When our children say and do things that hurt us, emotionally and physically, it is common to want to take their behavior personally. In those moments of hurt, it is easy to feel that our children are out to make our lives miserable. Yet, more often than not, our children are actually hurting themselves and are coming to us with their frustration, not knowing how to contain it. It’s often not about us at all.

Heather discusses this reality in her own life and how parents can be proactive and prepared by understanding the cycle of their child’s upset behavior and reflecting on their own responses to overcome that knee jerk reaction to take things personally.

**Listen to the full podcast episode here, or read on for the tips!

The Upset Cycle

There was a situation where one of Heather’s twin boys entered an upset cycle and refused help and comfort from his dad which left Heather’s husband feeling hurt and rejected.

• The situation: Heather’s husband was putting batteries in a remote controlled car that he had just gotten for their twin boys. He was planning to take them out to the playground to drive it around later that day. He told the twins that they would be able to play with the car when they got to the park.

• The upset cycle: The toddlers were very excited about the toy cars, but a few minutes later one of the twins got upset at a different toy that he was playing with. He threw the toy in the air and screamed that it was broken. Heather’s husband went over to see what was wrong, wanting to help calm him and fix the toy.

• The root of the tantrum: What Heather’s husband didn’t realize at the time was that the cause of the upset tantrum was not actually the toy his toddler was playing with, but rather the fact that he was frustrated for having to wait to play with the remote controlled cars.

• The fall-out: So when Heather’s husband went over to help, their toddler took out his frustration on his dad too, hitting him, pushing him away, and saying that he did not want him. Now they were both upset, the toddler because of not getting what he wanted right away, and Heather’s husband because he felt rejected and personally attacked by his toddler’s words and actions.

Better Not to Engage or React

After talking through this situation later, Heather and her husband realized the true underlying cause of their toddler’s frustration and noticed that he tended to follow a familiar pattern when he was upset, which was throwing toys and saying that they were broken even if there weren’t, and hitting or pushing away anyone who was trying to help. They identified that this was how he was taking his frustration out and that it was not a personal attack against them, just the only way he knew how to express frustration in his body.

Putting these pieces together helped Heather and her husband understand their toddler better and focus in on making a plan for how to respond to these upsets and what skills he need to work on outside of these moments, helping them to not react and join him in his frustration.

Being able to take a step back and not take our children’s behavior personally helps us not to engage and react out of our own hurt and frustration in the moment. It is better not to engage and say something harsh that you might regret that does not help the situation like, “Well then I’m never going to help you.” Even though it’s hard, we need to remember that we are the parents and we need to be above sending the same insults our child’s way that they fire at us.

Heather’s Story

When Heather was in grade school, there was another student who was bullying her and she confided in her mom about it. Her mom then went and talked to the school without her knowledge. Heather was approached at school by the staff and felt embarrassed. Very upset, she went home and told her mom that she would never trust her again.

Those words that she said in the moment were not actually true. She did trust her mom, but she was upset and embarrassed by the situation and also afraid that the bullying at school might actually get worse after intervention and not better. She said hurtful things because she was hurting, but she actually did need her mom. Sometimes when our children tell us to go away, they actually are trying to say that they really do need us, that they actually don’t want us to go away, and that they are just having a hard time.

These things are hard to hear as parents, but it is important to not retaliate.

EXAMPLE

• If Heather’s mom had said something back in anger like, “Well, I’ll never help you again!” that would have just made the situation worse. Heather would have then felt abandoned, which would have made her hurt worse.

What We Can Do

Our children, whether toddlers or teenagers, will say things they shouldn’t, they will try to push us away, and our response really does matter, so take a deep breath and step away if you can to avoid saying something you might also regret out of your own hurt.

If you do react and say something you later regret, you can always go to your child and repair the relationship. When we apologize to our children, we model apology, repair, and vulnerability.

Teaching Skills and Having Boundaries

We also want to recognize the skills that our toddlers and teenagers don’t have a good grasp of and teach and practice them. When toddlers and teenagers say things like “Go away!” or “I hate you,” they are struggling with communicating their anger in a more appropriate way.

As the parent, we can and should have boundaries around when we will respond and what we will respond to. We don’t want to engage them with our own angry outburst, or get sucked into a power struggle when emotions are high. We can instead help them cool down and talk it out or teach after the upset has passed. We might want to give them better words to say when they are angry to help them communicate more clearly.

EXAMPLE

• When one of my boys was two, he was very upset by something and ran over and bit me really hard in the back.
• I was totally taken aback by this and very hurt, physically and emotionally, saddened and frustrated that he would take out his anger on me. I was tempted to feel personally attacked.
• When I was able to take a step back, I realized my toddler had been upset by his brother and he had run to me, maybe for comfort, but when he is upset his natural reaction was to want to bite down hard on something and, in this case, that something was me. Hurt toddlers hurt others. I realized it wasn’t a personal attack against me, it was just him expressing his frustration.
• When I realized this, I knew that, instead of being hurt by his behavior and taking it personally, I needed to take action instead and help to teach him better ways to express his frustration to me without hurting me and those around him. When he would run to me upset, I would coach him on how to say he was sad or upset and ask for a hug. Doing this helped him get the comfort he needed without hurting anyone in his frustration.

When we take our toddlers behaviors personally, it’s easy to feel defeated and defensive because we do so much for our children. It can sting when we don’t feel appreciated and we are allowed to feel hurt, but we don’t want that to spill over into a fractured family relationship. Instead, we want to show our children grace and teach them the life lessons they need.

And, as always, if you find yourself needing more parenting tools and support, sign up for the free Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Guide and Workshop here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting tools along the way.