The holidays can be a magical time full of family traditions, memories, and fun, but they can also be a stressful time, especially if you find yourself navigating social pressures that are placed on you and your toddler.

Heather has been there herself and has come up with some simple pocket phrases to help you set clear, but kind, boundaries with family members to combat the stress of the holiday expectations and bring joy back to this season.

**Listen to the full podcast episode here, or read on for the tips!

Holiday Hurdle: Lack of Sleep

A big behind the scenes reason that navigating the holidays can be so tricky for families with toddlers is that everyone in the family is often getting less sleep than usual.

Maybe you are traveling for the holidays, are staying with family and your toddler is in an unfamiliar sleep environment, or you are staying out late for family dinners, parties, and traditions. When toddlers miss naps or are up passed normal bedtimes, they can become overtired and overstimulated, making them even more prone to waking often in the night. When routines are thrown off, that is not only hard for the toddler, but for the parents as well.

Social Pressures

You might be feeling social pressures around the holidays if family members have certain expectations that they want you or your toddler to perform, like hugging relatives or participating in all the family activities.

Even when some of these expectations make you or your toddler uncomfortable or are unsafe for your toddler, it can be hard to say no and feel like you have to defend your decisions. Maybe you feel you are being judged or letting everyone down. When you are under so much pressure in the moment, it is hard to know what to do and say, especially if you are also operating on a lack of sleep. It is important, then, that we decide what social expectations are reasonable for us and for our toddler before the holidays and plan out what we can say to others to keep the peace and stand our ground.

This is where Heather has come up with what she calls pocket phrases, simple, pre-thought out scripts that set clear boundaries without being confrontational. The phrases she gives are examples of things you can say, but it is important that you tailor the phrases to you, making sure that what you plan to say aligns with your parenting values and personality. These pocket phrases can be great ways to reduce conflict with family around the holidays and turn those stressful moments into moments of calm confidence.

Social Pressure #1: Personal Space Invasion

• Example: A family member is expecting a hug from your toddler, but your toddler does not want to give one, not feeling comfortable with the interaction either because he doesn’t know the family member that well, is overstimulated, or is tired.
• Pocket Phrase: You could say something like, “We are teaching him about personal space. He doesn’t want to hug right now, but we can wave!”
  • Offering family members other ways to interact with your toddler that are comfortable for him will help keep interactions positive. Other alternatives to hugging include high fives, fist bumps, or blowing kisses.
  • If your toddler does join in the alternative, offer praise, but if he still does not want to interact, it’s best not to force it.

Social Pressure #2: Insistence on Participating in Activities

• Example: Maybe a family member is wanting your toddler to participate in an activity that is not age appropriate or that she is just not interested in. Your toddler might need to just watch or might need time to warm up to the environment before jumping in.
• Pocket Phrase: You could say, “She is happy just watching for now. She’ll join when she is ready.”

Social Pressure #3: Feeding your Toddler Unfamiliar or Unsafe Foods

• Example: Sometimes family members or other kids don’t know what is age appropriate or what is unsafe for a toddler to eat.
  • Food hazards: Whole grapes, nuts, hard candies, raw carrots, and popcorn.
  • Safe Foods: You can modify some foods to be more safe, like cutting grapes into quarters or cutting carrots into thin strips. Safe foods can also be foods that you know your toddler will eat, things that that are familiar with or that they might try and like. For example, if your toddler already likes green beans, you can offer for her to try green bean casserole.
• Pocket Phrase: “We are sticking to her usual snacks. Thanks for understanding.”

Social Pressure #4: Overwhelming your Toddler with Attention

• Example: Many family members are crowding around your toddlers wanting to say hello and interact, but your toddlers are overwhelmed, feeling stared at and touched out.
• Pocket Phrase: “Let’s give them space for a minute. Big groups are overwhelming. They need time to warm up.”

Social Pressure #5: Not Respecting your Toddlers Schedule

• Example: Your toddler is hungry but a family member is telling him that he will spoil his dinner if he has a snack right then. However, you know the meal is running late and your toddler will not be able to happily wait that long without a snack.
• Pocket Phrase: “He needs to eat at regular times to stay happy.”

Social Pressure #6: Questioning your Parenting Choices

• Example: A family member is offering unsolicited advice or comments on your parenting style.
  • When her twins were young toddlers, Heather decided to put up a felt tree on the wall instead of a real one. Her toddlers were going through a very physical stage at the time, grabbing, pulling, and bumping into things constantly. The idea of a regular tree was very stressful. A family member, who they didn’t see often, visited during the Christmas season and told her that she should have just put up a regular tree and it would have been fine.
• Pocket Phrase: “We found a system that works for us. Thanks for understanding.”
  • If you keep your explanation minimal, focused on what works for your family, no one can really argue with you. At the end of the day, you know your family dynamic and needs best and are the most equipped to make final decisions, not a family member who doesn’t see your daily life. So you can be confident in your decisions and let other people think what they are going to think.

Social Pressure #7: Encouraging Risky Play

• Example: A family member is playing too rough with your toddler, throwing him up in the air or pulling him too hard in a game of chase. If you feel uncomfortable with the way family member is handling your toddler, or your toddler is upset, you should intervene.
• Pocket Phrase: “We are keeping playtime safe and fun for toddlers. So let’s choose another activity,” OR “I’ll take him.”

Social Pressure #8: Giving Gifts Without Consultation

• Example: Your toddler might be given gifts that are not age appropriate or are unsafe. Toys with too many small parts can be a choking hazard and not developmentally appropriate. After you open the gift, you can set it aside for later to play with when your toddler is ready for it, or only play with the toy under supervision. Don’t feel guilty about having boundaries, especially when safety is a concern. Many family members will understand.
• Pocket Phrase: “This looks fun! We are going to play with it later.”

Top Tips

1. When it comes to dealing with different sides of the family, have each spouse communicate with their own side of the family so that neither spouse is perceived as coming in between the other spouse and the their family.
   • Example: If you have a boundary that you need to set with your side of the family, you be the one to communicate it. If a boundary needs to be set with the other side of the family, let your spouse take care of it.
2. It’s okay to say no to things. Advocate for yourself and your kids needs. You know what would and would not be good for your own family.
3. Be on the same page with your spouse. Your spouse is on your team and can be there to support you in the moment when certain decisions need to be made. Talk about the issues before hand and formulate a plan for how to handle them. Agree on your family boundaries, what works for your schedules, and what you are comfortable with as a family.

Hopefully these examples and pocket phrases help give you a clearer picture of how to navigate tricky family interactions around the holidays, turning stormy seas into smooth sailing. If you find yourself needing more parenting tools and support, sign up for the free Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Guide and Workshop here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting tools along the way.