If you have a strong willed child who is pushing all your buttons, fighting you over every little thing, and leaving you to clean up the mess, you are not alone. A toddler who talks back, does not listen, and gets physically violent is enough to make any parent lose their cool.

So what can an exhausted parent do? In this episode Heather helps us look past the frustrating behaviors to see some of the temperament traits underneath. When we are able to understand our child’s inner workings, both the struggles and the strengths, we are better able to make changes that will actually help our toddlers. 

**Listen to the podcast episode here, or keep reading for the insights!

Characteristics of a Strong Willed Child

Children who are strong willed share a few common characteristics.

1. Determination
2. Persistence
3. Assertiveness
4. Independence
5. Confidence

These characteristics can lead to frustrating behaviors such as:

1. Engaging in power struggles
2. Pushing boundaries
3. Being on their own time
4. Resisting authority
5. Wanting their own way

EXAMPLE

We can see these characteristics and behaviors play out in an example of two three year old twins, Jax and May, going to preschool for the first time.

• May is excited for preschool, but Jax is not.
• Jax resists going to preschool and even starts to refuse to go places he once enjoyed, like the park and his grandmother’s house.
• Mom is fighting to get him to cooperate and Jax is digging his heals in even more.

The Roller Coaster of Toddler Parenting

When a toddler, like Jax, shows these strong willed characteristics, he may be going through a developmental phase. At three years old, toddlers are naturally seeking independence, wanting to have a say, and pushing back more. Their critical thinking skills are growing as well as their ability to communicate their opinions. These new capabilities combined with their still maturing emotional regulation system can fuel frustrating meltdowns and tantrums.

If you have any toddlers in this stage, maybe they say “No!” when asked to do something, or do the opposite of what was asked. Maybe they fight every routine with tantrums, from getting dressed in the morning to brushing teeth at night. Maybe they are struggling with transitions, refusing to leave favorite places like the park or a friend’s house. Maybe they are struggling with physical aggression, hitting, pushing, and throwing when their brain goes offline. Maybe you try to hold boundaries with consequences, but they don’t care and it seems like they are not learning the lessons you are trying to teach them. They are upset over everything and everything feels like an emergency.

This is the roller coaster of toddler parenting. It is challenging for any parent to navigate.

If Jax’s struggle with preschool is mostly developmental, he may benefit from delaying preschool another year and starting when he is four. But his resistance might not be just developmental. It could also be linked to his unique personality and driving needs.

Giving More Autonomy

So how can we help a strong willed child like Jax?

One way is to give more age appropriate autonomy. Strong willed children have a driving need to feel in control of things in their life. If we can give them opportunities to make their own small choices within the bigger choices we have made for them, they will get to feel a small sense of autonomy, satisfying that need to feel some control.

EXAMPLE

You will not be able to give your toddler choices over everything. They will not be able to choose what time to leave for school or who their teacher will be, but there are other areas where they can make some age appropriate choices like:

• Picking out the color backpack and lunchbox for school
• Choosing what shirt or shoes to wear
• Choosing the snack for the day from a few set options

Nurture the Positives

Another way we can help our strong willed children is to look at the positive side of their sometimes difficult nature and ask ourselves, “What qualities can I nurture?”

When we take a long view, we see that many of the traits that make us want to pull our hair out when our children are toddlers are traits that, when nurtured and full grown, are going to serve them well in adulthood. Strong willed adults are often leaders, independent thinkers, and problem solvers. We want to help guide our children to understand their own unique strengths and needs so that they can navigate their lives, grow, and thrive.

Toddler Temperament Traits

To help you more deeply understand your child’s strengths and needs, Heather shares four temperament traits that she has identified that help make up our toddler’s unique personalities.

1. Frustration Tolerance: The ability to handle frustration.
2. Emotional Response: The intensity of an emotional outburst.
3. Routine Adaptability: The ability to be flexible in different situations.
4. Distractibility: Whether the child is focused or more easily distracted.

Each of these traits range from high to low. Here is where a typical strong willed child may land:

1. Low Frustration Tolerance: They are more easily frustrated by normal struggles.
2. High Intensity Emotional Response: They seem to get overly emotional over minor things.
3. Low Routine Adaptability: They crave a rigid routine and are less flexible. They might struggle with transitions more.
4. High Distractibility: They are easily distracted, don’t seem to pay attention to instructions, and can be clumsy.

Teaching Skills

Children who struggle in these areas sometimes are labeled the problem child, the troublemaker, or are seen as being difficult or naughty. But if we can peel back those labels and see these traits as areas for growth, then we can focus on teaching the skills that these children are struggling with.

EXAMPLES

1. Help a child build frustration tolerance by coaching him through small frustrations and reinforcing the positives of the experience.
2. Show a child how to take deep breaths to help regulate his emotions or help him ask for a hug when he starts to go down that spiral.
3. Talk through difficult transitions and changes to a child’s routine ahead of time so he knows what to expect.
4. Get down on your child’s level and give him one thing to focus on, like the sound of your voice or a color of an object you are pointing him towards.

How to Lead our Children

As best we can, we want to lead our children by reacting less to their frustrating behavior, and responding more to their true needs underneath. As we help them work through their own struggles, we are teaching them by our example, which is often going to look like showing our children that we get frustrated and have to calm down too!

Drop the Pressure of Being the Perfect Parent

To feel frustration is to be human. When we can drop the idea that we have to be calm all the time to be a good parent, we free ourselves to actually model self-regulation and real life skills to our children. We get to show our children that no one is perfect, that we all struggle, and we are all learning and growing. They are not alone. We all have to apologize, repair relationships, and reconnect with each other. It turns out that teaching them these life skills and realities is even more impactful than trying to be the perfect parent anyways.

If you want to go deeper into understanding your toddler and need more support, sign up for the Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop here!

Hi! I’m Dabney, mom to three boys in three years! I found Heather through her podcast videos on YouTube while searching for tools to help my own toddler’s aggressive outbursts and button pushing behaviors. Few voices in the parenting world address how to manage the intensity of these toddler behaviors when you have not just one but two or more children with you.

Enter Heather, a twin mom of two boys with stories and strategies that highlighted how to manage these hard moments while also being outnumbered. I participated in her most recent Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior and Tantrums Workshop and Cohort and found her strategies simple and effective. Not only is my parenting better for it, but I am growing in my confidence along this journey collecting more tools along the way!