Has your toddler ever been calm one moment and then absolutely unhinged the next? Chances are, the answer is yes. Toddlers are known for their extreme emotional swings, going from 0 to 100 in about three seconds. When these swings happen, they can throw us for a loop. In our own frustration, we tend to respond only to the behavior right in front of us, but Heather wants to help us see that there is more going on underneath the surface.

If we look deeper, we can see that our toddlers aren’t misbehaving, they are actually unanchored. Their nervous systems have slipped out of control like a boat tossed wildly by a storm in the open ocean. When we understand this reality, we stop fighting the moment, see the state they are in for what it is, and move forward by steering them towards calmer waters where they can be anchored again. If you want to learn how to really guide your frenzied toddler to calm, read on!

In this post you will find:

• What’s really underneath our toddler’s wild, unachored behavior
• Effective strategies to change our toddler’s state
• Real life examples
• How we can parent from a place of support instead of control

**Listen to the full podcast episode here or continue on for the tips!

The Real Issue Behind Misbehavior

When our toddlers are melting down, refusing things, pushing, whining, or going absolutely wild, we usually think they are misbehaving, not listening, and being defiant. But when we see their behavior this way, we assume they are doing these things to us on purpose. What is actually going on, though, is a bit more complex.

When our toddlers get into these wild states, their nervous systems have actually become unanchored, overwhelmed, and overstimulated. Maybe they are tired or hungry, or something didn’t go their way and things have been unpredictable. When our toddlers’ systems are overloaded with these types of external and internal stresses, they don’t know what to do. They don’t yet know how to identify their stressors and regulate themselves, so they become dysregulated and their behavior follows. Their physical and emotional brain state drives their behavior, not discipline or not logic.

State Drives Behavior

To illustrate this, think of the commercials and adds that we see daily. Are they most often using logic and reasoning to get us to buy things, or are they pulling at our emotions? Most of them make no logical arguments at all, but instead appeal directly to our senses, our emotions, to change our state and make us want to buy their products.

The creators of advertisements understand the fact that influencing a person’s state can effectively drive their behavior. But as parents, we can often fall into thinking that discipline through logic and lectures is the only way to get our toddlers to change, when really that might not be the most effective way to guide them, especially in emotional moments. Our toddlers need us to understand what advertisers do, that state drives behavior. Changing our toddler’s state is the key to getting them through their behavior.

Effective State Change Strategies

A state change is any shift in an environment or in the body that resets the nervous system. So when our toddlers become dysregulated and overstimulated, expressing that in wild, violent, or chaotic behavior, we want to reduce stimuli so their nervous systems can quiet itself, rebalance, and come back online. This is why many upset toddlers calm down as soon as they go outside or to a different room. Here are some other effective ways to change our toddlers’ states:

Environmental Resets

• going from a loud place to a quiet spot
• a busy room to a calm room
• inside to outside
• downstairs to upstairs
• opening a window
• bright lights to dim lights

Sensory Resets

• hands under cold or warm water
• drinking something cold or warm
• bath or shower
• sensory play
• connection reset such as a hug, sitting in a lap, reading a book, or rocking and swaying

Rhythm Resets

• soft music
• dance break
• humming or singing
• tapping out a rhythm

These are not just distractions or things we can do to try to make our toddlers “calm down,” they are nervous system interventions, things that can actually reset their state so that they can calm back down. This is how our toddlers learn to regulate.

Example #1: Closed Environment to Open

Back when Heather was a preschool teacher, before she had her twins, she remembers one situation where a little girl was throwing toys towards another child in an area that was small and closed off. She was clearly dysregulated and the other child was at risk of getting hurt. Instead of trying to correct her logically in that moment with “we don’t throw toys, that’s not safe,” Heather quickly and gently moved her out of that space and moved her to a more open area. The moment the girls environment changed, her emotions settled. She was able to get calm again, not because of anything Heather said, but because Heather was able to change her state by moving her from one place to another, from a closed in space to an open one.

Example #2: Downstairs to Upstairs

Similarly, one of Heather’s twin sons recently has been getting stuck in an unanchored state of dysregulation after dinner where he tends to run around with wild energy, throwing, bumping, and being generally out of control, creating an unsafe environment for everyone. Heather knew she needed to set a boundary around his behavior, but just telling him “no” over and over or trying to lecture him would get them stuck in a power struggle. Sometimes we can suggest ways to redirect our toddler’s energy, like throwing balls instead of toys, but we can also use changing environments to change states.

Heather decided to hold the boundary that he would need to go upstairs and start his bath time routine if he could not calm his body down. So when he continued to be chaotic, she came in and quietly carried him upstairs. Once he was there getting ready for his bath, his body calmed right down. Going from downstairs to upstairs, from free time to a calming routine, was the reset his body needed.

What Our Toddlers Really Need

We often think our toddlers need consequences to learn to regulate their behavior, and while it is true that consequences are important and necessary, the most effective consequences are the natural ones that are actually influencing our toddler’s brain state. In Heather’s interactions with her preschool student and her own toddler, removal from the environment was a consequence, but it was one that changed the toddlers’ environments and so helped to change their states. Often the key is not the script or the lecture afterwards, it’s about the change in state.

Because of where they are in their development, our toddlers cannot identify their own dysregulation. This can even be a hard thing for adults to do! But the more we come alongside our toddlers, identify their dysregulation for them, and guide them towards a solution, the more they will be able to this for themselves as they grow and their nervous system matures. Though they may not be able to ask for a break or space when they are getting overstimulated until they are closer to kindergarten age, it’s still a skill we can lay the foundation for and practice with even the youngest of toddlers.

As parents, our leadership isn’t about control, it’s about support. When we are able to read our toddler’s state and move them towards changing it instead of just reacting to their surface behaviors, we are teaching them foundational skills for the rest of their lives. By making this shift, we also get ourselves and our toddlers out of what Heather calls the toddler reactivity loop of power struggles. By disengaging ourselves from this loop, we remove ourselves from being able to be power struggled with so the struggle can die down. When we guide our toddlers to reset and change their state, we can regain cooperation and build trust. That’s powerful parental leadership.

Free Guide!

If you’re struggling with toddler tantrums and behaviors like hitting and not listening, Heather has a free guide for you! It’s called the Tantrum and Behavior Guide: 7 Toddler Struggles and How to Solve Them Fast. Sign up for it here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Happy Toddler, Confident Parent Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting more tools along the way!