Just when we think we found the perfect new strategy to address our toddler’s behavior, our toddler’s behavior gets worse. Has this happened to you before? Sometimes, when we try new approaches, our toddler’s behavior gets worse before it gets better. Why does this happen? And why, on other occasions, does our toddler’s behavior get better right away?

Heather dives into the developmental and environmental reasons for why, when we try to guide our toddlers to more appropriate behavior, we might see some ups and downs in their behavior, and what we can do about it.

**Listen to the full podcast episode here, or read on for the tips!

Why Behavior Gets Worse Before It Gets Better

Reason #1: New Boundaries

One reason that we see behavior getting worse is because we have set new boundaries. When we set new limits and boundaries with our toddlers, not allowing them to do things that were allowed before, we will likely see our toddlers ramp up their behavior in order to test that those new boundaries are there to stay.

Especially if it is the first time we are enforcing certain boundaries, our toddlers may not fully understand that things have really changed. They may continue to try the same behaviors expecting the old results. Toddlers often test limits and boundaries that are new until they understand what your response will be and are reassured by consistent follow through.

This reality is why it can be confusing for our toddlers if we are always changing up what we are doing and saying. If we allow one behavior one day but don’t allow it the next, our toddlers will be unsure what reaction they will get from us. Their environment becomes unfamiliar, unsafe, and unreliable, which is not ideal for learning.

When we do make changes, we want to be sure that we are thoughtful in our explanation and and consistent in our responses so our toddlers can more quickly understand what to expect and feel safe and secure in their environment.

Reason #2: The Frustration Station

Imagine you suddenly couldn’t do something that you used to be able to do. You would probably feel frustrated. The same thing happens to our toddlers when their usual methods for getting what they want don’t work anymore. When they lack the verbal or cognitive skills to know what to do instead, they can enter the frustration station, cranking up the volume of certain behaviors out of frustration before they learn the better way.

EXAMPLE

• Maybe a toddler who is served a plate of food they don’t want is used to being able to refuse the food and get something else instead.
• If the parent decides to stop giving into the requests for other foods and instead resolves to serve a variety of foods along with a safe food that they know the toddler usually likes, the toddler might ramp up whining and crying and refuse the whole plate because they are frustrated that their usual way for getting a different food they want is not working.
• If the parent continues to calmly hold that expectation, the toddler will eventually learn the boundary is not moving. It will take time for them to adapt to the new boundary and expectation. As their communication skills and frustration tolerance grow, they will have better ways to express their frustration, without whining, screaming, and crying.

New skills are more difficult for our toddlers to access under stress. In moments of change or in new environments, our toddlers are more prone to emotional explosions and communication breakdowns. This is why we want to be sure we are teaching and practicing new skills in times of low stress, like during play.

So, if our toddler’s behavior gets worse before it gets better, that does not necessarily mean we should stop what we are doing, but it does mean we should consider our methods and how we are teaching them. We want to make sure to break things down, find small wins, teach during low stress moments, make it fun, and give lots of grace.

Why Behavior Gets Better Right Away

In contrast to behavior that gets worse, sometimes our toddler’s behavior actually improves right away. These moments can be surprising and reassuring as we see our toddlers finally use a skill or understand a concept. But why do we sometimes see these wins right away?

Reason #1: Ah-ha Moments for Our Toddlers

As our toddlers age, they can start to have sudden bursts of understanding which lead to “lightbulb” moments. If they are able to make a connection, like seeing that using a word or a sign would get them what they want faster, and copy that word or sign, they can adopt that new skill seemingly effortlessly and begin using it constantly.

EXAMPLE

• Before our toddlers understand how to ask for things that they want, they tend to just whine, cry, and point, getting increasingly frustrated when we guess wrong and they don’t get what they want right away.
• When our toddlers learn to use the sign for “more” or say the correct word for what they want, we praise them and instantly reward them with the thing they asked for, skipping the whining, frustrated guessing game altogether.
• Now that our toddlers used their new skill and got what they wanted immediately, they make the connection and repeat the skill over and over, solidifying it as skill they now understand how to use.

When a concept or a skill like this clicks for our toddlers, they are much more likely to motivate themselves to use it instead of always relying on us to solve their problem for them. Of course we will still need to prompt them, practice the skills, and give grace when they get frustrated and don’t remember to use their skills, but, overall, as they grow and mature, we will see them become more and more independent with their skills.

Reason #2: Positive Attention and Praise

Our toddlers are more likely to repeat actions when they receive lots of praise. For example, I praised my toddler one day for throwing away his trash, and now whenever he has a snack wrapper in his hands he runs to throw it away and looks to me, seeking that positive praise again and again.

Interestingly enough, our toddlers can want our attention so much that even negative attention will do. If our toddlers don’t seem to get our positive attention or praise often, but they know that throwing a toy or hitting a sibling gets our attention, they will resort to those negative behaviors just for our attention.

The key to shift from constant negative attention seeking to positive attention seeking is to avoid giving attention to the negative behavior and instead calmly redirect their actions to something more positive, giving the positive action our energy and attention (i.e. instead of throwing toys they can throw balls). If we can refrain from a big negative reaction, like yelling or threatening, and save our reactions for positive behavior, our toddlers will be more likely to stop negative attention seeking and continue in the positive behaviors instead.

EXAMPLE

• Heather’s toddlers love to throw and struggled with throwing their water cups or milk cups from the table when they were done.
• When Heather expressed her own frustration when they threw and insisted they not throw, they actually just threw more because they were getting fueled by the negative attention and they didn’t know what to do instead.
• When Heather realized her reactions were not helping their behavior, she began to hold back her frustration and instead remain calm as she handed her toddlers their cups one more time and encouraged them to hand their cups to her instead saying, “all done,” “thank you” or “take it!”
• As Heather consistently kept her frustration out of her tone and gave her toddlers that second chance to hand their cups to her instead, she saw them choose to hand the cups over more and throw them less. She gave lots of opportunities to practice and praise the replacement skill and they eventually learned the better way.

Reason #3: Natural Development

Depending on where our toddlers are developmentally, they sometimes just wake up being able to do new things. Maybe their language skills are improving at a fast pace and they are able to communicate more clearly and understand more. Maybe they have seen other children do things and they are picking those things up too. If you see your toddler playing imaginatively with toys more, that is a sign that their cognitive abilities are growing.

Sometimes we can be working on a skill with our toddlers for a while, but they just doesn’t seem to understand it at all. We might see their cognitive dissonance, where they attach words we say (like “no hitting”) to the action they are doing (hitting), leading them to say “no hit” as they are hitting. They don’t actually understand that our words mean to stop their behavior. As their cognitive abilities develop and they begin to understand what our words actually mean, they will start to resolve that dissonance.

EXAMPLE

• We might see our toddlers stop throwing toys because they finally start understanding how to remind themselves of the correct behavior instead of repeating the negative behaviors.
• Instead of saying “throw toys” when they shouldn’t be throwing a toy car, they might say “cars go zoom” or “throw balls” instead, showing greater understanding of the concept.

This is the beauty of being consistent with our strategies, our teaching, our language, and our consequences! If we stay consistent, when our toddlers are naturally ready, they will make the connections.

If, instead, we are inconsistent, where one day we don’t allow something and the next day we do, or we have a consequence for an action one day then don’t the next, our toddlers are going to have a harder time connecting the dots because their environment is always changing. Being consistent supports our toddler’s ability to learn because they feel that we are safe, consistent, and reliable.

And, as always, if you find yourself needing more parenting tools and support, sign up for the free Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Guide and Workshop here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting tools along the way.