There is a common parenting script going around online that can actually backfire on parents more than it helps them. Though this advice is well-intentioned, Heather feels that it lacks understanding of attention seeking behavior and can actually reinforce the very behaviors parents are trying to help their toddlers stop. Heather calls this advice the Validation Boundary Method and she outlines eight ways that this method fails parents and what we can do instead.

**Listen to the full podcast episode here or read on for the tips!

The Validation Boundary Method

The Validation Boundary Method script often goes like this: A parent says no to their toddler’s request and the toddler is upset and hits them. The parent then says, “It’s okay to be mad” (validation), “but it’s not okay to hit. I won’t let you hit me” (boundary).

Though validating emotions and holding boundaries are both important, this script alone does not give our toddlers a full understanding of emotions, boundaries, or how they should behave instead. Ultimately, the Validation Boundary Method is a reactive, not a proactive, approach. We need methods that will actually teach our toddlers the emotional and behavioral skills they need to navigate the world.

8 Problems with the Validation Boundary Method

#1: No Clear Teaching

Toddlers need clear, repeated modeling and coaching of the positive behaviors we want to see, not just being told over and over again what not to do. Stating a boundary like “I won’t let you hit” has its place, but if that’s all we say, we are not telling our toddlers what they should be doing instead.

What to Do Instead: Remind, Redirect, and Teach

We need to teach and redirect our toddlers to do something else with their hands, their energy, and their impulses.

EXAMPLE

• When toddlers hit because they are mad, we can instead direct their upset energy into an activity that will not hurt anyone but also release the emotion through movement. We can direct them to stomp their feet instead of kick, squeeze our hands instead of hit, or bite a special bite toy instead of a person.

#2: Passive, not Proactive

The Validation Boundary Method is passive in that we only need to use the script after the undesired behavior has begun and there are no preventative measures given. Sometimes tantrums and power struggles just happen, but other times there are steps we can proactively take to prevent them.

What to Do: Proactive Strategies

Sometimes, with a bit of forethought, observation, and planning, we can set up the environment, ourselves, or our toddlers for success. Being proactive can look like:

• Prepping our toddlers before transitions
• Redirecting them with playfulness
• Teaching tools for emotional regulation when they are calm
• Removing items we know might be problematic before they become a problem (like breakable or heavy things if they are throwing)
• Making sure they are not overtired, over hungry, or overstimulated

#3: Accidentally Reinforces Attention-Seeking Behavior

For toddlers who exhibit attention seeking behavior, the Validation Boundary script can actually perpetuate their behavior instead of stop it. When toddlers act out in order to get our attention, they are looking for a reaction from us, even if our reaction is trying to stay calm and say the same script over and over again. We don’t want to be stuck in a loop without end, so we need to do something different and break the pattern.

What to Do: Disrupt the Pattern

If our toddlers are feeding off a pattern in our reaction, whatever that reaction is, we want to break the habit by disrupting the cycle. This can look like many different things depending on the behavior and the reaction you are trying to change.

EXAMPLES

• Keeping your reactions boring when they engage in negative attention seeking behavior
• Disarming with playfulness, inviting your toddler to high five you instead of hit.
• Stating that you won’t engage with them anymore until everyone is calm (can help if they are asking endlessly for something you already said no to).

*For more examples of how to disrupt patterns of attention seeking behavior, check out this post From Hits to High Fives.

#4: Assumes Toddlers Can Regulate By Themselves

When we say, “It’s okay to be mad, but it’s not okay to hit” and nothing else, we are assuming that toddlers should be able be able to calm down without further help from us. But our toddlers’ brains do not work like that.

The Toddler Brain:

• The prefrontal cortex, which controls logic, reasoning, and impulse control is still under construction.
• The amygdala, which is the emotional center of the brain, is in the driver’s seat which is why toddlers have so many explosive emotions.
• When toddlers feels anything big—anger, fear, frustration, overstimulation—their bodies act before their brain can. That’s why toddlers often hit, bite, and throw when they are upset: they are having a hard time controlling their own emotions and are reacting with the brain structure they have at that moment.

What to Do: Co-Regulate First

Because our toddlers’ logical thinking brain is still developing, they rely on us to help them calm back down. This is called co-regulation. When we remain calm and are a safe place for our upset toddlers to come to, our calm eventually spreads to them.

