
• Toddler bed transition: Around the age of three most toddlers are outgrowing their cribs and moving to bigger, more open toddler beds. Some toddlers may make this transition sooner if they can climb out of their crib and it becomes unsafe. With the increased freedom, naptime and bedtime may become new and exciting times to explore and test boundaries, so make sure the room is toddler proofed and that you are nearby to offer support and hold boundaries when necessary.

#7: Increase in Social Skills and Cooperative Play

Between 2½ and 3 ½ our toddlers will start developing more social skills and engaging in more cooperative play with peers and siblings. This can include sharing, turn-taking, and participating in more complex imaginary play.

EXAMPLES

• Turn taking and sharing games: Heather has noticed that her twins will sometimes give each other instructions on how to play, engaging the other in a specific game or activity, saying, “Come get the monkey!” or “Jump like this!” and taking turns.
• Pretend play: Her twins also love to engage in pretend play together like getting their favorite toys trucks and pretending that their trucks are stuck in the muck. They also play with animal figurines pretending that the animals are giving each other piggy back rides.
• Imagination: Toddlers at this age often love creating their own imaginary play worlds inside cozy spaces. Both Heather’s twins and my own boys have loved creating forts out of bins, pillows, and blankets or being under beds, tables, or in cozy corners to sit and daydream and make up their own imaginative play.
• Creativity: From made up songs to made up stories, both my boys and Heather’s twins’ creativity has blossomed at this age and the stories and song lyrics often change depending on what they are doing or playing with.
• Empathy: Around this age toddlers begin to show some understanding of the emotions of another person as their ability to empathize starts to grow. Heather noticed that if her toddlers hurt her on accident or on purpose and she expresses pain and sadness, they will give her hugs and kisses where before like had no emotional reaction at all.

This year of toddlerhood is full of growth, challenge, and changes. If you find yourself needing more parenting tools and support, sign up for the free Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Guide and Workshop here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting more tools along the way!