Does your toddler get easily frustrated? When we are in public places where we feel like all eyes are on us, and our toddlers are having a hard time emotionally, it can be tough for us to keep calm and know how to help. This situation happened to Heather and one of her boys recently. But when Heather was able to take a step back and see her frustrated toddler’s situation clearly, she found a strategy that connected with him immediately and reminded her of the power of modeling

**Listen to the full podcast episode here or read on for the tips!

The Situation: Pancake Frustration

Heather and a family member had taken her twin toddlers out to IHOP for a pancake breakfast. At the time her twins had just turned four and were going through a stage of some big emotions. One twin in particular was struggling a lot with frustration.

This toddler was struggling with his pancake. Some of the pieces were so saturated with syrup that they were falling apart and he couldn’t get them with his fork. He was getting frustrated, but he didn’t want help. He wanted to do it by himself, which added more tension to the whole situation.

Sometimes when our toddlers are frustrated by a task, they can get caught in the yes-no loop where they go back and forth between wanting help and wanting to do it by themselves. They can’t decide if they want the task done for them or want the independence to be able to do it. This loop can also add frustration onto our plates because our toddlers seemingly want and need help, but they go into meltdown mode when we try to give it. So what can we do?

Knowing What to Do When

When our toddlers don’t know how to deal with their frustration, the situation can start to escalate. This is what was happening with Heather’s toddler. Heather and the family member tried to offer support, but that was not helping. Then Heather’s family member thought that he might need a break from the restaurant. They were planning to take him out to the entrance area to sit until he calmed down. But when the family member started to tell the upset toddler that he might be taken away from the table if he cold not calm down, he became even more upset.

Boundaries Aren’t Always the Best Option

Holding boundaries, like having to take our toddlers out if they are very upset and need a break, have a place, but we don’t often want to go right to holding that boundary because it doesn’t actually teach them the lessons we want them to learn in that moment. There are times when we do need to hold those boundaries, but if our toddler is able, we want to try a few other strategies first before we give them a hard and fast boundary and hold it.

Use What They Know

It also depends on what types of calm down strategies we have taught our toddlers already and what specific things work for them. If we have taught our toddlers how to take a break, have a calm down time, or a cool down routine proactively, the type of reminder the family member gave might be helpful. But if we haven’t done a cool down time before, we don’t want to try teaching and implementing that for the first time on the edge of a meltdown. We want to focus on keeping calm and helping our toddler calm down with strategies that are familiar to them. But there is another option.

A Different Solution: The Power of Modeling

While we want to teach our toddlers calm down and coping skills primarily when they are calm, there is an exception. There are situations where we can teach our toddlers new skills, even when they are agitated, by using modeling. When we model to our toddlers the skills we want them to use, even in a tense moment, we take the pressure off of them so that they can learn and do what they do best, copy us.

So, in this moment of pancake frustration, Heather decided to act as if she were also frustrated over not being able to get her pancake with her fork. She modeled with her words and actions the steps she could take to move through frustration and come out the other side.

• She narrated the problem: “This piece is not easy for me to get with my fork.”
• She mirrored and verbalized the frustration: “Oof, I’m getting frustrated.”
• She verbalized what she was going to do instead: “I’m going to take a deep breath to help me feel better and take a break. This piece is still hard for me, so I’m going to try this other piece that looks easier to get and come back to the other one later.”

To meet her son where he was, Heather walked through the steps of working through frustration, self-regulation, and problem solving by modeling it clearly to him, and, after a few minutes, he started copying exactly what she showed him. When he started to get frustrated, he actually took a deep breath! Heather had tried teaching him to do this with other methods, but it had never clicked for him until this moment where saw it in action.

He continued taking deep breaths as he tried to get the tricky piece of pancake. Heather also reminded him that he could take a break from that piece and try an easier one. That’s when he came up with his own solution and removed all the pieces of pancake that were hard (the edges where it was crumbling) and put them on Heather’s plate, which she was fine with. She praised him for making a good choice and doing what worked best for him in that tough moment. Then he continued to eat the parts of the pancake that were not frustrating him. After that, he ate happily and the pancake breakfast was much more peaceful.

It is so important that we show our toddlers how to walk through frustration in healthy ways. They need to know that they can take deep breaths, take breaks, and find another way, pivoting and coming up with a new plan. That is true resilience, not fighting with a task until they are red in the face and melting down. Something as simple as eating a pancake helped Heather teach this to her toddler. We too can turn these frustrating, mundane moments into powerful teaching moments, all by using the power of modeling.

If you’re struggling with toddler tantrums and behaviors like hitting and not listening, I have a free guide for you! It’s called the Tantrum and Behavior Guide: 7 Toddler Struggles and How to Solve Them Fast. You can find it here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Happy Toddler, Confident Parent Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting tools along the way.