When our toddlers turn three, it can feel like they become little teenagers, bossing us around, not listening, and blowing up emotionally over little things. Heather has helped many parents of toddlers navigate this tricky stage, from increased meltdowns and defiance, to being rough with siblings and pets, fake crying, and intense screaming.

If this is your toddler too, you are not alone. We can sometimes wonder where this behavior is coming from, if they are testing us or trying to manipulate us. This age is a roller coaster of growing independence, emotions, and new skills and, while it can be overwhelming and confusing, it is normal.

In this post Heather walks us through the cognitive, lingual, and social developmental milestones of this age range, why emotions can feel so intense, and 10 common toddler struggles and how we can help our toddlers build the skills they need as they grow.

**Listen to the full podcast episode here or read on for the tips!

Developmental Milestones

Cognitive Development

At three and four years old, our toddlers are curious. They might constantly ask “why?” or ask “what would happen if” questions, which are ways their brains learn to problem solve and think flexibly. When we answer them thoughtfully and even wonder along with them, we grow their ability to learn.

At this age they also expand their understanding of concepts like same and different. They might sort things into categories, compare, and count. They often engage in deeper pretend play, follow multi-step directions, retell parts of stories, and even make up their own songs. They may also develop some common toddler fears, like imaginary monsters, because of their strong imaginations.

Language Development  

Between the age of three and four our toddlers’ word count can triple or quadruple. They start building longer sentences, linking thoughts with words like “because,” tell stories about their day, and answer more complex questions.

Physical Development

At this age our toddlers are growing their gross motor skills. They are more confident running, climbing, jumping, alternating feet, hopping, standing on one foot, riding a trike, and more. Their fine motor skills are also continuing to develop and they may be able to cut with child safe scissors, copy basic shapes, and even form some letters.

Social Emotional Growth

Our toddlers are always watching us and imitating us. At this stage, our toddlers may copy social skills like showing affection, wanting to play with friends more, and trying to cooperate and take turns. Especially closer to four, they also start developing empathy for others. But because their impulse control is still limited, they can still struggle with grabbing a toy or pushing when they are upset.

Why Emotions Feel so Intense

Developmental Reality

Our three and four year old’s emotions can sometimes seem larger than life. This is because their limbic system (the emotional center of their brain) is very active, whereas the prefrontal cortex (the center of logic and impulse control) is still maturing. This combination of highly active emotions and still developing self-control means that our toddlers feel every emotion intensely and can’t always pause to think before they act.

So when our toddler melts down over a broken cracker or yells no to everything, it’s actually not manipulation. It’s their developmental reality. They are still learning how to manage their intense emotions. Our toddlers can also struggle with what Heather calls the “picture perfect mindset.” When they see things going differently in their minds, they can feel intense disappointment and don’t know how to cope.

Knowing this developmental reality can help us shift our perspective from feeling like they are acting out on purpose to seeing their own overwhelm. Our toddlers are not trying to give us a hard time, they are having a hard time.

What We Can Do

We can help help our toddlers understand what they are feeling by naming the emotions that we see. Research shows that naming emotions actually helps calm the stress response and boosts self-control. When we are able to talk to them about their emotions, we strengthen communication and emotional intelligence, and can actually reduce impulsive reactions over time.

These intense emotions can also sometimes feel like they come in waves or cycles. Some days our child is regulated, calm, and able to handle disappointments with ease, while other days they meltdown over everything and nothing we do seems right. This back and forth can be so frustrating for us as parents, especially when we feel like our toddlers’ behavior is a reflection of our parenting, that every time they regress it’s somehow our fault. But this is very much normal toddler development, and knowing that can bring us more peace in our parenting.

So it’s not all on our shoulders. Our toddlers are ever growing and changing. What is really important is that we stay connected to them as they do.

10 Common Struggles and the Skills to Help

1. Transitions

Transitions are really hard for our toddlers. They struggle to stop an activity and move to a different one because their brains are wired to hyper focus on what feels good or safe in the moment. Change can feel scary.

Skills They Need

• Flexibility: Some toddlers are naturally more go with the flow than others, but the more we can talk through alternative plans and what if scenarios, the more comfortable they can become with change.
• Impulse control: This grows over time, but some simple ways to practice using that self-control muscle are playing games like “red light/green light” and “Simon says.”
• Predicting what comes next: Talk a lot about the order of events to help them understand sequencing. Phrasing events as “when/then” (i.e. “When we finish eating snack, then we will go to the park”) can really help as well as using a visual schedule to help them anticipate the flow of the day.

2. Waiting and Delayed Gratification

Waiting is tough for toddlers because they are still developing self-control. They are wired to live in the moment, making waiting feel impossible. They also struggle to grasp time and visualize the future.

