If your toddler screams “no,” is mischievous, and gets creative in ways that get them into trouble, you are not alone. Many toddlers seem to be wired in these ways, whether it stems from their unique combination of personality traits or their developmental stage. But just as important as understanding why our toddlers act in these ways is noticing how our own reactions affect them.

Heather walks us through the importance of both understanding the behavioral loops our toddlers get stuck in and how our action can either feed or disrupt these loops. The attention we give our toddlers is often the attention we get back.

**Listen to the full podcast episode here or read on for the tips!

A Frazzled Morning

It’s way too early in the morning and you are tired, the kids are energetic, and the day feels chaotic from the start. Then one of your toddlers tosses a toy across the room while the other spills milk all over the table and you react. All of a sudden, you are yelling. But as the day goes on, those minor incidents turn into all out fights and broken things and you feel like you are fighting intense emotions and behavior all day and it’s only getting worse.

We’ve all been there. It is a hard pill to swallow that our reactions can set the tone for the rest of the day. When we add our own reactions and frustration to the small things, those small things somehow become big things and we all get stuck in the negative cycle of the toddler reactivity loop.

Understanding the Toddler Reactivity Loop

When our toddlers are hitting, throwing, screaming, talking back, biting, and getting into everything, we often go right to stopping the behavior in its tracks saying things like,

• “Don’t do that!”
• “Stop!”
• “Ouch, that hurts!”
• or “That’s not nice!”

Even when we might have heard that saying these phrases is not the most helpful, we still say them almost instinctively, often because we don’t know what else to do.

However, when we react in these ways, our toddlers actually can get energy from our attention, even our negative attention. We can actually reinforce their behavior by reacting to it strongly and trying to stop it.

Getting out of the Loop

Heather, too, has experienced frazzled mornings and has been stuck in this negative feedback loop with her toddlers. Her twin boys often want to sit in her lap and “cuddle” in the morning, but their idea of cuddling looks more like wrestling, tugging, and elbows to the chest. Heather had been reacting the same way every morning, with a grumpy, “Ouch, that hurts, stop!” but felt stuck in that negative feedback loop. She knew she needed to do something to break out of the loop.

She needed to change her reactions and reset the day.

So Heather decided to try really hard to hold back her negative comments on her toddler’s rough cuddles and redirect them instead, using positive words and energy. The difference she saw was huge. When she did not give the pushing and shoving her attention and instead brushed it off and redirected it, the day went so much more smoothly. Her reactions, words, and where she put her attention had more impact than she at first thought.

The Attention We Give is the Attention We Get

What we water with our attention grows, whether positive or negative. When we lead with positive attention, we often get that positive attention given back to us. It might seem counter-intuitive at first, but giving positive attention can actually help counteract a toddler’s negative attention seeking behavior.

One of Heather’s twins exhibits a lot of attention seeking behavior. If there is a situation where Heather’s attention is not on him, he often will act out to get it.

EXAMPLES

• At the dinner table Heather and her husband were having a conversation. Her attention seeking toddler snuck away and flung a ball at the table, hitting some plates and silverware. He wanted the attention to be on him.
• If Heather is helping her other twin with something, her attention seeking twin will lash out, hitting her and trying to get a reaction out of her.

There was one day when this twin was struggling with sharing. It had been a constant battle all day. But there was one moment where Heather saw him actually give a toy to a friend unprompted and she called it out, giving him lots of positive attention and praise.

After that positive interaction, her twin stepped up. He listened, he soaked in that positive attention, and he acted overall more positively the rest of the day.

Praise Can Make All the Difference

If we could spent just 30 seconds to a minute giving your toddler positive praise and it could change the whole trajectory of the day, wouldn’t we do it? What actually often hinders us from taking that moment out of our day is our own mental load. That is not on our toddler; that is on us.

But if we can do the hard work of changing our own mental state, we can actually help change the mental state of our toddler as well. If we can take the time to affirm our toddlers, encourage them, and see their progress, even if it’s small, we will see that they often will rise to the occasion and make strides in the right direction.

EXAMPLES

Simple phrases like

• “I know you can do this.”
• “You are kind and helpful.”
• “I see how thoughtful you are.”

are not only motivational, but can shape our toddlers’ self-concept over time. They begin to internalize the good qualities we see in them. On the flip side, if we are always pointing out how they are not living up to expectations saying,

• “That’s naughty”
• “You’re not being nice”

then that’s how they might start thinking of themselves instead.

The Research

Research from developmental psychology emphasizes that children internalize repeated messages from caregivers which effects their self-esteem and inner dialogue.

• Dr. Carol Dweck’s Growth Mindset Theory supports this, indicating that consistent positive feedback and highlighting efforts and traits like helpfulness and kindness, help children develop a healthy self-image. Conversely, repeating negative feedback can grow to define their inner voice, leading to self-doubt and frustration.

As parents, the words we choose now become our children’s inner voice later. We want to intentionally build an inner dialogue that supports confidence, kindness, and resilience.

Our Toddler’s Personality

But maybe you feel like your toddler is mischievous, destructive, and intentionally acts out to push your buttons, and there is almost nothing to praise about their behavior.

Some toddlers naturally have these bents as part of their personality and temperament. One of Heather’s twins has exhibited these traits from the time he was a very young toddler. When given directions, he likes to do the opposite. When he has to match colors he will intentionally mismatch them. If he is supposed to copy an image, he will do his own design instead.

Now, some might label this behavior as oppositional, defiant, or rebellious, but from observing her son, Heather realized that he really just thinks outside of the box, is experimental, creative, and an independent thinker. These are not inherently bad qualities! He might be more strong willed and test every boundary, but not because he is trying to be bad.

Heather’s same twin also seeks attention creatively and likes to have conversations where he asks out of the box questions and discusses things that might be shocking to others. He will do things like call people by the wrong name on purpose as a joke looking for a reaction, or ask about strange scenarios, like what would happen if he got sucked into the fan.

Instead of shutting these parts of their personalities down, we can actually channel our toddler’s curiosity in a positive direction. To do this we can offer lots of open ended, exploratory activities that encourage their creativity. We can enter into their scenarios and let them ask those “what if” questions and not just dismiss them. We will still need to hold boundaries, but we can encourage healthy expression as much as possible.

The Research

Research shows that children who are strong willed, creative, curious, and even rebellious are often innovative, strong leaders, and creative thinkers later in life. Psychologist Adam Grant, in his book Originals: How Non-Conformists Move the World, notes that original thinkers and innovators often started out as kids who resisted conventional rules and expectations.

By being a positive guide for our toddlers with these types of personalities and nurturing their curiosity, creativity, and independence, we can encourage them to use their unique bents for the good of others and themselves.

Our Language, Reactions, and Tone Matter

The way we speak to our toddlers matters. The way we react to them, talk about them, the words and tone we use, all shapes their behavior, self-image, and self-esteem. We want to speak life and encouragement to them.

That might sound simple, but when our toddlers have already pushed all our buttons and crossed all our boundaries before 9 A.M, finding positive things to highlight can feel impossible, I know. And even when we do say and think positive things about our toddlers, it won’t always fix everything. They do still need to continue learning and practicing skills as they mature and grow, but finding a way to focus on something positive, even just to add in a little fun and lighten the mood when the morning has been rough, will help us and our toddlers thrive instead of just survive.

So, if you find yourself needing more parenting tools and support, sign up for the free Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Guide and Workshop here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting tools along the way.