EXAMPLE

• When our toddler’s are upset, they need co-regulation first, before correction. Our calm presence and minimal words can be the most helpful to our toddlers in the middle of a meltdown.

#5: Lacks Empathy and Connection

The Validation Boundary Method might sound like it offers empathy through validation, but labeling and validating our toddler’s emotions is not the same as connection. Toddlers need to feel seen. They want to see that we understand them. This is where matching their emotion and mirroring it back to them in a small way can help them feel felt.

What to Do: Empathize and Connect

We do this naturally in many instances with our toddlers. When they are hurt or sad, our tone becomes soft and tender. We often forget we can do the same thing when they are mad or frustrated, showing them we understand their frustration, that we would be frustrated at that too if it happened to us. This doesn’t mean we escalate with our toddlers when they are sad or mad. We don’t scream when they scream or whine when they whine. We simply want to adopt an empathetic tone, showing them we see them and what they are feeling, without getting sucked into it ourselves.

The Research

Adopting an empathetic tone and mirroring back our toddler’s emotions is called emotional attunement, effective mirroring, or effective attunement, and it is a core part of healthy emotional development.

• In 1985, Daniel Stern’s foundational research in infant and toddler development introduced the concept of effective attunement, the caregivers ability to reflect the emotional tone and intensity of the child’s feelings. Emotional attunement strengthens attachment and builds a child’s capacity for emotional regulation over time.

• Another famous study, called “The Still Face Experiment” showed how infants are affected by emotional unavailability. In the experiment, when babies got upset by something in their environment, the caregivers were instructed to have no expression or response. The babies quickly became distressed. But when the caregiver returned to emotional connection, they calmed again. This highlights how young children rely on the emotional response of an adult to co-regulate and feel safe.

So instead of just saying “It’s okay to be mad, but it’s not okay to hit,” we could say something that empathizes and connects with our toddlers better.

EXAMPLE

• Your toddler is mad because another child took their toy and they are about to hit.
• You can say, with an empathetic tone and expression, “You are so mad right now. You didn’t want that to happen. That was hard! I’m here for you. Let me give you something to squeeze and we can stomp out those mad feelings together.”

This type of emotion coaching and positive redirection lays the foundation for self-regulation later on.

#6: No Visual or Physical Cues

The Validation Boundary Method is primarily a verbal script with no visual or physical cues given. Verbal scripts alone, however, are often lost on toddlers, especially in the middle of a meltdown, because their logical brain goes offline leaving them unable to process what we are saying.

Dr. Daniel Siegel calls this tantrum state “flipping the lid” because the pathways in the brain that connect the emotional brain to the developing logical brain close off, leaving the toddler stuck in their emotional brain until that pathway opens up again when they calm down.

What to Do Instead: Use Calm Gestures or Touch

Visual or physical cues can often reach our toddler in heightened emotional states when words cannot.

#7: Doesn’t Address Impulse or Sensory Needs

The Validation Boundary Method script does not address why a behavior like hitting is happening, or offer an appropriate outlet for it. Many toddlers get upset because of unmet needs. Sometimes they have a physical impulse, are overwhelmed, tired, hungry, or seeking attention.

What to Do: Know and Meet Their Needs

We need to observe, ask questions, and dig deeper to find out what is really going on beneath the surface. If there is an unmet need, we should try to meet it first and then continue with other strategies.

EXAMPLE

• If we realize our toddler is melting down because they are overtired and need a nap, what they really need is rest or a quiet moment away, not a repeated boundary.

#8: Leads to Parental Burnout

If the Boundary Validation Method is the only tool in our toolboxes, it can lead to parental burnout. We feel like we are doing what we are supposed to do, but when we repeat the script over and over and it doesn’t help our toddlers, we become frustrated and feel as if we are failing. We are not failing; the script is failing us. It simply does not give us a complete framework: no plan for before, during, or after the meltdown.

What to Do: Find What Works for Your Family

There was a time when Heather used this script when her toddlers were hitting and throwing, but she noticed it only made their behavior worse, not better. She felt defeated. She felt like she was doing the right thing because that’s what all the experts online said to do, but eventually she had to take a step back and reevaluate and find something that actually worked for her toddlers and their family. We know our toddlers best.

So if you are stuck in the Validation Boundary loop and If you need more parenting tools and support, sign up for the free Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Guide and Workshop here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting tools along the way.