Do you have a toddler who is pushing all your buttons and you just don’t know what to do? When our toddlers know exactly what to do to get a reaction out of us, we can feel frustrated and perplexed.

Heather has experienced this frustration and has learned some important lessons. First, we need to understand our toddler’s button pushing behavior and some common mistakes we might be making that unintentionally make the behavior worse. Then Heather gives us some great strategies that can shift our thought process when dealing with button pushing behavior and will eventually help our toddler shift their behavior as well.

**Listen to the full podcast episode here or read on for the tips!

Understanding the Behavior

All behavior is communication. If toddlers are engaging in button pushing behavior, they may be seeking attention, testing limits, expressing frustration, or looking for autonomy. Understanding the root cause of the behavior will guide our responses so that we address the problem with solutions that will actually help.

So what can button pushing behavior look like? Here are some examples:  

• Charging at the oven when you are trying to cook
• Hitting you in the face
• Pulling their sibling’s hair
• Throwing toys
• Screaming at the dinner table and then laughing

When Our Toddlers Want Attention Our Reactions Fuel the Fire

Sometimes our toddlers push our buttons because they want our attention, even if it’s negative attention. This is why when we get authoritative, raise our voices, and try to control the situation, our toddlers do not care. They might even be encouraged to keep acting out when we firmly say no and hold a boundary, which frustrates us even more. When they get a rise out of us, in some ways they are getting what they want: our energy and attention.

When there are siblings involved, they can also feed off of each other’s energy. If one is screaming at the dinner table or throwing their toys all around, the other will likely do the same, adding to the chaos. When siblings reinforce each other’s behavior, Heather calls this Behavior Amplification.

Why Popular Scripts Don’t Always Work

The problem with a lot of online parenting advice and scripts are that they are presented as if they will fix all behavior. We seem to always hear that as long as we are calm and say, “Hitting hurts, I won’t let you hit!” that our toddlers will magically stop and never hit again. But this just isn’t reality for some parents and toddlers.

For some toddlers saying, “Hitting hurts, that makes mommy sad,” might help them stop and learn empathy, but for others, this same phrase gives them a sense of control over us that makes them continue to hit instead. When our toddlers feel like they have too much power and control, they actually feel unsafe and will continue to test the boundary to see where it is and what our reaction will be.

These totally opposite reactions our toddlers can have to the same words is why it is so important for us to understand our own toddler’s unique personality and needs, and why they are engaging in a behavior, like hitting, in the first place.

When Heather realized one of her twins was pushing her buttons to get attention and get a reaction out of her, she noticed that the more firm and adamant she was with him, the more he acted out. She then knew she had to work on having little to no reaction and keeping her body language and tone neutral so that her toddler would listen better.

Then she began trying new approaches and proactive strategies that helped her take action while not fueling the attention seeking behavior.

Proactive Strategies

Tip #1: Invite Your Toddler into What You are Doing

If we are cooking and our toddler is trying to get our attention in unsafe ways, we can flip their negative attention seeking to a positive interaction by inviting them to join in what we are doing. When we are cooking, maybe we can give them an age appropriate task or they can stand up at the counter and watch.

*A Note: Involving toddlers in tasks can be tricky when there are multiple children who all want to be involved at the same time, but it can be helpful if only one or sometimes two children need something constructive to do with us while we finish what we need to do.

Sometimes moments like this with many small children are what Heather calls “oh crap” moments where we just need to do what we can to keep everyone safe. If young toddlers are fighting over being involved or the situation becomes unsafe and one of your toddlers still uses a playpen, you can put them there where they are safe and contained. If you have a gated area for play you can use that too.

EXAMPLE

• Situation: If you are trying to cook and one sibling pulled the other’s hair, you might have to pause your cooking for a moment and deal with the behavior.
• Modified expectations: You might not be able to resolve it how you would normally with a time in because you are needing to get back to cooking, but you can quickly make sure the child who was hurt is okay and address the behavior of the other child by separating them.
• Action: If they were fighting over a toy, maybe the toy gets put away for now and one of the toddlers plays with something else and the other comes to be with you in the kitchen while you finish cooking. If the child who hurt their sibling is more likely to do that again, then they may need to be the one who stays with you so that you can monitor them and even talk through their behavior once they are calm.

