As the school year begins and our toddlers start daycare or preschool for the first time, we might find that the first day goes more smoothly than we thought it would, but that a few days in our toddlers suddenly have a harder time separating from us. This can catch us off guard, especially if we expected the clinging and the meltdowns on the first day and when they didn’t come we thought that maybe we dodged that bullet altogether. So when day four, or week two, is harder than the first, it can be discouraging and feel like our toddler is regressing.

The good news is that this is a very normal response to new experiences and there are many creative ways that we can help our toddlers through the drop off transition and ease their late separation anxiety while also increasing connection and trust.

**Listen to the full podcast episode here or read on for the tips!

Understanding Delayed Separation Anxiety

Real Life Examples

This type of delayed drop off meltdown happened with one of Heather’s twin toddlers on his fourth day of preschool. He and his brother had both had a great first few days with no hesitations at drop off, but now, four days in, one twin started to cling and become upset, not wanting Heather to leave. Her other twin, who was initially fine, began to pick up his brother’s anxiety and pull on his mom as well. This really took Heather by surprise, since they had done so well the previous three days.

Heather later was talking to a friend who shared that her son also had delayed separation anxiety and was struggling with drop off in his second week of preschool, after having a great first week. If this is you too, you are not alone.

Why Separation Anxiety Happens

So why do many toddlers struggle with late separation anxiety?

Not Ready?

Initially it might seem like they are not ready to be away from us for so long, which could be the case, but even children who have been comfortable with babysitters and have worked up to longer stretches of time away from their parents can struggle with drop offs and new routines. Heather had also prepared her toddlers ahead of time with lots of social stories and conversations about school and they were ready and excited, but they still struggled a few days in.

Processing Change

Most of the time, this delayed reaction actually comes from the reality of the new normal setting in, from their world changing, not just for a day or two, but for much longer. That first day or first week, everything is new and fun, but after a while the novelty wears off and they realize this is a new routine and they aren’t sure how they feel about it. Their entire world has changed. We can talk to them about the change and prepare them for it as much as possible, but they won’t know what it feels like until they actually live it, and that can be hard. Neither of us can always predict what emotions will come up during big transitions like this.

We intuitively understand this because we can feel the same way when going through big changes in our own lives. This is how I felt becoming a parent for the first time. I wanted to be as prepared as possible for pregnancy, birth, and caring for an infant, so I read as many books as I could and took all the classes, but none of those great resources prepared me for how being a parent would really feel. Only living it showed me that.

It is the same with our toddlers and the big changes they go through, which is why it is important that we connect with them and help them through these emotions as they come up. This late anxiety does not mean they have regressed. They are not losing a skill they already had. They are just processing their new reality, which takes some time.

Creative Solutions for Drop-Off Challenges

Most of us probably know the common tips for getting through separation anxiety challenges, like quick goodbyes, not lingering too long, or using validation so our toddlers know we see them. But if you’ve tried those and the dynamic does not seem to change, there are a few other creative ways to help our toddlers feel safe and more peaceful during these big transition times that only take a few minutes, but can have a big impact.

Jobs of Connection

We can ease our toddler’s anxiety around being away from us by encouraging activities for them to do to connect with their teacher at the time of drop off. Instead of clinging to Mom, they can feel embowered to connect with others around them and have fun doing it. Here are four activities that can encourage this.

1. Something Small to Share: We can give our toddlers the job of sharing something special about themselves and what they like with their teacher or peers, like a special sticker, drawing, small item, temporary tattoo, or bracelet that they have that day. Maybe they get to choose the item, maybe we bond with them by giving something to them, or maybe we draw a heart on their hand. Whatever it is, they get to share it at school which helps them bond with their teacher and peers.
2. An Artist Gift: We can also have our toddlers draw a picture, color a page, or put stickers on a paper for their teacher, giving them something to tell their teacher about, but also give as a gift. This encourages small positive interactions. Even a simple, “Look what I made!” / “Wow, I love it!” exchange goes a long way.
3. Color Collector Mission: At drop off, we can give our child a “look and find” mission. This shifts their focus from fear to discovery. We can tell them to look for a specific color or an item that they can point out to us right then or tell us about later, or that they can point out to their teacher when they find it.
4. A Secret Handshake: We can come up with a special handshake to do with our toddlers at drop off and pick up, adding in a moment of fun, energetic connection before they transition to the next thing. Maybe it’s a silly handshake that helps them laugh, lowering tension and strengthening our bond. Maybe the teacher sees and can join in the fun too.

These four creative connections can help our toddlers bridge the gap between home and school, easing the transition and helping them bond with their teacher and peers as well as with us. By shifting their focus toward curiosity, play, and bonding with teacher and peers, we help them naturally shift away from having to cling to us harder. Having either something to look at from home, whether we gave it to them or they chose it or made it, or having a fun drop off routine to remember, can go a long way in slowly easing their separation anxiety when it pops up. It’s all part of the journey, and our consistent encouragement will build their resilience over time.

If you’re struggling with toddler tantrums and behaviors like hitting and not listening, I have a free guide for you! It’s called the Tantrum and Behavior Guide: 7 Toddler Struggles and How to Solve Them Fast. Sign up for it here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Happy Toddler, Confident Parent Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting more tools along the way!