Navigating toddler tantrums at home is challenging for any parent, but when tantrums happen in public we not only have to deal with the behavior but also the feeling of all eyes on us as our parenting is on display. When our child falls to the floor crying in the grocery store checkout line because she can’t have the candy bar she wants, it is easy to feel like everyone is judging our every move. How can we manage both ourselves and our toddlers in the middle of these stressful moments?

When dealing with public tantrums, Heather draws our attention to the fact that many tantrums are predictable once we understand what triggers them. If we can identify the triggers and find the pattern, we can plan ahead for these tantrums and be better prepared with quick solutions or to calmly hold boundaries in the moment.

**Listen to the full podcast episode here, or read on for the tips!

Understanding Our Toddler’s Triggers

Knowing the main underlying needs that drive much of our toddlers’ behavioral patterns is key as we seek to proactively prepare for predictable tantrums. Maybe your toddler is more emotionally and physically sensitive and triggered by rough play, loud noises, or intense emotions. Maybe your toddler is more strong willed and independent and triggered by not getting his way.

Understanding our toddlers’ triggers helps us see that they are often not trying to be difficult or give us a hard time, but are having a hard time with something, from disappointment and overstimulation to missing skills.

Observing these types of traits in our toddlers can help us not only anticipate a tantrum, but take actions to avoid the tantrum altogether. We can offer connection, choices, a break from activities, or provide modifications to the environment. When we see our toddler’s difficult behavior as a cry for a need to be addressed, it helps us not take the behavior personally and respond to the need rather than react to the emotion.

Tantrums Triggered by Sensory Overwhelm

One of Heather’s twin toddlers is more on the sensitive side, especially when it comes to sensory stimulation. He is sensitive to loud noises and the way things feel on his hands and on his feet. These sensitivities started triggering more major tantrums around the age of two, which is definitely common.

EXAMPLES

A few experiences that triggered Heather’s sensitive toddler while out on vacation.

• Loud, unfamiliar noises: A loud vacuum and a new drain in the bathtub set him off.
• Sensory surprise: While at a water park, a large barrel of water came crashing down right beside her toddler and he got really overwhelmed and upset. He was not able to recover and they decided to leave the water park early, which is really what he needed as he was overstimulated and overtired. They were able to come back later on and end the day at the waterpark on a positive note.
• The unknown: At an amusement park they were all on a boat ride. Her sensitive toddler was initially excited to go on the ride, but as it started to go he realized that he did not know when the ride was going to end. He went from beaming, to concerned, to crying, to a full on tantrum. Thankfully, he was able to recover quickly after Heather comforted him and then the ride was over.

Being Prepared

When tantrums are predictable, it is good to plan ahead and be prepared for different situations that would trigger a tantrum so you have a plan to support and guide your toddler through these challenges or prevent them in the first place.

EXAMPLES

• Snacks and down time: Toddlers who are hungry, over tired, and overstimulated are more likely to be triggered into meltdown mode. Having snacks on hand, plenty of water, and a plan to retreat to a quiet spot if things get overwhelming is a good way to be prepared.
• Modifying the environment: For sensory toddlers, have water shoes for the beach if the sand may be an issue, sunglasses, a hat, or pop up shade if it is too bright.
• Prepping your toddler: Prepping your toddler as much as you can ahead of time by walking them through events and scenarios can help them be less overwhelmed and help them know what to expect.

The Importance of Opportunities

Even when we can see the possibility of a tantrum being triggered by certain experiences, it is important to continue to offer those experiences instead of avoiding them altogether, because our toddlers will often surprise us. When we hope for the best and come prepared with an exit strategy and modification, being truly okay if things don’t work out or if our toddler says no, it takes the pressure off of us and our toddler making the whole experience more enjoyable.

EXAMPLES

• While at a natural beach, Heather expected her sensitive toddler to be bothered by the rough sand and the slimy seaweed on his feet, so she brought water shoes for him, but he ended up not being bothered at all and not needing the shoes.
• Heather was not sure her toddlers would want to get on a boat at the beach, but she offered the experience and they ended up wanting to go for a ride and loved the experience.

Tantrums Triggered by Not Being in Control

Heather’s other twin toddler is high on the attention seeking scale, tending to push people’s buttons just to get a reaction as well as engaging in power struggles over wanting his own way. Around the age of three he became in need of way more physical attention, like cuddles and being held. He has the desire to be in control and be the center of attention.

On the trip, he was in need of more attention and reassurance than usual and his tantrums were often triggered when he either did not feel secure and comforted or was told no and did not get his way.

EXAMPLES

• Separation anxiety: Getting upset when Heather would leave the room, not feeling secure enough, or worried that he could lose her.
• Safety boundary being held: At one point, Heather did not want him walking through a busy parking lot, so she told them he needed to ride in the wagon instead. He really wanted to walk and hold her hand, telling her he could do it, but she held the boundary, telling him that it wasn’t safe to walk. He was very upset about not getting to have his way, but he was able to recover after ten minutes or so.

While there is a way for us to let our toddlers have their way where we’re really in control—offering predetermined choices for example—sometimes we do have to make that final decision, especially when it comes to safety, and that may lead to a tantrum. When our toddlers can’t get their way, it is important to stay calm and hold the boundary, offering comfort and other choices when you are able.

Connection over Correction

There could have been many more power struggles with her toddler, but Heather made a conscious decision to connect over correct while on their trip.

EXAMPLE

• The situation: One of the ways that Heather decided to connect over correct while on vacation was to reevaluate their sleep situation. The first night of the trip her twins were not comfortable in the toddler blow up beds they had for them and kept on getting in bed with her.
• The connection: Instead of getting into the correction power struggle of keeping them in the blow up beds at night and being woken up in the middle of the night, Heather chose the connection of letting her toddlers sleep in the big bed with her.
• The results: As a result, everyone got better sleep on the trip and Heather really enjoyed the special connecting moments that they had all going to bed together. The power struggles and lack of sleep that might have come with enforcing the bed boundary just wasn’t worth it in that moment. Heather decided to choose special moments over normal routines, knowing that they would get back to their usual rhythms when they got home.

Whether our toddlers are triggered by environmental factors we cannot control or by the decisions we make because we are in control, knowing our toddlers predictable tantrum patterns helps us plan ahead, stay calm, and meet them where they are.

If you find yourself needing more parenting tools and support, sign up for the free Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Guide and Workshop here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting more tools along the way!