There are two types of tantrums, the ones that we see coming from a mile away and the ones that seem to come out of nowhere. The tantrums that we can predict are challenging to work through, but at least we can prepare for them ahead of time. Tantrums that erupt unexpectedly, though, catch us off guard and are incredibly difficult and exhausting, leaving us frustrated and at our wits end.

Heather knows these feelings too well and has identified three root causes of unexpected tantrums so that we can look for the signs and understand what’s going on beneath the surface. She also shares a few ways to help manage the stress of these surprise tantrums so that we can work through them with our toddlers and thrive on the other side.

**Listen to the full podcast episode here, or read on for the tips!

Using Simple Solutions to Diffuse Tantrums

Sometimes a simple solution can address a seemingly complex tantrum, but it can be hard to think critically and apply solutions in the heat of an unexpected tantrum. Looking back, after everyone is calm, it might seem so obvious, but when all eyes are on us and we feel the pressure, our minds can go blank.

EXAMPLE

• Seaweed Feet Tantrum: While at a beach during summer vacation, one of Heather’s twins erupted in a surprise tantrum over seeing seaweed all over the sand and not wanting to walk on it. He had just been in the ocean playing and was making his way back in when he started melting down. It took Heather by surprise since he had just been playing in the water and the seaweed all around hadn’t seemed to bother him until that moment. He was so upset that he was unable to recover easily so they ended up packing up and leaving the beach earlier than they had planned.
• Simple Solution: After they had left, Heather realized that she had water shoes that she could have offered her son that may have helped solve the problem. Because he is not usually her toddler with sensory struggles, she didn’t think of that solution in the moment.

Thrive, Not Just Survive

When tantrums catch us off-guard, we can get caught up in just trying to survive the tantrum that we forget to use simple calming strategies that will not only help us survive, but also thrive on the other side.

• Calming Strategies: As a tantrum is starting and we feel our stress levels start to rise, we can pause and take a few deep breaths before we begin to respond. Sometimes I even hum a tune and remind myself that I can be calm even when my toddler isn’t. These strategies can help us think more clearly as we figure out how to approach our upset toddler.

Understanding the Root Cause of the Tantrum

Unexpected tantrums can be so challenging partly because they seem to be randomly triggered by something that usually is not an issue. Our toddler might normally love having his juice in a certain cup, but on one occasion he asks for juice and has a meltdown when we bring him that same cup. Because of this, it can be easy for us to get sidetracked by thinking that the tantrum is over one thing, the cup, when it might actually be fueled by a deeper need that our toddler is not be able to express.

If we can get to the root cause of the tantrum, instead of being caught in the frustration of the surface problem, we can find the solution that will actually meet the need of our toddler. Heather has identified three potential root causes of these surprise tantrums that we can look for as we seek to understand what’s really going on under the surface.

Root Cause #1. Basic Needs

Out in public, it can be hard for us remember to address our toddler’s basic needs for rest, food, and water, and it can be hard to meet these needs even when we are aware of them.

Sometimes we are trying to run errands quickly, are socializing, or get caught up in doing the things we need to do and we forget to check in with our toddler. Sometimes we are checking in with our toddlers but they are the ones caught up in play and not wanting to stop to ask for or address basic needs. Because of this, basic needs can build up and explode over something that seems minor but happened to be the last straw.

When our toddlers are under stress the logic center of the brain shuts down so they communicate more with their behavior and emotions than with their words. The toddler having a meltdown over the cup he usually loves might be tired because he didn’t get enough sleep the night before and he is unable in that moment to put words to that reality.