Skills They Need

• Patience: Even adults struggle with patience. One way to help our toddlers grow their patience over time is to make time more concrete with a visual timer.
• Managing frustration: This too is a lifelong skill. We can help our toddler increase their tolerance for frustration slowly by allowing them to work at something hard without immediately jumping in to do it for them.
• Using distractions to cope: We can teach our toddler that they can find things to do while they wait to help the time pass. Maybe that means playing eye-spy or making up a song, or counting to ten!

3. Handling Big Emotions

When emotions are flying, our toddlers can’t always use words to tell us why they are upset, so they can be misunderstood.

Skills They Need

• Labeling emotions: We can teach them to name emotions by labeling them or reading books about them.
• Self soothing: We can help our toddlers learn to calm themselves down by identifying what activities are soothing to them, anything from hugging stuffed animals and squeezing a stress ball to listening to calming music or drawing.

4. Accepting No

Our toddlers naturally seek autonomy, so when we have to say no to something they want, they can feel like their independence is being taken away.  

Skills They Need

• Flexibility: Being able to accept things not going their way all the time is a skill. We can show them how to problem solve and adapt their plans to fit within our boundaries.
• Understanding rules: It is important that our toddlers understand that rules don’t change just because they protest them. When we are consistent, this helps them learn this and feel safe.
• Managing disappointment: To cope with disappointment, we can show our toddlers how to look to the bright side, finding something else they would like to do to help them move on.

5. Sharing and Turn Taking

Toddlers are very focused on their own needs so sharing can be hard, especially when it feels like they would be giving something away forever.

Skills They Need

• Empathy: We can help encourage empathy by drawing attention to what others might be feeling: “Wow, you shared and that made her so happy, she’s smiling!”
• Problem solving with peers: Being able to come up with turn taking plans or trade items can go a long way.
• Coping skills: We can show our toddler how to find a different toy to play with while they wait for their turn.

6. Listening and Following Multi-step Directions

A toddler’s working memory is limited and they can easily forget too many instructions. Toddlers can also be easily distracted by what they see and hear, so they might not fully listen to us if they are focused on other things.

Skills They Need

These skills are mostly development driven, so they come with time and practice:

• Increased attention span: To focus in when they need to.
• Processing language more quickly: Being able to hear and do.
• Sequencing actions: Knowing what to do when, like socks before shoes.

7. Calming Down Before Sleep

Our toddlers’ imaginations are expanding, leading to new fears and new thoughts that can be hard to regulate when they are tired.

Skills They Need

• Self soothing: Finding what works for our unique child is important. Some toddlers need very calming activities before bed while others need to get energy out in playful ways to be ready to sleep.
• Managing nighttime worries: Assuring your child that imaginative things are not actually real and comforting them with the knowledge that they are safe can really help.
• Transitions: Going from play to calm can be tricky. Having some special routines and trying to make bedtime tasks fun can help bedtime feel like an extension of play instead of an end to it.

8. Telling the Truth

Telling the truth can be hard at this age because their minds can blur fantasy and reality. Lying can actually be a form or wishful thinking and they don’t yet understand the impact of not being honest.

Skills They Need

• Honesty: We need to teach the importance of telling the truth.
• Accepting responsibility: We can create an environment where it is okay to make mistakes, but we all take accountability for them and make necessary repairs.
• Understanding consequences: We can so explain cause and effect consequences, like how it can be hard to trust someone who hasn’t been honest, even when they are telling the truth.

9. Handling Frustration When Things Don’t Work

Sometimes our toddlers want to do things they just aren’t able to yet because of their development, leading to frustration.

Skills They Need

• Perseverance: Keeping on trying even when it is hard.
• Asking for help: Knowing when to ask for help, and that asking for help is important.
• Calming down to try again: Knowing when it might be time to take a break, do something else, and try again later.

10. Feeling Left Out

Our toddlers naturally crave connection, but they don’t always know how to join in. If there is a new sibling, they might not know how to share a parent’s time and attention and feel left out.

Skills They Need

• Perspective taking: This is where empathy comes in, being able to put themselves in another shoes and say, “they didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, they just needed to feed the baby.”
• Coping with exclusion: If our toddlers feel left out of play with peers, they need to know they can come to us for help.
• Social problem solving: Being able to ask to play, vocalize wants and needs, and consider others are all important parts of social problem solving.

Every time our toddlers struggle in one of these areas, it doesn’t mean they are bad or we are failing. It means that we are seeing exactly where their brains are still under construction. This stage wont last forever. Our calm and consistent support is the bridge between where they are and where they are going to be.

If you’re struggling with toddler tantrums and behaviors like hitting and not listening, I have a free guide for you! It’s called the Tantrum and Behavior Guide: 7 Toddler Struggles and How to Solve Them Fast. Sign up for it here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Happy Toddler, Confident Parent Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting more tools along the way!