Parents hear from all around them that their toddlers need boundaries to stop unwanted behavior, but what can we do when the standard advice for implementing boundaries does not seem to work? Maybe your toddler is engaging in an aggressive behavior like hitting and you have tried all the redirections and boundary holding scripts, but your toddler continues to hit and even seems to engage in it more and more often. Are there more ways to hold boundaries than the typical standard advice?

Heather explains that, while holding boundaries in the traditional way is needed, it should not be the only tool we use to influence our toddler’s behavior, especially if it seems to backfire. Heather walks us through understanding boundaries and why our toddlers test them, how this behavior can escalate, and lays out five common pitfalls of standard boundary advice and how we can avoid them.

**Listen to the full podcast episode here, or read on for the tips!

**Also, check out this podcast episode, Toddler Boundaries and Power Struggles!

Understanding Boundaries

Boundaries are actions that we take as the parent to uphold a limit, value, or rule. A limit is a statement like “we don’t hit,” and the boundary is what we do see that rule through. Boundaries are not actions other people do, but actions that we take.

EXAMPLES

• “I can’t let you hit. (Limit) I’m going to hold your hand to help you stop.” (Boundary)
• “We don’t hit. (Limit) I’m going to move you over here until you’re ready to be gentle.” (Boundary)

Why Toddlers Test Boundaries

Toddlers often test boundaries because they are wired to as part of their natural development. Heather uses a map analogy to help explain this reality. Just like we check a map to see where we are and make sure we know where we are going, our toddlers test boundaries to understand the landscape of rules and expectations around them and see where they are in relation to them. They are like little scientists always testing where our boundaries actually are by seeing if we follow through with what we say.

There are also other reasons that our toddlers test our boundaries in addition to their developmental stage.

• Seeking autonomy and independence: Toddlers are often looking for ways to assert their own wills.
• Limited communication skills: Sometimes toddlers test boundaries because they don’t have communication skills to ask for what they really need.
• Seeking attention and learned repeated patterns: Does your toddler get a lot of attention from you or others when they push boundaries? This can become a pattern that triggers them to continue the behavior just for attention, even if that attention is negative.
• Behavior amplification: This can happen when there are two or more toddlers involved in a behavior or are competing for your attention. The toddlers can feed off of the other’s energy and continue to try to outdo each other.
• Transitions: Switching from one activity to another can be very difficult for toddlers, especially if it involves stopping an activity they love to do something they do not prefer, like having to stop playing to get ready for bed or having to leave the park.
• Over stimulation and overwhelm: If toddlers are overstimulated, overwhelmed, and overtired or hungry, they are much more likely to push boundaries.
• Boredom and lack of structure: Your toddler might test boundaries because they don’t have anything else to do and need something fun to look forward to or more structure in their day.

These are all things that can trigger our toddler to test boundaries, but we also need to be aware that our toddler’s behavior can escalate to a point that is beyond the typical boundary testing of a toddler. If this is happening, we might need to dig deeper and implement some new strategies with our toddler.

Hear are some warning signs that boundaries might not be working:

• There is an increase in aggressive behavior
• You are starting to see some safety concerns with your toddler’s behavior
• The behavior is happening more frequently
• The behavior is happening for longer periods of time
• Dealing with the behavior is taking an emotional and physical toll on parents and the siblings in the family

5 Common Boundary Pitfalls

Pitfall #1: Boundaries Have You Playing Goalie All Day

If we feel like we are constantly reacting, putting out fires, and rushing to enforce boundary after boundary with no real improvement, the boundary method might not be working for us. One reason for this is that if we are stuck playing goalie all day, putting all of our energy into reacting and trying to keep our toddler in line in moments of stress and chaos, we are draining ourselves and might not have energy left to put into more proactive strategies.

Respond Rather Than React

Responding to our toddlers boundary pushing behavior instead of reacting is as much a mindset shift as it is an energy shift. When we are able to respond, it is usually because we have thought through the stressful situation before hand and have a plan for how to handle it. When we are proactive, rather than reactive, we are more likely to stay calm and not get sucked into our toddler’s chaos.

Pitfall #2: Thinking That Boundaries are the Only Tool

Boundaries are a great tool, but they are not the only tool, but rather just one of many tools. The typical boundary formula given in online parenting advice is what Heather calls the validation boundary method. This method encourages parents to validate the child’s emotion when giving the boundary, saying, “It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hit.”

Validating emotions while holding boundaries around behavior is great, but it is not very helpful if we think that it is all we can do in these moments of boundary pushing. If you find yourself repeating the validation and the boundary like a broken record with a toddler who seems to get more upset when you repeat the script, you might need a different approach.

Gather More Tools Tailored to Your Child’s Specific Needs

Heather recommends digging deeper to find out more about your toddler’s personality traits and driving needs, an idea based on the work of neuroscientist Dr. Daniel Siegel. If we can understand these deeper needs that might be driving our toddlers behavior, we will be better equipped to find and apply strategies and tools that are more helpful for them.

Pitfall #3: Boundaries Don’t Teach Toddlers Skills

Just holding a boundary alone, keeping your toddler from hitting, is not teaching a skill, what to do instead of hitting. Our toddlers need to replace a negative behavior, like hitting, with a positive behavior or action.

Teach the Skills They Need

If we can figure out the root cause of the behavior, why they are hitting in the first place, then we can teach them positive communication or regulation skills that they need to more effectively solve their problem.

EXAMPLES

• Maybe your toddler needs to be able to say, “I am mad!” instead of hitting when upset.
• Or maybe they need to be reminded to ask an adult for help if they are hitting because another child took their toy.
• Maybe they need to practice something positive to do with their hands instead, like giving high fives or squeezing a stress ball.

Pitfall #4: Boundaries Alone Can Unintentionally Cause Unwanted Behavior to Repeat

One of the reasons that behavior like hitting can repeat is because some strategies we use with our toddlers may actually fuel their fire instead of putting it out. Our toddlers might be feeding off of our words and actions, no matter how calm we are or how good our intentions may be.

Find Other Ways to Hold Boundaries

Holding boundaries is still important, but like Heather has noted, if the typical scripts are not working, you want to look into other ways to hold boundaries that might be more effective for your toddler. Heather offers various workshops and a mini course designed to help you find the boundary methods that work for you and your family.

Pitfall #5: You Got Stuck in the Toddler Reactivity Loop

The Toddler Reactivity Loop is a cycle of repeated behavior and reacting that can be very difficult to break out of. Our reactions, where we put our attention, and unhelpful strategies can call contribute to this loop.

Break the Cycle with a New Approach

In order to get out of the reactivity loop, we need to help break the cycle by responding instead of reacting, teaching a more appropriate skill outside of the moment, and varying our approach.

Our toddlers really do want to listen and cooperate with us, but they get stuck in behavior patterns and ruts just like we do and need our help to get them out. Sometimes that requires us to go beyond what we think we know is the best advice and try a new approach. If an approach doesn’t work for you, its often not that you have done anything wrong, but that the strategy wasn’t a good fit for you or your toddler. Every toddler and family is unique, and we want to find the strategies and methods that serve us, not that add more stress to our lives.

Find what works for you and your family, and if you need more parenting tools and support, sign up for the free Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Guide and Workshop here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting tools along the way.