Have you noticed that your toddler sometimes says no to things they usually love, something they just asked for, or even things that don’t make sense to say no to? If you are stuck in a cycle where your toddler is saying no to you at every turn and you don’t know why or what to do, this post is for you.

The truth is that not all toddler no’s are created equal. They don’t all come from the same place or mean the same thing, and it is important to know the difference. Heather is here to help us understand each different type of no and the situation surrounding it so that we can better respond to our toddlers and gain their cooperation and trust.

In this post you will find:

• The seven types of toddler no’s
• The root causes of each
• Practical strategies for how to best respond so you can break out of the cycle

**Listen to the full podcast episode here or read on for the tips!

The 7 Types of NO’s

Sometimes as parents we can get stuck treating similar behaviors the same way. When our toddlers say “no” to us, it can trigger the same reaction every time. The problem is that a “no” to putting on shoes is not the same as a “no” to leaving the park, and a “no” to sharing is not the same as a “no” to brushing teeth. A “no love mommy” might not be a behavior problem, but rather an emotional test of safety. If we don’t decode the kind of no we are getting and get to the real root of the issue, we might end up responding in unhelpful ways that may escalate the very power struggle we want to end.

So what are the seven types of toddler no’s and their different root causes?

Autonomy and Predictability No’s

#1: The Transition No

When our toddlers don’t want to move from one activity or place to the next, they are struggling with a transition. Their no to leaving the park, turning off the TV, and stopping their play to get in the car all likely mean they aren’t ready to move on.

Root Causes: Predictability and Closure

Toddlers want to understand what’s happening before they move on, but they need that information given to them in a way they can understand when they are also emotionally available to listen. This often is not right as we are leaving or the moment we turn off the TV, but rather sometime before when they are calm.

What we can do:

• Prep our toddlers before the outing or activity with how and when it will end
• Show them the order of events with a visual calendar or visual aids
• Use a countdown or visual timer
• Have a leaving ritual that builds in autonomy, like picking one last thing to do before moving on to the next thing

#2: Routine No

A toddler who is refusing to brush teeth at bedtime, get in the bath, get dressed in the morning, or other everyday tasks is likely struggling with routines.

Root Cause: Autonomy

Though toddlers need predictability, sometimes routines feel restrictive and they crave some independence and control. When they sense their control is being taken from them, they can fight against it and get into a refusal of routine power struggle.

What we can do:

• Add in small ways for them to exert some choice or control over normal routines, like choosing their own clothing, bath toys, or toothpaste flavor
• Use playfulness in the routines, like singing the steps of the routine, using funny voices, or playing silly games
• Create motivating rituals, like picking a book to read together or special song to listen to after brushing teeth

Routines with our toddlers often run much more smoothly when they feel they are actively involved in them, even in small ways. 

Emotional Safety and Connection No’s

#3: Social No’s

These are the no’s that come from our toddler when they are asked to share, wait, take turns, or play by group rules.

Root Causes: Emotional Regulation and Skill Building

Because toddler’s brains and social abilities are still developing, this type of “no” really means “I can’t do this yet.” They aren’t trying to be defiant or rude, they are just unskilled.

EXAMPLES

• Sharing requires impulse control
• Waiting requires frustration tolerance
• Turn taking requires perspective taking and forward thinking

What we can do:

• Identify the emotional regulation areas and skills our toddlers struggle with
• Build up to the big skills by breaking them down into smaller skills, like using short turn taking games to practice longer turn taking
• Make time and waiting more concrete with visual timers and cues
• Teach our toddlers phrases they can use to ask for a turn (“My turn next!”)
• Use social stories, model, and role play

#4: Connection No

When our toddlers say “no hug,” “go away” or “no love mommy,” they are expressing connection no’s. Heather has two other podcast episodes that dive deeper into decoding these types of no’s titled “What ‘No,’ ‘Go Away,’ and Other Toddler Phrases Actually Mean” and “How Your Child’s Hurtful Words Reveal the #1 Thing You Need Most,” so if you are struggling to understand what your toddler really means or what you can do when they lash out in these ways, definitely check those out.

Root Causes: Attachment Calibration and Testing

These types of no’s can feel like rejection from our toddler, but they are really testing emotional safety, seeing how far our love will really go, how far can they pull away and still be loved. They subconsciously want to know if we will be steady even when they are losing it.

What we can do:

• Continue to be a warm, steady presence
• Communicate that we hear they are upset or they need space, but that we will always be there for them when they are ready
• Say a comforting truth like, “I love you always, even when you are having a hard time.”

Processing Power and Capacity No’s

#5: Cognitive Load No

This no often comes after we give lots of instructions back to back, like “grab your shoes, get your water bottle, and wait by the door.”

Root Cause: General Overwhelm

In these moments our toddler may be struggling with multi-step directions, having too many things to keep in their minds, and too many things they are trying to do at once. All the instructions and directions are overloading their brain.

What we can do:

• Scale back to one or two step directions and check in with them as they do them
• Use visual reminders instead of only verbal ones to help keep them on track without as much verbal overwhelm
• Chunk tasks and lower our own expectations

#6: Sensory Fatigue No

When our toddlers struggle when they need to wash their hair, wash hands, be in loud or crowded environments, or put on certain items of clothing, they may be experiencing sensory overwhelm.

Root Cause: Sensory Sensitivities

Not all toddlers who give these types of no’s are sensory avoidant, but many are and can also be more sensitive and reactive.

What we can do:

• Allow for comfort based choices, like picking a softer shift if they think theirs is itchy
• Reduce sensory overload by cutting off bothersome tags or taking a break from loud environments when needed
• Normalize preferences and come up with plans to get through daily tasks, like making up a silly game to get through hair washing or having a code word for needing space from others

There are definitely ways that we can still respect our toddlers no’s and how certain things make them feel while also helping them to build more resilience and tolerance without pushing them too much. Exposing them to little doses of the sensory experiences they don’t love when they are in better moods and pulling back when they are struggling can be helpful.

#7: Fatigue and Regulation No

These types of no’s are the ones we see most often at the end of the day or when our toddlers are overtired or hungry resulting in bedtime battles, food struggles, car seat fights, or cleaning up refusals.

Root Cause: Nervous System Depletion

When our toddlers feel taxed and maxed out, they have nothing left to give and so resort to refusing everything. Their tank is empty and every request feels too big.

What we can do:

• Lead with connection first through co-regulating
• Slow down transitions
• Keep expectations realistic for these specific times of day

When we learn to decode our toddlers no’s, we reach for the strategies that will actually meet their needs and help them best. Instead of grasping at straws, we can have a box full of precision tools that we can reach for. This is how we gain our toddlers’ cooperation without a battle and how we can build trust and confidence in our relationship with them.

Free Guide!

If you’re struggling with toddler tantrums and behaviors like hitting and not listening, Heather has a free guide for you! It’s called the Tantrum and Behavior Guide: 7 Toddler Struggles and How to Solve Them Fast. Sign up for it here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, an educator for ten years turned twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her Happy Toddler, Confident Parent Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting more tools along the way!