Does your toddler have intense tantrums that leave you perplexed and wondering if there is anything you can do to help? You are not alone. Every toddler parent has tantrum stories. Heather shares some of her own to show us how we can look beneath the behavior to find the root cause and can help our toddlers by connecting with them, identifying unmet needs, and understanding the “picture perfect” mindset.

**Listen to the full podcast episode here or read on for the tips!

The Pizza Tantrum

The “Picture Perfect” Mindset

What Happened

It was dinner time and one of Heather’s toddlers asked for his pizza to be cut smaller, and smaller again, and again, until all of a sudden he realized the pizza was not becoming what he pictured in his mind. He became upset and asked Heather to make it big again. He was starting to enter a tantrum.

The Root of Tantrum: Disappointment

Heather’s toddler was dealing with reality not meeting his expectations. Heather calls this the “picture perfect” mindset. In this moment, Heather couldn’t put the pizza back together again and couldn’t get him another big piece because that was the last one. Sometimes our toddlers are forced to face the reality of not getting what they want and can experience intense disappointment. Because they are still developing, they don’t always know how to cope with that disappointment, leading to a meltdown.

How We Sometimes React

In the middle of these types of meltdowns, our initial reaction might be to reason with our toddlers, explaining how the pizza is going to taste the same, that it’s fine, that it’s not a big deal, but this often makes our toddlers even more upset.

We also might threaten to take the pizza away, since its making them so upset, but this also tends to just escalate the meltdown. They still want the pizza, even if it’s not what they pictured in their head. Putting pressure on them to stop crying or else doesn’t help them work through their emotions, it only adds more upset emotions on top.

What Helped: Stepping Back

After some of these knee jerk reactions that we all have, Heather knew her and her husband needed to step back, stop talking, and let their toddler be upset and ride out his emotions to the very end. He was fully upset for a little while, but eventually he did start to calm down and was able to choose something else to eat instead.

• Key Takeaway: Sometimes the most supportive thing we can do is to stop trying to fix or control the tantrum and just let our toddlers work their way through their feelings without adding any more pressure. When our toddlers do move through the tantrum and come back down, then we can offer other options and brain storm solutions.

Bubble Blower Gone Wrong

When Frustration Looks Like Anger

What Happened

One day, one of Heather’s toddlers threw his bubble blower across the yard when he was with his babysitter, and the bubble blower broke. It looked like he was acting out in anger and trying to break it

The Root of the Tantrum: Frustration

When Heather was able to reconnect with him after she returned, she learned that her toddler was actually frustrated because the bubbles were not coming out the way that they should have.

What Helped: Connection

Because Heather connected with her toddler and got curious without making him feel shame, he was able to open up and explain what was really bothering him. He was not throwing the bubble blower to try to break it, but because he didn’t know how to deal with his frustration about it not working properly.

• Key Takeaway: What looks like bad behavior, defiance, and aggression is often just a toddler trying to solve a problem with limited skills. They need our guidance to work through these emotions. They need us to teach them what to do, how to calm down, how to seek help, and how to make better choices in the moment. We can do this most effectively through connection and practice rather than through punishment.

Pre-K Visit Turned Tantrum

When We Don’t Prep

What Happened

Heather, her mom, and her twins were touring a pre-k school. This was one of many pre-k school visits and at every school they got to see the playground area, but there was something special about this school’s playground that her toddlers really liked. They entered the school through the back so they passed it to go through the halls and see the classrooms. It wasn’t until they were heading out the front doors to go home that her toddlers started to tantrum. They really wanted to go back and play on the playground.

The Tantrum Spiral

As Heather and her mom carried the upset toddlers to the car, someone from the school came out and told them that there was another playground just down the street. Heather thought that would be the perfect thing to cheer up her twins after not being able to play at the other playground, so off they went to the other park.

However, there was no parking lot at that playground and the only neighborhood close by was still too far for her toddlers to walk. So Heather decided to park for a moment at a mechanic shop right across the street, help her mom walk her twins over, then park the car in the neighborhood and walk to meet them.

Unfortunately, the store owner came out very unhappy about her parking at his shop, so she had to leave with the car immediately and her mom had to walk the toddlers across the street by herself. When Heather finally got back to them, her toddlers were in another full blown meltdown. They had thought that their mom had left them and was not coming back, no matter how much their grandmother reassured them.

Heather was able to calm her upset toddlers enough for them to play a little bit, but now they didn’t have much time. Then one of the toddlers ended up getting very upset over wanting Heather to go down a slide that she didn’t want to go down. When he couldn’t calm down, they all had to leave the park anyways. Even after they were home it took a while for everyone to be complexly calm and regulated again.

What Could Have Helped: Prepping

Looking back, Heather realized that she had not thought to prepare her toddlers ahead of time for seeing a fun playground that they couldn’t play on. In the heat of the tantrums and the chaos of trying to play at the other park, she also forgot to take a moment to inform her toddlers of the different changes of plans. Because her toddlers didn’t know what was going on, they continued to spiral out of control and had a hard time fully calming down.

• Key Takeaway: Transitions and unexpected changes to plans can lead to tough tantrums, but we can help minimize the stress of these moments when we clearly communicate expectations and timing. If we can prepare our toddlers ahead of time, that helps them manage their own expectations and emotions.

Playground Public Meltdown

Overstimulation

What Happened

A few days later, Heather and her toddlers were on an outing at another playground. They had been playing for a few hours and Heather was trying to make sure they were taking breaks for snacks and water. Towards the end of their time, one of her toddlers wanted her to go down a slide that she couldn’t go down and when she said no he got really upset and started screaming.

The Root of the Tantrum: Overstimulation

What was this tantrum really about? Control? Autonomy? Maybe, but Heather also realized there were some unmet needs. Her toddler was hot, overstimulated, and tired, and he needed a break.

What Helped: Taking a Break

Heather was able to take her upset toddler to a shaded picnic bench, sit with him, and be emotionally present. She encouraged him to take some breaths and a sip of water, all while also trying not to talk too much. Her toddler was then actually able to calm down pretty quickly.

Where before he had been screaming that he didn’t want to leave the park or go home, now that he was calm he was saying that he was hot, tired and that he actually did want to go home. The things that our toddlers say when they are upset are not always the same as when they are calm.

• Key Takeaway: Tantrums are often our toddlers’ way of saying that they have hit a limit and they need a break. They don’t have the words, but we can help them learn to recognize the signs and help guide them back to calm. When we can see the true need behind the behavior and our toddler’s angry words, we can respond with calm and meet their true needs.

If you find yourself needing more parenting tools and support, sign up for the free Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Guide and Workshop here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting tools along the way.