Does timeout with your toddler look more like a wrestling match than a calming moment? Does it turn it into a game where they laugh and run away? This reaction to timeout is more common than you might think, making timeout not very effective for many toddlers.

Heather has seen the struggle and shares five alternative strategies to deal with our toddlers’ behaviors that are actually more effective than timeout, helping us connect with our toddlers instead of getting pulled into a power struggle with them.

**Listen to the full podcast episode here or read on for the tips!

Signs Timeout is NOT Effective

If we have tried putting our toddlers in a traditional timeout to sit for an specific amount of time, but we fight them just to get them there or get them to stay, then time out might not be working for us or them.

Here are some common signs timeout is not effective:

• Laughing and running away
• Fighting you physically
• Not staying in timeout
• Acting like they understand, but continuing in the same behavior right after
• Timeout seems like a game, a way to get attention

These reactions to timeout are actually quite common because of where our toddlers are in their development. It is important to reflect on what our toddlers are really able to understand at their age and if timeout actually meets them where they are.

Why Timeout is Not Effective

Trying to fix our toddlers’ behavior with timeout is like trying to fix a leaky pipe with a bandaid. Putting a bandaid on a leaky pipe might stop the drip for a few seconds, but it does not address the root of the issue. The pipe is going to keep leaking.

Applying timeout to our toddlers’ behaviors can fail in the same way. A timeout might stop a behavior for a moment, but that behavior is going to keep popping up because we didn’t get to the root. This is why getting to the “why” behind our toddlers behavior is so important. If we treat all behavior the same, applying timeout every time our toddlers hit, throw, or talk back, we are applying a bandaid to many different leaks. When we instead get curious and figure out the root of those different behaviors, we can find better tools to address the real cause of the behavior.

We have to look at the tools we are using and decide if they are working, or if they are just burning us out. When we use strategies like timeout, boundaries, and even consequences without other teaching tools, they can often backfire and create a cycle of burnout. There are ways that we can still have boundaries and consequences, but we want to expand our toolbox to give us more options that we can reach for instead of jumping to them for everything.

Seven Reflection Questions

When we come to a situation where we would normally use a timeout, we can pause and use these questions to determine if that would really be best or if there is a better tool we could use instead.

1. What did they do?

What was the behavior? Maybe they hit their sibling. Maybe they took a toy away from another child. We know these behaviors are not appropriate and that we need to help our toddler make better choices.

2. Why did they do it?

This is where we pause to consider why our toddler acted the way they did. We may see one behavior, hitting, but many different reasons for it. Was our toddler frustrated, overstimulated, or wanting connection? Was the other child in their space or touching something they were playing with? We want to be mindful that these reasons all have different ways of solving them. Using one single consequence won’t get to the root of them all.

3. What skills are they missing?

When we see our child frustrated because another child is in their space or messing with their things, we need to ask ourselves if they know how to ask for space and set a boundary with their words instead of just hitting. Do they know they can say, “Please don’t touch that” or ask for an adult’s help? Most toddlers won’t know to do this on their own.

Toddlers are developmentally impulsive and physical. Their verbal skills and impulse control are just developing. They need us to step in and teach them what to do. Unless we give them other tools to practice, they will use the tools they have and jump to physical reactions.

4. Can a missing skill be taught during or after timeout?

It is important to identify if our toddler is in a state where they can reflect, learn, or apply a new skill in a moment of timeout. Some older toddlers can regulate quick enough that a moment alone might help them think, but for younger toddlers, ages one through four, this is often not the case.

Especially if timeout is a battle in and of itself, our toddlers are not going to be receptive to learning a new skill, calming down by themselves, or reflecting. If they are in a heightened state, their brain is offline. They can’t process what we are saying to them and may only pick up key words rather than the entire lesson we are trying to teach them.

5. What could we do instead once they are calm?

Once our toddlers are calm again, we can think about how best to teach them the skills they were missing. If we anticipate a behavior before it happens, we can also teach and remind them of certain skills before they might need to use them.

EXAMPLE

• If our toddler hit because someone was in their space, or struggles when others taking their things, we can tell them, “Next time you want space, you can say, ‘Space please,’ ‘Please don’t touch,’ or ‘I’m still playing.’ Let’s practice that together.”

