Where there are two or more children, twins, or siblings close in age, we will inevitably be faced with the challenges of competing needs.

When one toddler wants a comforting hug, help with a task, or just needs our attention, the other usually isn’t far behind. Maybe the baby is crying and needs to be rocked and fed, but the toddler needs help going potty and wants a snack too. It can feel overwhelming when multiple children are crying and need us all at the same time. How do we manage the constant feeling of being pulled in a million directions by so many different needs?

Heather has lived this push and pull with her own twin toddlers and describes some of these unique challenges as well as outlining some simple yet effective strategies to help us navigate the chaos, prioritize needs, and give our toddlers positive attention without getting stuck in a cycle of guilt and exhaustion.

**Listen to the full podcast episode here, or read on for the strategies!

The Challenges

Challenge #1: Double the Need for Comfort

With multiple young children, there are times when they are all upset and want our comfort and support at the same time.

EXAMPLE

• One toddler may be crying because he tripped and hurt himself while the other is upset because the tower she was building collapsed before she was finished. They are both crying and running to you wanting a hug and solutions to their problems.

When we are dealing with multiple hurt feelings, tantrums, frustrations, and accidents, and we have one toddler clinging to our leg and another pulling on our arm, all the noise and needs can be overwhelming and overstimulating, making this aspect of parenting multiple children daunting and exhausting.

Challenge #2: Sibling Amplification

One toddler’s emotional outburst can sometime set a sibling off, sending them both into emotional spirals. This continual feeding off of each other’s emotions is what Heather calls sibling amplification.

Sibling amplification can happen when both toddlers are upset at the same time and continue to cry louder and longer because the other is crying too, but it can also happen when only one toddler is initially upset, but their crying triggers another child who was previously calm, and that child joins the chorus of crying.

EXAMPLES

• I’ve seen this with my three boys where one can be frustrated by a sibling’s cry, sending him into a violent outburst, while another can be triggered by seeing me hold and comfort a sibling, causing him to get upset and want me to hold him instead.

• Heather has seen this with her twins as well, especially when they are both overtired and thus prone to getting triggered into meltdown mode much more easily. When one toddler is upset—crying, screaming, or getting physical (throwing, hitting, or grabbing)—it can be overstimulating to the other toddler making that toddler join the sibling in the tantrum or behavior.

In addition to over-tiredness and over-stimulation, sibling amplification can be triggered by sharing and turn taking. While sharing and turn taking apply to toys during play time, they also apply to you, the parent. Your children all have to share your time and attention and it can be difficult for them to understand why you cannot always help or comfort them right away. Twins and siblings close in age may have a built in playmate, but because they are in the middle of learning important social skills like sharing, they inevitably will get into many conflicts which can be tricky to navigate.

Challenge #3: Maintaining Boundaries

Maintaining boundaries with multiple children can be very challenging, especially when it comes to holding boundaries around physical aggression.

EXAMPLE

• When one child has upset the other, either by destroying something the other had built, pushing their sibling’s buttons, or hurting the other, we need to step in to comfort the upset child while also keeping the other from continuing in their aggressive or button pushing behavior.

It is tricky to know which child to prioritize in these moments of conflict when we naturally want to check on the hurt child but also know that boundaries are more effective when enacted immediately.

Challenge #4: Different Temperaments

Depending on each toddler’s unique personality, their emotional needs can vary, leading them to need different types or amounts of comfort compared to their siblings. Even identical twins, like Heather’s, can have distinct needs and personalities.

EXAMPLES

• One child might be more strong willed and independent while another is more emotional and clingy.
• Where one sibling is more high energy and outgoing, another may be more laid back and introverted.
• One might respond well to verbal comfort while another needs a lot of physical support when upset.
• One toddler may find comfort and security in a regimented routine while another wants flexibility and thrives on a change in routine every once in a while.
• One may exhibit more attention-seeking behavior where any attention from a parent, even negative attention, fuels their behavior while another may be more naturally quick to comply to avoid negative attention.

The Strategies

Figuring out how best to handle the chaos of multiple competing needs and different personalities is not easy, but here are some simple strategies that you can implement that may help you find some peace in and outside of those moments of chaos.

Strategy #1: Verbal Reassurance

When we have to prioritize one child’s need for comfort or help over another’s, we can give the child who has to wait our verbal reassurance that we will be there to comfort and help them soon too.

