Most parents want their toddlers to listen more and tantrum less, but they often have very different ideas of how to reach these goals. Because Heather is very passionate about helping parents, grandparents, caretakers, and teachers support their toddlers listening and emotional regulation skills, she has heard many misconceptions about toddler development and abilities. She discusses four of these misconceptions and breaks them down, identifying the two opposing camps they fall into.

**Listen to the full podcast episode here, or read on for the insights!

When Parents and Toddlers Struggle

When a parent is struggling with a toddler who won’t listen and tantrums over everything, that parent may get a lot of unsolicited advice, some helpful and some not so helpful. It’s important to remember that no one is in exactly your shoes when it comes to parenting your unique toddler. Some toddlers with independent, strong willed personalities will struggle to listen and follow directions more than other toddlers with different dominant traits. This is why it’s so important to understand your toddlers’ personality traits and underlying needs.

Though we know that tantrums are developmentally normal in toddlers and are even a milestone and sign of healthy development, that fact doesn’t meant that there is nothing we can do to lessen the intensity and amount of our toddler’s tantrums. While some tantrums are unavoidable, others are and it’s important that we recognize that we can teach our toddlers certain skills that will help them recover from tantrums faster and avoid some tantrums all together.

Camp 1: Let Kids be Kids

The first two misconceptions fall under the camp of letting kids be kids. Those in this camp tend to cite normal toddler development as a reason to not intervene to guide and teach them. Because children naturally mature at their own pace, they should be left alone and not be made to learn adult or life skills.

Though there is truth to understanding and respecting our toddlers’ development, this camp does not acknowledge that toddlers are capable of learning and setting foundations for life skills early on, and that this often gives them more freedom in their childhood, not less.

Misconception #1: That getting your toddler to listen is forcing compliance

When some people hear “help toddlers listen more” they automatically think that adults are going to be controlling, forcing toddlers to comply with everything they say. This, however, is not at all what Heather means when she wants to help toddlers listen more.

Whispering Their Language

Heather’s framework is not about compliance, and the methods that she uses do not include force. Getting a toddler to listen is about whispering their language so that they want to come close and hear, not about shouting from across the room. Whispering our toddler’s language is not just about talking to them calmly and quietly, though that can definitely be part of it, but it is also about understanding who they are and how they communicate so that we speak to them in a way they will understand.

When our toddlers see that we want to understand them, they feel loved and can learn how to ask more clearly for their deeper needs to be met. Maybe your toddler is whining and grunting at every request, but once you get down at their level, offer a hug or ask what’s wrong and connect with them, they are able to hear your request and follow through when they were not able before. When we whisper our toddlers’ language, our toddler and our home is much more at peace.

Misconception #2: Getting kids to listen is not letting kids be kids

When we work on listening skills and emotional regulation with our toddlers, some may say that we are taking the fun out of their childhood, that we are trying to force them to mature too fast and not letting them just be kids. They say that kids naturally want to go their own way in their own little worlds and we should just let them be. They developmentally throw tantrums over every little thing, that’s normal, you don’t need to do anything about it because they will grow out of it eventually.

Having Appropriate Expectations

Though these things are true, and we should respect where our toddlers are developmentally, our understanding of their development should help us meet them where they are with appropriate expectations, instead of having no expectations at all. Though our toddlers do often live in their own worlds, we want to help them respect the boundaries of this world when appropriate, especially when it comes to safety. Knowing they will want to test those boundaries helps us be present and be their safety net when they are not able to comply. As they grow and mature, they will internalize these boundaries and the times we have to be the boundary for them will slowly decrease.

More Freedom in Childhood

Similarly, helping them understand and regulate their own emotions early on sets a foundation for healthy emotional growth as they mature. As they practice skills, they will be able to apply them slowly on their own and be the boss of their own emotions instead of feeling helpless and overpowered by them.

When we help our toddlers develop habits of listening and emotionally regulating their own emotions, we are giving them more freedom in their childhood, not less. When they can respect safety boundaries as they play, we can give them more freedom in their play, more freedom to explore. When they are more emotionally resilient, can tolerate small frustrations and work through steps to calm down through big ones, they will have more opportunities for fun opened up to them, not less.

Camp 2: Children Should Know Better

The next two misconceptions fall into the camp that believes that children are very capable and do understand boundaries and rules, and because of this understanding they should know better than to throw tantrums and not listen. This camp swings to the opposite extreme where instead of having no control over their own development, toddlers have complete control and are viewed more as tiny adults rather than still developing children.

Misconception #3: Kids should be able to listen because they have no other responsibilities

A common misconception from this side is that kids have an easy life with little to no responsibilities, so the least they should be able to do is listen and follow instructions. Because listening and following through is relatively easy for adults, they assume it should be easy for children.

The Hidden Expectations of Toddler Development

However, this assumption misses the huge amount of change and growth a child is going through in the toddler years, and the many responsibilities and expectations that we actually do put on them as they are learning and growing at a rapid pace.

EXAMPLE: Some of the changes your toddler might be going through.

• Developmental changes
• Growth changes
• Changes in sibling dynamics
• Changes with where they’re going during the day
  • Starting preschool
  • Having a babysitter or nanny
  • Taking mommy and me classes
  • Going to a grandparents house often

In the middle of all of these internal and external changes we often just assume that our toddlers will be okay, but transitions are really hard for toddlers and we can put a lot of pressure on them when we expect them to listen perfectly at all times or just be fine with big transitions because we think they don’t have responsibilities.

Misconception #4: Because toddlers can understand rules, they should be able to always follow through

Some people say that their toddlers know the rules because they can list them off and, since they know them, they should be able to keep them. We need to remember, though, that even if our toddlers know all the rules and can repeat them back to us, they do not have the mature impulse control that we have as adults.

Even adults who know certain rules have a hard time actually following through and having self-control. If we know that adults struggle with applying their own understanding to their will, we should expect toddlers to have an even harder time because they are still developing. We should not be holding toddlers to even higher standards of rule following than adults.

The Goal: Find the Middle Ground

Both of these camps and their misconceptions are at opposite ends of the spectrum of how parents should approach their toddlers’ behavior. The first camp errs on the side of being too permissive, leaving toddlers alone to develop with little to no intervention. The second camp falls into being too authoritarian, having unrealistic expectations that toddlers should act like adults. Though these are opposite approaches, they actually share something in common: not giving toddlers the skills that are within their grasp to help them listen more and tantrum less.

We want to find the middle ground, that center piece of the Venn diagram, where we both acknowledge our toddlers developmental stage AND support them in learning life skills, balancing appropriately high expectations with lots of grace and understanding. That is where our toddlers will experience the most growth, freedom, and connection.

If you are ready to find that middle ground, but need more parenting tools and support, sign up for the free Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Guide and Workshop here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting tools along the way.