When it’s time to get in the car, does your toddler put up a fight? If the answer is yes, you are not alone. Most (if not all) toddlers will resist having to get into the car at some point. Heather is here to help and gives us some of the most common reasons for why this can be such a struggle for our toddlers and what we can do to help.

What you will find in this post:

• The four most common reasons that toddlers fight the car
• Some common car battle scenarios and what we can do to help
• What we can about sibling conflict in the car
• Proactive strategies to avoid car battles

**Listen to the full podcast episode here or read on for the tips!

Four Common Reasons for Car Battles

There are many different reasons for why our toddlers resist getting into the car. We need to identify the reason for our toddler’s specific battle before we can truly help them.

1. They feel a loss of control: Our toddlers often have no say in where they are going or how long they will be stuck in the car. They are just along for the ride.
2. They have a hard time with the transition: Transitions are tough for toddlers. Moving from one activity to another can be hard for developing brains.
3. They are overstimulated by sensory experiences in the car: Sometimes our toddlers can experience sensory overload in the car. They may feel overwhelmed by the noise level, the motion, the temperature, or the feeling of their straps and buckles.
4. They have an unmet physical need and low frustration tolerance: If our toddlers are hungry, thirsty, or tired, it can put their systems into survival mode where fight or flight takes over, decreasing their frustration tolerance.

Common Car Battle Scenarios and How to Help

Here are some common car battles that Heather has experienced or helped other families through, what reasons can be behind them, and what we can do to help.

When Toddlers Get Upset by a Change in Route

Reason: Loss of control

Our toddlers often start to notice the normal routes we take when we drive. Toddlers love familiar patterns and routines because it helps them feel more in control and safe in their environment. So if they notice that we are taking a different route, maybe planned or unplanned, they might feel suddenly unsafe and out of control and can get upset So what can we do if we have a screaming toddler in the backseat screaming about a route change?

What we can do: Heads up or warning, modeling calm

If we know a route change may trigger our toddlers, we can give them a simple heads up. This may sound like, “Hey, we are going somewhere new today and will be driving on different roads. Can you tell me what new things you see out of the window?”

If the route change is unexpected, even to us due to traffic or a roadwork detour, then talking it through and giving warnings even just a minute ahead of time can help ease our toddlers fears, especially if they notice we are stressed by the change too.

If we are not able to give a warning or our toddler is upset by the change despite our heads up, the best thing we can do is stay calm and acknowledge their disappointment. This may sound like saying, “You’re used to going the regular way. This is hard. It can be hard for Mommy too. I’m going to take a deep breath so I can get us home safely.”

By doing this, we model calmness to our toddler and often, over time, they learn how to have calmer responses just from seeing our own calm responses.

When Toddlers Refuse to Get Out of the Car

Reason: Tough transitions, overwhelm

Especially if our toddlers were already upset in the car, they may fight getting out of the car and moving to the next activity because they are overwhelmed.

What we can do: Create calming routines and time buffers

Creating a consistent calm down routine before getting out of the car and moving to the next thing can help our toddlers with this transition, especially if the car ride was emotionally hard for them. Maybe we can breathe together, sing a favorite song, give them a stress ball to squeeze, or give them choices like “do you want to climb out or have me help you? Do you want to be carried or walk by yourself?” Allowing some extra time for these routines is helpful so that we aren’t always rushing our emotional toddler.

When Toddlers Dislike the Car

Reason: Sensory overload, overwhelm

It can be so tough when our toddlers are upset in the car and scream and fight for the entire ride. If this is happening consistently without any clear triggers, these toddlers might be going through some sensory overload, feeling trapped, overwhelmed.

What we can do: Stay calm and try calming audio or offering comfort objects

Having special songs or calming stories to play in the car may help an overwhelmed toddler calm their nervous system. Offering comfort objects, such a stuffed animals, a blanket, or favorite toy, can help as well.

Sometimes, no matter what we do, our toddlers may still be overwhelmed by the car, and in these situations it is most important to stay calm and offer co-regulation through our words and calm tone: “I hear you. We are almost there. You are safe.”

When Toddlers Refuse to Get in the Car

Reason: Tough transitions, loss of control

Toddlers often do not want to stop what they are doing to get in the car, especially when they are in the middle of playing or having to leave a fun activity.