EXAMPLE

You are in the middle of changing and putting a sibling down for a nap and the other runs in crying because she cannot find a piece of the puzzle she was working on.

• Acknowledge that child’s reason for being upset so she knows you heard and understood her: “I’m so sorry that you can’t find the last piece! That is frustrating!”
• Assure the child that you will help them as soon as you can: “I will help you find the missing piece in five minutes. I need to finish helping your brother and then I will help you too!”
• You can then either try to divert attention to something else while she has to wait or continue to have a conversation, trying to cheer her up while you meet the need of the other child.

The child who has to wait may still be upset about not getting their need met immediately, but they will know that you heard them, you care about their need too, and that you will be there to help them as soon as you are able.

Strategy #2: Group Comfort

When possible, if two siblings are upset at the same time, you can offer comfort to both so neither has to wait. This can look like a group hug, both toddlers sitting in your lap (maybe one on each leg), or one toddler on each side of you having one of your arms around them.

Like any other strategy, it is important to know in what situations group comfort may work well and what situations you would need to prioritize needs instead. For example, you might not want to offer group comfort if your children are upset at each other and being aggressive as they may end up fighting over your lap and continue to hurt each other and you.

In moments when you want to offer group comfort make sure that

1. Your children understand up front that they are going to share you this time and make that sharing experience as positive as you can with lots of praise.
2. Set clear expectations, letting them know exactly what sharing you is going to look like. If they are able to make a decision in that moment you can also give them the options and let them choose which one they would like best. You can also offer taking turns getting quick hugs from you, turning their need into a game, which may lighten the mood.

Strategy #3: Assigning Tasks

When our children have to wait for their needs to be met, sometimes giving them something else to do can help them go from inaction to action, getting their minds off of how hard it is to wait. More specifically, Heather talks about giving our toddlers a helper role.

Part of why giving our toddlers helper roles can work so well is that they naturally love to help us with tasks. From copying us cook and clean to caring for a baby doll or stuffed animal, they often will enthusiastically join us in our tasks if we invite them in. They might not be competent or independent, but because we see their efforts, our toddlers receive a lot of praise and positive attention when they help us. Asking your toddler to help you with something can also be a good way to give that toddler time with you if they need some time away from a sibling for a moment.

EXAMPLES

• In the previous example of a toddler wanting help finding a puzzle piece in the middle of the naptime routine for her brother, you could give your toddler a helper task by asking if she wants to join in helping with the naptime routine while she waits for you to help her. Maybe she can get a clean diaper, put a dirty one in the trash, or pick the book to read or song to sing.

• If two siblings are being overstimulated by each other and getting upset, you can assign one of them a task to help you with. Maybe you can invite them to help you switch over a load of laundry, wash some dishes with you, help you cook, or vacuum. Because one of my boys is more clingy while the other is more independent, I often use this strategy to give my more clingy toddler a way to be with me while also giving his brother space.

Strategy #4: One-On-One Time

When we are in the thick of parenting multiple children, whether they are twins, multiples, or toddlers close in age, it can be important to carve out special moments to spend with each child one-on-one. These moments can be as simple as ten minutes of undivided attention during a bedtime routine or as big as a special mom-and-me outing, but any time you can be fully present with one child at a time can go a long way in filling that child’s attention bucket and growing your relationship.

EXAMPLES

• You can set up an independent activity for one child while you read a book or do a special activity with another child, and after a while you switch.

• Once a week you can have the other parent or a family member or babysitter watch one toddler so that you can take the other out for special one-on-one time with you. However many children you have, you can have them take turns, rotating that time with you each week.

Parent Guilt and Survival Mode

If being able to spend one-on-one time with one of your toddlers sounds like a nice thought but an impossible one, you are not alone. When one of our toddlers is more clingy and has a hard time separating from us, leaving that child in another’s care can be stressful for them and for us, leading to parent guilt and anxiety.

Heather experienced this with one of her toddlers at one point but with time and practice building positive experiences, her once extremely clingy toddler is now much more comfortable with other caretakers and separating is not as stressful as it used to be.

When we are in the middle of those hard moments with needy toddlers with such different personalities, strengths, and weaknesses, it can be easy to feel burnt out and in survival mode. If you find yourself needing more parenting tools and support, sign up for the free Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Guide and Workshop here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting more tools along the way!