EXAMPLE

The Water Bottle Tantrum

• The situation: On another occasion at a beach, one of Heather’s twins started throwing beach toys around and getting upset.
• The assumption: Because he was throwing his toys, Heather thought that he was frustrated by one of his toys. As a parent, it is easy to ask too many questions when our toddlers are upset, like, “What’s wrong with the toy?” “Why are you throwing it?” and “Why can’t you just play nicely?”
• The underlying need: After her initial interventions were not helping her toddler, Heather realized that he might have gotten too thirsty playing out in the sun and water. His water bottle was in the cooler instead of out where he could see it and remember to ask for it. Heather had been prompting him to drink every so often, but he had been so busy playing that he had not wanted to.
• The solution: Once Heather gave her toddler a cold water bottle two things happened:
  • The cold feeling of the water bottle helped calm him because it was a change in temperature sensory experience,
  • He got to drink water so he no longer was feeling the uncomfortable sensation of thirst.

Our bodily needs and emotional state are so interconnected that when one is off it can negatively affect the other. When Heather’s toddler got too thirsty, his body was under stress which put his emotions under stress. As adults, we know what this feels like. When we don’t get enough sleep, are stressed, sick, or hungry, we can become much more easily upset by little things that don’t go our way. We may be more prone to snapping at the kids or at our spouse even when we know we shouldn’t. If unmet basic needs affect our emotions, they affect our toddler’s emotions too.

Root Cause #2. Miscommunication and Misunderstanding

Our toddlers are learning about the world around them and are often not familiar with social norms and certain words and concepts until they encounter them or we explain them. This is especially true in public settings where they are encountering many things outside of the norms of the home for the first time. Because of their limited communication skills, they will sometimes not be able to ask for something they need, like in the previous example, or will ask for something that they don’t fully understand. These miscommunications and misunderstandings can lead to tantrums.

EXAMPLE

The Salt Shaker Tantrum

• The situation: While out at a restaurant, one of Heather’s toddlers had a meltdown over wanting the clear salt shaker on the table because he thought that is was a glass full of milk. Heather tried to explain to him that the white stuff inside the glass was salt, not milk, but he didn’t really know what salt was. He was sure that it was milk and would not be convinced otherwise. Heather tried to assure him that his milk was coming, but having to wait when he thought that milk was right in front of him was sending him into meltdown mode. Finally his milk arrived and he calmed down, but he drank it quickly and as soon as it was gone he wanted more, so he went right back to being upset again.
• The solution: Heather did what she could to help him, trying to distract him and hold him, but she eventually had to take him out of the restaurant to calm down outside, away from the salt shaker that was the source of his misunderstanding and upset.

Sometimes the only thing we can do in the middle of a public tantrum over a misunderstanding like this is to remove our toddlers from the scene, abandoning the shopping cart, the restaurant, or the crowd, getting some fresh air, and finding a quiet spot to help them regain calm.

Root Cause #3. Overstimulation

When out at an event or crowded park, our toddlers might get overstimulated and overwhelmed more easily than we realize, leading to an increased chance for tantrums.

EXAMPLE

The Fireworks Event Tantrum

• The situation: On the 4^th of July Heather and her family went to a big fireworks event where there were tons of kids activities like arcade games and bounce houses. Her boys ran around enjoying all the sights and had so much fun, but they were taking in so much noise and visual stimuli that they got overwhelmed and started to spiral into tantrum mode.
• The trigger: There was an incident in the bounce house where her toddlers got stuck inside because some kids were blocking the exit. They were really upset about not being able to get out and Heather had to eventually go in and help them out. They then quickly calmed down, but after that experience they kept being set off by different things around them.
• The solution: Heather knew that they needed some time to cool down, calm down, rest, and reset.
  • She pulled them aside to a quiet spot and got out some glow sticks and glow wands that they had and just sat and looked at the colors for a little while. This helped her toddlers regulate themselves again.

Public tantrums can be so stressful for us and for our toddlers when we are stuck worrying about what others are thinking, but if we can focus on what’s really going on with our toddlers, we will have a better understanding of what we can do to help. Whether they need a simple solution, have an unmet basic need, or just need a moment away from the crowd, we will be better equipped to stay calm and help our toddlers regain their calm too.

If you find yourself needing more parenting tools and support, sign up for the free Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Guide and Workshop here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting more tools along the way!