What we can do: Visual schedule, invite them into play, and let them have some control

Using a visual schedule or visual timer to remind our toddlers when it is time to leave and what comes next can help them mentally prepare for transitions. We can also use play, like inviting them to race or move like an animal, to gain cooperation, making going to the car fun instead of stressful. Lastly, we can let them be in charge of something, giving them some age appropriate control. Maybe they can climb into their seat by themselves, or buckle their own buckle. It may take longer, but when our toddler is able to have some control they are often more likely to cooperate with us.

When Toddlers Meltdown after School or Daycare Pickup

Reason: Unmet emotional needs, transitions

When our toddlers are away from us, they do their best to hold it all together, but they can end up carrying an emotional backpack that they unload on us when we pick them up. This can lead to a tough car ride home.

What can we do: Allow room for some downtime and keep expectations low

We want to be sure to connect with our toddler emotionally by acknowledging their emotions, how they worked hard, and how their body and mind are tired. We can then give space for some downtime. Even if it’s just a five minute snack break before getting in the car, taking a moment can help our toddlers process their emotions and reset for the rest of the day. We also might need to keep our expectations low, especially if they have had a long day and emotions are running high, so we aren’t putting more on them after a tough day.

When Toddlers Refuse to Be Buckled

Reason: Sensory overwhelm, loss of control

Some toddlers may fight being buckled into their car seat because they don’t like the feeling of being constrained. Maybe the buckle is too tight or rubbing uncomfortably. We can always check that their straps are sitting correctly and that we are loosening them when necessary as they grow. Adding in some extra pudding on the straps can also help if they are rubbing.

To help with loss of control, we can give our toddlers a job when they need to get buckled in. Maybe they can be in charge of holding the keys while they get buckled or can do the top clip while we do the bottom.

Sibling Conflict

Sometimes our toddler’s car battles happen with a sibling while stuck in close proximity. What can we do when we are driving and our toddlers’ start fighting with each other?

EXAMPLE – Kicking the seat

Having toddler twins, Heather knows how tough this can be. One of her toddlers was recently kicking the seat of the other and making his sibling upset to the point of a tantrum. As Heather couldn’t physically intervene while driving, she tried saying, “Stop kicking. Don’t do that. We don’t kick,” but it just seemed to make the behavior worse.

This is because just trying to stop the behavior all together is often not effective. Heather’s toddler was kicking for a reason, whether that was out of boredom, seeking sensory input, or testing reactions. We need some alternative tools we can use that will address those reasons.   

What Helps

• Setting clear expectations: If sibling conflict is a recurring struggle during drives, we can proactively address it by setting clear expectations before the car ride. We can be upfront with our toddlers and explain that it is important to keep feet and hands to themselves and not be too distracting to the driver so they can focus and drive safely. If safety really is an issue, be sure to pull over to take a pause and reset everyone before continuing on. Also, consider rearranging the car seats to allow more separation if possible.

• Offering alternative outlets: If our toddlers are seeking sensory input, we can offer an alternative outlet, like pushing against a cushion. We can say, “You’re feet are telling me they have lots of energy. Let’s find something safe to push instead.”

• Positive reinforcement: Positive reinforcement is a powerful and often underutilized tool. When our toddler’s feet are calm, or they are having a peaceful car ride, we can point it out and praise them. When we give our toddlers attention for positive behavior, they are much less likely to act out negatively just for attention. We want to reinforce the good they do, even if it’s small.

To Summarize: Proactive Car Battle Strategies 

• Have water and snacks handy when physical needs pop up
• Prepare our toddlers beforehand for transitions
• Use games, visual schedules, and choices to gain our toddler’s cooperation during tough transitions
• Set clear, upfront expectations about the plan, where we are going, and how to treat siblings in the car
• Keep a small bin of fidget toys or soothing transitions objects in the car
• Create a goodbye car ritual or hello car routine
• Keep expectations low during hard times
• Re-frame car battles as normal development, not a sign we are parenting wrong
• Focus on being calm and available when our toddlers are upset

Most, if not all toddlers go through car battles. Ours certainly did. But with these tools we are able to face whatever car battles pop up, whether they are triggered by any one of the common reasons or by all of them. Over time, our toddler’s brains mature and transitions like getting in the car get easier. But every time we show up with patience, we are wiring our toddler’s brains for safety and trust. Even these tough moments can grow us and our toddlers closer together.

If you’re struggling with toddler tantrums and behaviors like hitting and not listening, I have a free guide for you! It’s called the Tantrum and Behavior Guide: 7 Toddler Struggles and How to Solve Them Fast. Sign up for it here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Happy Toddler, Confident Parent Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting more tools along the way!