When most of us think of what it means for a child to be a good listener, we probably think of a child who follows directions quickly, quietly, and without pushback, not just one who hears. But this “ideal” is actually compliance, and there is a big gap between a child hearing an instruction and following through. When parents view listening as compliance, they can burn themselves out trying to make their toddlers do what they say. This is because most toddlers don’t make the jump from hearing to doing immediately. Listening as compliance leaves no room for a child to think for themselves, ask questions, or problem solve on their own.

But there is a better way to view listening, one that teaches our toddlers a life long skill and strengthens the parent child relationship—a win-win! What we really should guide our toddlers towards is cooperation, not just compliance. Heather wants to help us understand the difference so that we can be the bridge that helps our toddlers connect hearing to action so that they can learn to work collaboratively with us and others.

In this post you will find:

• The downsides and hidden costs of compliance
• The importance and benefits of cooperation
• How to teach the skill of cooperation
• Helpful examples and application

**Listen to the full podcast episode here or read on for the tips!

The Downside of Compliance

On the outside, compliance looks like good behavior, but the problem is that pure compliance lacks connection and true cooperation. When children are trained to comply, they might seem calm and controlled on the outside, but inside their nervous systems have just learned to shut down instead of regulate. They have learned that being calm means never showing what they actually feel. This is not the kind of “calm” we want for our children in the long run.

The Importance of Cooperation

Cooperation, on the other hand, grows our relationships with our toddlers. When we teach our children to cooperate, we acknowledge that they have a choice. They can voice their very real feelings and opinions and we will hear them out, teaching them how to hear us out as well. We show them how they can have their own thoughts and feelings, and still choose to cooperate with us. They learn how to share and regulate their emotions and return to calm, not just shutting them down and bottling them up.

These are the kinds of skills we want our toddlers to have as they grow and the kind of relationship we want to foster. We should be a safe place for them to come, knowing they can trust us with their emotions and thoughts and that we will always hear them out, even if we don’t agree. That connection matters.

The “How” of Cooperation

Before we can help our toddlers cooperate, we need to understand what cooperation is and what it isn’t. True cooperation isn’t about control, it’s about a connection that balances give and take. Our toddlers are often going to need to adjust for us, but we also should take them into consideration and adjust for them. This back and forth is how children actually learn what cooperation feels like. If they never know what it feels like, they may never learn how to initiate cooperation with us and with others.

Understanding this give and take of cooperation can help us adapt what we say and how we say it to seeking connection and buy-in rather than expect immediate compliance.

EXAMPLES

• Listening as Compliance: We say to our toddler, “It’s time to leave the park. Let’s go,” expecting them to just drop what they are doing and leave and get frustrated when they don’t.

• Listening as Cooperation: We can say, “It’s time to leave the park. Do you want to push the stroller or carry the bag?” This is more than just giving our toddlers a choice, it’s inviting them into action, giving them a way to participate and make a choice. It shows our toddlers that our decisions are not an “us vs. them,” but that we can work together as a team.

• Give and take: When we have to leave, like in the examples above, maybe we tell our toddler to hold our hand and walk to the car, but they don’t want to hold our hand. This could be taken as “not listening” because they didn’t do exactly what we said, but if our toddler is still walking with us to the car safely, they are still cooperating with us. Maybe they just wanted the autonomy to walk by themselves, but they are still choosing to move toward your common goal. This is part of the give and take of negotiation, not defiance. There are many ways to reach the same goal.

Cooperation grows in the space between our needs and our toddlers’ needs. When we make that space safe by offering choices, respect, and connection, we’re teaching them how to meet people halfway. It’s a skill that builds the foundation for empathy, problem-solving, and teamwork later on.

The Effects of Listening as Compliance vs. Cooperation

Zooming out, how does viewing listening as compliance verses listening as cooperation impact our toddler’s development over time?

The Compliance Track

When parents rely on threats (like “If you don’t come right now I’m leaving without you”) children may obey in the moment, but they start attaching deeper meaning to the interaction that parents may not have intended. While the parents may think that they are just imposing consequences that teach a lesson and help their children make the right choices, the children often don’t come away thinking about the lessons the parents wanted them to learn. Instead, they can end up internalizing the feeling that they can’t do anything right, and that becomes their identity.

They may start to think they are a bad child if they do not comply, or that they can lose the love of their parent if they don’t listen. They may feel shame and beat themselves up for every mistake. They may hide their mistakes, quietly rebel, and people please to keep the peace.

Though we can’t control every meaning our children attach to our interactions, we can make a few intentional changes to how we say things that have the potential to make a positive difference in their lives.

The Cooperation Track

Instead of resorting to threats, what if a parent says, “You don’t want to leave the park, I know. It’s hard to stop playing. But it’s time to go. Do you want to hold my hand or walk by yourself?” A child that is given this kind of empathy and choice learns that their feelings are normal, that they are safe, and that they can make a choice.

Down the road, they understand that mistakes are part of learning and there is no reason to feel shame and hide. They don’t need to people please, they can speak up for their needs and ask for help. They problem solve and collaborate with others. They don’t crumble under criticism; they adapt. That’s regulation in action. They aren’t perfect, they are resilient.

When we lead with connection, we give our children a chance to build well rounded identities, not ones that are crushed by guilt and shame when they aren’t perfect. The voice we use to talk to them often becomes their inner voice. We want our children to not just learn to follow rules because they fear disapproval, but because they know their value. The cooperative child can grow into an adult who navigates relationships, handles feedback, and works as a part of the team without losing their sense of self.

The Hidden Cost of “Good Listening”

As a culture and a society, the hidden cost of viewing “good listening” as compliance above all else may be bigger than we realize. Compliance puts the focus on doing what we are told, even when it doesn’t feel right. This teaches us to tune out our inner voices and push down what we actually think and feel, leading to unhealthy emotional states.

It is good to remember that when we tune into our children’s seemingly small needs and concerns now, we are setting a foundation for them to trust us with their bigger needs later on.

EXAMPLE

• Maybe we are all out trick-or-treating and our toddler doesn’t want to participate. They say they are scared or that something doesn’t feel right for them. If we push them to ignore those feelings and focus on how “everyone else is doing it, everyone else is fine,” we aren’t really teaching them how to calm down or overcome something hard, we are teaching them that what everyone else is doing matters more than how they feel.
• Down the road, when our child is a teenager facing peer pressure, they may hear that same argument, that “everyone is doing it, its fine,” even when they feel unsafe or they know it’s not the right thing to do. If they have spent their whole life being told that being “good” and being liked means overriding their own discomfort to keep the peace, they are not likely to stand up for themselves, stand up to their friends, and do that actual right thing.

Listening as compliance can be a very slippery slope, leading to places parents may have never intended. Ultimately we want kids who can listen and still stay connected to themselves, who can set boundaries with others when things don’t feel right and know that they are still loved.

So the next time our toddlers push back on a request, instead of thinking “they won’t listen,” try asking, “How can we join in the plan together?” That is real cooperation. That is what will help our toddlers grow to be people who listen to others and listen to themselves.

If you’re struggling with toddler tantrums and behaviors like hitting and not listening, I have a free guide for you! It’s called the Tantrum and Behavior Guide: 7 Toddler Struggles and How to Solve Them Fast. Sign up for it here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Happy Toddler, Confident Parent Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting more tools along the way!