Redirecting Toddler Aggression With Games!

Does your toddler go to hit you or a sibling seemingly out of nowhere? Do they sometimes pause and look right at you before they do, and even smile? They are definitely testing boundaries. But do you find that when you react with a sharp “No!” they still do the behavior anyway and even do it more? How can we help our toddlers stop hitting and figure out why they are hitting in the first place?

Read on for some strategies and stories that will help you assess your toddler in these moments of aggressive attention-seeking behavior and redirect them to a positive interaction.

**Listen to the full podcast episode here.

In this episode, Heather describes a situation where her toddler, who is not usually aggressive, started to playfully test hitting with her. He would go to hit, but then pause and look to her to see her reaction. It looked like he was definitely testing boundaries and seeking attention.

The “Why” Behind the Behavior

When we see challenging and confusing behavior like this, it is important to take a moment and look for the why behind the behavior.

All toddler hitting is not equal. For example, a toddler may hit out of frustration, sadness, anger, to get attention, or even to initiate play. An approach to help a toddler stop hitting out of anger is going to be very different than an approach to help a toddler not hit when initiating play. This particular strategy is not one to use in the middle of a meltdown, for instance. The key is knowing your toddler and assessing the environment and situation as a whole.

When she took a step back, Heather realized that her other twin had been getting more of her attention lately, being held and asking for lots of hugs and cuddles, leaving a lot less of her attention for his brother. It was clear to her that the hitting was a cry for attention, because often any attention will do, even if it is negative attention.

In cases of negative attention seeking, we want to try to give our toddlers the attention they are asking for but shift it to a positive interaction instead of a negative one. Instead of reacting with just a statement of the boundary aiming to stop them in their tracks, we can shift their energy with a playful redirection.

The Strategy: Connection through Games

Because Heather knew her toddler was looking for attention, she decided to give him connection. As he paused to see her reaction, preparing to hit with a smile on his face, she offered him two choices:

1. Do you want to play a game?
2. Or do you want to cuddle?

He chose a game every time. The game she came up with for this interaction was a simple high five clapping game, redirecting the hands that were about to hit to doing high fives instead.

By shifting the interaction from a negative one to a positive one, Heather was also able to praise her toddler for making a good choice, the choice to play a game instead of hit. The more we can encourage, teach, and practice these positive ways to ask for connection, the more our toddlers will be able to use them instead of falling back on the negative behaviors. Using a strategy like this keeps you, the parent, the calm leader and guide in this situation.

More Stories and Positive Games to Try

This approach has helped me navigate similar situations in my own parenting. My oldest boy loves to roughhouse and has always been very physical and sensory seeking. He often is too rough with his middle brother but thinks the whole interaction very fun where his brother expresses the exact opposite.

When I see my oldest start to go after his brother, either in a playful or teasing way, I almost always offer a physical game that he can ask to play with me first to help him redirect his energy away from rough play with his brother. This often sounds like “Hey, remember you can ask for high fives instead!” Or, “Looks like you want to crash. Go find your crashing couch!”

Some examples of replacement behaviors I’ve encouraged are:

1. High fives instead of hitting
2. Jumping game or dance party instead of kicking
3. Pushing against my hands instead of pushing his brother
4. Crashing into pillows or cushions instead of wrestling and shoving (we have a “crashing couch” made out of pillows, blankets, and a play couch for this purpose)

Some more examples of physical games to try:

• Head, shoulders, knees and toes
• Red light green light
• Jumping on a trampoline
• Squeezing a stress ball
• Kicking a ball outside

Like in Heather’s story, my middle boy shows more of the attention seeking behavior when I have been busy with his brothers or am not giving him the connection he wants. Because he seeks physical affection rather than games, I always offer him a hug to help him shift from negative to positive. Instead of roughhousing activities, I offer to play a hugging game with him. Sometimes his older brother joins in and it becomes both physical affection for my toddler and a fun turn taking activity for both of them that sparks laughter and lifts everyone’s mood!

The game goes like this:

• I say I will give 10 hugs and hold them for one second corresponding to the number of the hug.
• For the first hug I give a squeeze and count to 1. For the second hug I hold them and count to 2 and so on.
• I help them take turns all the way up to 10.
• By the end everyone is giggling and we can use that positive momentum to move forward with our day.

Don’t underestimate the power of a good hug and a good laugh!

As Heather says at the end of the episode, these strategies are great to try as redirection in the moment when you notice these types of aggressive attention seeking behaviors popping up. But just these strategies alone may not stop this behavior entirely.

If you are still dealing with this type of boundary testing and other aggressive behaviors, there may be more that needs to be addressed with more proactive tools. For a deep dive into the skills to teach your toddler that will lead them away from testing boundaries in this way, join Heather’s next live workshop!

**Sign up for the Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast videos on YouTube while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, a twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in an earlier Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey, collecting more tools along the way!