Tip #2: Set Up Activities Beforehand

If you know cooking with your toddlers around is a struggle and you don’t want multiple children up at the counter with you, you can invite them to play by you instead. Before you start to cook, you could even set out a special activity for them to do or toy for them to play with. You could also just see if they want to pretend to cook by you by putting a pot and wooden spoon on the floor and letting them imitate you.

Things to Avoid

Tip #3: Avoid Big Reactions

When our toddlers get a reaction out of us, they are actually the ones in control of the situation. A parent who yells and reacts isn’t usually in control of the situation at all and is lashing out to try to gain control. When we react like this, we are often letting our toddler’s behavior control ours instead of leading with a thought out response.

This, however, doesn’t necessarily mean that we should not react or be firm at all. We can and should have boundaries that we sometimes do communicate firmly, but still lovingly, but the point is that we should try to keep our own responses balanced, not falling into overly permissive (where we let our toddlers walk all over us) or overly authoritarian (where we yell or are too harsh).

What helps us find this balance is getting ahead of these tricky button pushing situations by thinking carefully about:

1. How we want to respond
2. What will best help our toddler in the moment
3. What we need to work on with our toddler outside of the moment.

Tip #4: Avoid Punishments

It may sound counterintuitive, but punishments like yelling, spanking, and even time outs, if enforced harshly, should be avoided because they actually don’t change our toddlers behavior long term and can actually increase aggressive behavior in the moment, especially if your toddler is more prone to button pushing behavior.

What To Do Instead

Tip #5: Try Distraction

If you are trying to cook dinner and your toddler is trying to get your attention by doing something unsafe like ramming a toy into the oven, you can try to use a positive tone to suggest they do something different, like find their favorite toy, or go look out the window to watch for daddy’s car.

While we want to teach our toddlers that ramming toys into the oven or throwing things in the kitchen is not safe or appropriate behavior, if they are not listening to our firm instructions and our hands are full, we might just need to direct their attention to something else entirely and come back to teaching at a later time when things are calmer.

Tip #6: Quick Change of Scene

In a moment of aggressive behavior, sometimes we need to give a verbal boundary like, “no hitting,” but then we should also hold that boundary with an action, like a quick change of scene.

EXAMPLE

• If your toddler is sitting in your lap and they hit you, you can put them on the ground next to you instead and take a step back if you need to, to both remove yourself from the hitting and take a moment to cool off if you are upset by their actions.

It is important to remember that a verbal boundary, like “no hitting,” is often not enough to stop our toddler’s actions. We need to be the boundary with our own actions, removing ourselves, changing the scene, or distracting with a different activity. These actions that we take are not only a boundary, but also a related consequence. It’s important that we hold these boundaries and consequences right away because, if we don’t take action immediately, our toddlers won’t as clearly connect the consequence to their actions.

EXAMPLE

• Your toddler hits another child at the park and you decide that the consequence should be leaving the park, but you don’t leave for another 15 minutes. Because the consequence was removed from the time of the incident, it might not reinforce “no hitting” the way you think it should.

Tip #7: Focus on What to Do Instead

This is similar to a distraction, but instead of shifting our toddler’s focus to something different entirely, we can remind them of what to do with their hands or with the toy that they are throwing instead, redirecting their actions.

EXAMPLE

• If your toddler is ramming a toy into the oven, instead of constantly saying, “No! Don’t do that!” you could say, “Go around the oven, like this,” and even show them.
• If they are ramming toys into others you can also teach them words to say like, “Excuse me!” or “Watch out!”

Reminding them of the positive direction they can take their energy can help avoid the power struggle and help them shift gears seamlessly.

Hopefully these tips are as helpful to you as they have been to me! And if you find yourself needing more parenting tools and support, sign up for the free Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Guide and Workshop here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting tools along the way.