6. How can we catch them doing it right?

We often get caught up in our toddlers’ negative behaviors, seeing all the things they didn’t do right, and forget to praise them for their small wins. Our toddlers are looking for our attention, and if they get more attention from us when they act out, then they are going to act out more. But what if we focused on the times they are doing the right thing? It may feel like there is nothing to praise, but if we look closely, we can see their baby step efforts. Maybe they didn’t willingly share a toy with a sibling, but they said “no” instead of hitting them. We can draw attention to that step in the right direction and encourage them to continue on. What we water with our attention grows.

7. What is our goal?

Is our goal compliance or growth? If we ultimately want our toddler to grow, then we need to remind ourselves that we are not just trying to stop bad behaviors, but are trying to teach our toddlers pro-social skills, communication, and boundaries. Growth in these areas is going to serve our toddlers as they move through childhood and even into their teenage and adult years.

5 Strategies Better Than Timeout

Strategy #1: Time-In with Presence

When our toddlers are upset and melting down, one of the best things we can do is just be a calm presence. We can remove them from a situation, but still stay with them through their emotions, giving them a time-in instead of a timeout. We can offer a hug, sit nearby, and say, “I’m here when you’re ready.” This helps them calm down through co-regulation, rather than making them work through emotions alone.

Recent studies conducted comparing time-in to timeout have found that time-in reduces aggressive behavior in preschool children more effectively than time out. These studies also found that time in more effectively improved self-regulation skills and pro-social skills (2019-2022 Child Development, Early Child Research and Practice, and Parenting Science and Practice). 

Strategy #2: Pre-Teaching

Before our toddlers get upset by a situation, we can teach them the proactive strategies they need and practice them. We can use visuals, social stories, or role playing, teaching our toddlers in the ways they best learn when they are calm.

Strategy #3: Redirection with Purpose

Trying to stop our toddlers’ behavior or energy in its tracks is not usually very effective, but we can redirect their behavior and channel their energy into more appropriate actions instead. This not only gives an outlet for their energy, it also gives them coping skills for different emotions.

EXAMPLES

• Instead of hitting a sibling when they are angry, they can hit a pillow
• Instead of throwing toys when they are upset, they can throw soft balls into a basket

Strategy #4: Connect Before Correct with Emotion Coaching

When we see our toddlers experiencing an emotion, we can label what they are feeling for them, teaching them that these feelings are normal. We can validate their disappointment, anger, frustration, or sadness by showing empathy, saying “it’s hard to wait” or “it’s sad to not get what you want.” This builds trust and grows emotional understanding and communication. We can also show them how to help their body get through certain emotions, teaching them some self-regulation skills, like stomping their feet when they are mad.

Strategy #5: Teach the Repair, Not Just the Rule

It’s important for our toddlers to understand that their actions have natural consequences, whether that means that a toy is broken or sibling has hurt feelings. We want to help them take responsibility for their actions by teaching them concrete ways they can make the situation better.

EXAMPLES

• We can ask them what they think they could do to help.
• They could do a kind act like cleaning up the mess, fixing something, or having a do-over.

Though our young toddlers have not yet developed full empathy or theory of the mind (not understanding how another person feels differently than them or how their actions affect others), they can still practice actions of repair. If, instead, we put them in timeout and tell them to say they are sorry, they don’t really learn anything except that they get removed and have to say words they don’t understand.

These five strategies are more powerful than timeout because they give our toddlers the skills they need to eventually stop their own behavior by themselves. Where timeout focuses on what not to do, these strategies focus on what to do instead. If we can teach our toddlers how to verbalize their feelings, practice communicating their wants and needs, practice coping strategies and better ways to channel their emotions, and repair when they need to, we are preparing them for life. We are helping them know how to navigate tough moments with support, not isolation.

If you’re struggling with toddler tantrums and behaviors like hitting and not listening, I have a free guide for you! It’s called the Tantrum and Behavior Guide: 7 Toddler Struggles and How to Solve Them Fast. Sign up for it here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Happy Toddler, Confident Parent Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting more tools along the way!