It’s no secret that the toddler years are full of challenges that test us and our toddlers, but there are two things that might be stealing our joy and keeping us from enjoying these years, challenges and all: shame and perfectionism. These two factors can weigh us down, impacting how we see ourselves and our toddlers. This is why it is so important to address them so we can fully embrace the joys the toddler years also bring. Heather walks us through how shame and perfectionism show up in our parenting and how we can address them and overcome them together. 

**Listen to the full podcast episode here or read on for the tips!

Addressing Shame

Shame in parenting is an internal emotional experience where we feel deeply flawed or inadequate. It makes us feel like we are fundamentally not good enough, especially when comparing ourselves to others or an ideal parenting standard. 

This kind of shame often appears as that nagging voice in the back of our heads questioning our parenting choices and abilities. This voice can nag at any time, but it can be especially loud when our toddlers are throwing a tantrum in public and we feel others staring at us, almost hearing their whispered judgments. 

Community 

Shame isolates. It makes us feel like we can’t ask for help because it feeds on our loneliness. This is exactly why it is crucial to openly discuss our fears and struggles with others. Bringing the struggles into the light of loving community actually lessens the hold shame has on us. 

This is why having other parents who understand what we are going through who can surround us is so important. If we don’t have that community in person, we can also find it through online groups like Facebook parenting groups. We can also reach out to local play groups and get plugged into local library story time programs. Being a part of groups like this, either online or in person, helps us feel less alone in our parenting struggles and they are places where we can also share parenting joys. 

Letting Go of Perfectionism

Perfectionism is the constant striving for an unrealistic ideal. In parenting this can be believing that we always have to respond correctly, calmly, or effectively in every situation in order to be a good parent. However, in reality there is no such thing as perfection in parenting and thinking that there is leads to anxiety, stress, and burnout. When we feel there is an attainable standard we are not reaching, mistakes become unacceptable. 

Even though perfect parenting is a myth, we often find ourselves striving for it due to societal expectations or seemingly perfect social media influencers. Heather herself felt this pressure when she started telling people that she was a toddler parent coach. She would get questions about why, if she was a parenting expert, her toddlers still had tantrums, the assumption being that a perfect parent would have toddlers who would never tantrum. 

Progress Over Perfection 

As a teacher for ten years, Heather knew that when she struggled with a student it didn’t mean she was a bad teacher or that she was failing. Instead she knew she could seek help, get more training, learn, and slowly make progress. She had a village of people to reach out to, parents, administrators, and other teachers who would help her and support her through the challenges. 

For some reason, though, as parents, we feel like we should already have all the skills needed to parent perfectly. When we are stumped by a situation, we feel like we are somehow broken. This is an impossibly high standard and trying to meet it only increases our stress, robbing us of the joy of learning, growing, and seeking help in our parenting journey. 

It’s normal for toddlers to have tantrums, for us not to know what they need all the time, for us to struggle too. Instead of holding ourselves and our toddlers to a perfect standard, we need to be able to roll with the hard times and enjoy the many small wins in between. We have to let go of perfect parenting and embrace the messy middle to find joy. 

Shame and Perfectionism’s Impact on Joy

Perfectionism and shame reinforce each other and create the perfect storm that steals our joy in parenting. Perfectionism says, “I have to do everything perfectly or I’m failing” and shame says, “Because I’m not perfect, there must be something wrong with me.” The core difference lies in perfectionism being an impossible standard and shame being the emotional consequence or internal belief that shapes you when you fall short of that standard.

Here are some examples of how perfectionism and shame can show up in our parenting. 

EXAMPLES

• Feeling like you have to do everything by yourself and that you can’t ask for help
• Feeling like you cannot share your struggles with others
• Feeling like there must be something wrong with you if you have parenting disagreements with a spouse
• Feeling defensive and inadequate when you don’t agree with the parenting advice close family and friends give you
• Believing our toddler’s behaviors reflects badly on us, affecting our own self-worth
• Thinking that if we are parenting right our toddlers wouldn’t hit others or tantrum at the store

Fear That Blocks Connection 

Shame and perfectionism gets in the way of our joy as parents because they keep us in fear of making mistakes and getting judged by others. This fear also creates a barrier that blocks deep connection between us and our children. Because we are so caught up with the idea of how things should be, we miss out on what we do have. We miss out on the small meaningful interactions and spontaneity that are the joys of life with toddlers.

Mental Load and Burnout 

Shame and perfectionism add to the mental load that constantly runs in the background of our lives, making even small decisions feel heavy, stressful, or overwhelming. It also impacts our mood, our days and weeks, and how we view every stage of our toddler’s development. If we are always second guessing ourselves, worrying about judgment from others, and overly cautious rather than playful and present, we are going to become exhausted, burnt out parents. 

Breaking Free From Shame and Perfectionism

When we overcome shame and perfectionism and see ourselves with compassion, we remind ourselves and others that parenting is not supposed to be perfect, and that’s okay.

The Joy of the Growth Mindset 

Being caught in the trap of perfectionism and shame is the opposite of where we want to be, in a growth mindset. A growth mindset embraces mistakes as opportunities for learning and development, where perfectionism and shame frame mistakes as threats, evidence that we are inadequate and failing. Instead of learning from everyday challenges, we end up stuck in anxiety and self-criticism.

But if we can shift into a growth mindset, we can begin to see that parenting is not something we are supposed to do flawlessly, but rather an evolving journey of continuous learning and connection. We can redefine parenting success to be centered around connection, understanding, and mutual respect rather than flawless behavior and compliance. Instead of failures, mistakes become valuable feedback for growth. We become free to enjoy the beautiful imperfections of raising toddlers. We also need to remember that social media is a curated highlight reel and is not showing a full picture of reality.

Here are some other things we can do to fight perfectionism and shame and find joy. 

• Seek support from community, family, and friends, and gather insights from knowledgeable experts. 
• Recognize meaningful, loving interactions, even if they are imperfect.
• Continue to learn and find good parenting resources. 

I hope these tips help you remember that challenges in the toddler years are normal, perfect toddlers and parents don’t exist, and that being a safe place for your children and building bonds with them is true parenting success. If you find yourself needing more parenting tools and support, sign up for the free Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Guide and Workshop here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting tools along the way.